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I don't know how to type this out, so I will be thinking as I type. I have a few friendships that maybe aren't really friendships. Maybe I am not being a good friend, maybe I don't know what a good friendship consists of, I don't know, but this is my struggle lately. I have one friend in particular that I struggle with and it may be because I have expectations of what a friendship should be, or maybe I have needs within any relationship that I need to honor. I don't want to take her inventory, I want to look at me within all of my relationships, honor the needs, wants, and desires for all involved and then decide whether it is working or not, but gosh I have a hard time with some friendships. And maybe these are the friendships where I am pursued more in the beginning, then I try to morph into a "good friend". What is a good friend, anyway? I know I am sort of disjointed, but if anyone can relate or provide some feedback perspectives, experiences, I am grateful. This really is painful for me. I don't have a need for many friendships, but I treasure a few good ones. Thanks for listening.
I am still learning too. Used to be, I only had drinking buddies and/or 1 designated confidant that I shared my drama with. I consistently would ditch friends if they were not accessible to me....like if they moved or I did, I stopped talking to them. I was so needy that I didn't see a purpose for friends that weren't right there. Horrid I know. This is why I have no friends from high school at all and have only just reconnected with college ones. Being single forces us to have some better friends. Being in a committed long term relationship sometimes makes me take less responsibility in making friends, forming them, and keeping them. That is a pattern I need to break because my partner cannot be everything to me. I have tried that before with bad results.
A healthy friend? Keeping it simple I think the answer is: Someone I enjoy hanging out with and can be myself around.
Putting too many parameters and rules around it complicates it so...I will stick with that. LOL.
I don't know how to type this out, so I will be thinking as I type. I have a few friendships that maybe aren't really friendships. Maybe I am not being a good friend, maybe I don't know what a good friendship consists of, I don't know, but this is my struggle lately. I have one friend in particular that I struggle with and it may be because I have expectations of what a friendship should be, or maybe I have needs within any relationship that I need to honor. I don't want to take her inventory, I want to look at me within all of my relationships, honor the needs, wants, and desires for all involved and then decide whether it is working or not, but gosh I have a hard time with some friendships. And maybe these are the friendships where I am pursued more in the beginning, then I try to morph into a "good friend". What is a good friend, anyway? I know I am sort of disjointed, but if anyone can relate or provide some feedback perspectives, experiences, I am grateful. This really is painful for me. I don't have a need for many friendships, but I treasure a few good ones. Thanks for listening.
ok...i am 12 years only into recovery...that is still relatively new in recovery when it comes to living life to its fullest, including relationships....to me a good relationship has certain components.....respecting boundaries....honesty , openess, not being afraid to be vulnerable, willingness to see their side, but i can still lovingly disagree and we move on, accepting our differences.....if it is a match , a good match, we are gonna have our needs/wants/and expectations wanting to be honored, but sometimes i "expect" too much and as humans we cannot be there for our friends 100% 24/7 b/c we are humans and if we are healthy we have to put our needs/wants first so we can be useful to the deserving friends....friends/relationships make me feel good about who i am w/out trying to change me....accepting me as is..no returns/changing....and also i realize that re: my needs and wants, it behooves me to put my eggs in many baskets b/c even the best of relationships , they can't be there for me 24/7.....total honesty is a must.....no lies...no using...no abuse...no attacking b/c we dont agree....no taking advantage of a person ( i have a cousin who tries to use my fiinancial services for free....i don't allow it....she gets pissed...i let her stew...she either gets over it or not...not my problem...i am fair to me as well) she is better with this , just uses cheaper people who mess her up...oh well...detachment with love is also key....not getting absorbed in their stuff, but i can care a lot w/detachment.......also a good relationship is allowing the other to be their separate person, and not feeling fear when i want my space.....wanting their happiness but not at a cost to me.....working on my coda on a daily basis has enabled me to be a better mom, sister, cousin, friend in the long run.....and the good ones who matter,don't mind my healthy changes....to ones who mind, well they no longer matter to me
hope this post made sense..........good post, Paula...made me think.....dangerous when i am just finishing my breakfast, LOL
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I can only state my experience. I have a lot of people with whom I am friendly, but we're not friends. My closest friends are people who don't try to change me even when they don't get me and I feel the same about them. We don't really work at our friendship, we just participate in it. We don't violate each others confidences and we're honest with each other when we are experiencing something that is uncomfortable or hurtful to us. One of the closest friends I've had and I were so comfortable with each other that when she'd visit, we'd spend the day with my children, then after baths and prayers and bedtime, she and I would put on our nightclothes. She'd lay flat on one couch. I'd curl up on another. We'd watch a Classic movie together and were silent in each other's presence. Comfortable together like old, soft slippers on tired and worn feet. She was also a person who could tell me I was acting like an a** when I was and I would believe her and keep it up or make a change. She didn't care either way.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 8th of June 2014 09:30:23 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 8th of June 2014 09:34:19 AM
So far I have learned friendships change overtime. Most of my really close friends "grow" emotionally with me. We are able to talk to one another and allow the other to be who they are and make mistakes, however we can state our likes and dislikes and respect those in each other.
I have had some people that I considered friends at one time but for some reason they don't want to grow. I just let them go and if they choose to grow they can come back.
I know my bottom line now. Gossiping makes me feel really uncomfortable. I just am polite with those people and consider them acquaintances.
It is funny because I actually resonate with people that are usually ten years older than me. I think I may have grew up too fast because my dad passed away when I was young.
Part of knowing what a good friend is .. is being a good friend.
I suffer with what Pink described in terms of I am bad for out of sight out of mind .. I am trying to do better. I still have some people I know from high school I wouldn't call them friends. I think it's a good lesson on acceptance and treating others the way I want to be treated and I'm still learning on that end of things.
I still am pretty guarded only because this town is awfully small and I have a few close friends .. I don't think you have to have 50 or 60 people around either. I do know a lot of different people .. in fact the kids think it's funny when we go out and see people.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm also a fan of 'old slipper' friendships as well. My dearest old friend would chuckle and enjoy the compliment if she knew that I said that! To me thatis the true comfort of friendship - no need for defences.
I think that giving friendship is about honesty, allowing a person to be who they are, being able to disagree without thinking less of them, enjoying the differences, marvelling at the similarities, feeling joy at their successes, being able to listen without judgement through the bad bits, and being able to say 'can we change the subject' if the bad bits get too much, seeing something in a shop and thinking 'I know who'd like that'. A good friend is someone I care about, who takes me out of myself just by being themselves.
I have lots of people I enjoy being with but only a few confidants. And I try not to exhaust them too much!!
I have lots of acquaintances, but only a few good friends. My good friends are people who do not judge me and I don't judge them. People who I can communicate with easily and know that if I have a slip of the tongue, that they will take it with a grain of salt and deal with it or confront me about it if necessary. There is accountability, forgiveness, acceptance, and love.
I have a friend right now where we're struggling to just find time for each other because of our crazy schedules. She's put me off 3 times so far this past month and cancelled our plans to get together. I was hurt the last time but I was able to tell her so gently. We are getting together on Tuesday because I agreed to try one more time to try this 'get together' thing. I texted her yesterday and said, "Are we still on for Tuesday?" Her, "YES!!!!!!!" Me, "Ok, just checking, LOL", her, "I don't blame you!"
We both know that we aren't perfect and sometimes when I look at our relationship, I compare it to my marriage. I wish my marriage could be that open and honest, where both parties show remorse and humility and both people work to improve themselves and the relationship.
Now, on the other hand, I've had to cut friends out of my life when I felt they were toxic. I recently made amends to a friend who I had cut off communication with 5 years ago. Basically, I know now that she is an untreated Al Anon but 5 years ago I had no clue what was going on, I just knew that she was toxic. We got together last week and I made my amends. After talking and catching up for 2 hours, she asked me if I'd be willing to be friends again. I said yes, but I also told her that it would look differently and that I've changed. She was in such a bad place, her family wasn't speaking to her, her husband had started drinking again after 1 year of sobriety, and she was just feeling lost and alone. I told her what Al Anon had done for me. Maybe she'll find her way into the rooms, maybe not, but I know that I need to be on guard with her because I know her personality. She is nothing like the healthy friend I have, which I stated above. Two totally different relationships, but at one time in the past, I was very good friends with both of these ladies. One of the reason that I was able to cut off communication with friend number 2, is because I saw what I had with friend 1. Such a HUGE difference in healthy relationship skills and communication.
LOL, I'm not sure why I shared all that. Hope it helps in some way, PP!~
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I might have this all wrong or may just be lucky with the friends I have, but for me it all comes down to compatible needs or desires to want to get together or communicate. Most of my friends are those I might talk to a few times a month over phone or internet, and we see each other once every few months. I guess I'm not really a best-buddy, in-each-others-pockets kind of friend. So that level of compatibility for me is important. Also, if I'm always the one initiating contact, I will probably just naturally stop after a while and that friendship probably won't last. But it doesn't really bother me, it just is what it is.
Otherwise I do what I say I'm going to do, and expect them to do the same. Confidentiality is a must, too, as well as no two-facedness about any of our other friends.
I'm at a stage in my life where my former social circle are getting married, having kids and just generally going in a different direction than me. I'm not ready for that yet. I will be one day but not now. I still feel I need to do some fixing of myself before I embark on those journeys, and I have to come across someone that convinces me to want to :)
Now, if you follow my posts that is a completely different tune from when I first started coming here and I would cry foul that I didn't have a relationship. I would whine and think that it was the be all end all of life, because to this group of people it was. Slowly by gaining awareness I would go to all of their 'BBQ's', hang out at their favorite place (a bar) and listen to all their couple stories. This was also a very competitive group that liked to keep score. I would stand their telling stories about any dates and just felt like I was trying to impress them. I was absolutely miserable listening to these people and they had no interest in what I was doing. One day we were at this bar and I got up and left. Didn't even say bye. Maybe a bit a d!ckhead move in retrospect but I think I've only seen them twice since and that was about 2 years ago. We both kind of knew it was time to move on.
Those were unhealthy friendships. They weren't helping me achieve any of my goals and were in fact holding me back. I tried to adapt to their situations instead of being myself which in the end, cost me in my recovery. Now I can say that I have friends that support me and are allowing me to learn new things about myself and grow. All because I went after what I wanted.
Jim.
-- Edited by slogan_jim on Sunday 8th of June 2014 03:03:35 PM
These shares have been awesome, thank you. I have a few of those old slipper friends from earlier days that I treasure. We may talk a couple of times a year and when we do it is appreciated, comfortable and warm. This friendship in question is a high school friend that contacted me through Facebook to reconnect.I knew her husband, too. We enjoyed coffee and conversation a few times, but it began to get strange when we got together as a couple. They do Christian marriage ministry, and she told me when they met my husband they felt they needed to get closer to us, as he was so wounded. I told her I did not want to be their project, I was interested in friendship, not fixing. She thanked me for my honesty, but in every visit she wants to know how we are doing...she becomes animated when I am not in a good place and not as interested when all is well. I think I will spend more time listening here, re reading and sitting with the shares I have received.
-- Edited by PP on Sunday 8th of June 2014 11:50:19 AM
Hi pp, great question that I have been pondering too recently. I have old school friends who I love like family, its the newer friendships I struggle with too. I think this woman who has befriended you has her own agenda and I dont like that either. I prefer relationships that are equal. I am getting to be a much healthier friend now but the newish friendships made while I was sick are actually sickish relationships and thats where im struggling. Detach with love is the answer but its not easy.x
I wasn't born with friends or born wanting friends. I had to learn and then learn to accept that there were others in my life who had their own lives, wants and needs. I had a mother and a father who were not friends and then I chose others to get close to and sometimes made the choice for whatever reason to not be close to them at times. I took privilege with some friends...I married some of them and the friendships ended for cause. I came into Al-Anon and found "friends" who had common interest with me and we would share that interest and the work. I learned from sponsorship who was special friends to alter my perceptions one of which was my line of friends...First God, then me and then others and holy cow!! did that work. I learned from a Nun in India, Mother Teresa to "Love Anyway" and that allows me to be in relationships constantly with new friends I might see only once and constant friends who are with me always in thought and emotions and spirit. A healthy relationship or friendship for me needs the guidance I have been given in Al-Anon. I was taught to question "How do I want this to come out...for now" and then to make that happen for me without negativity. I am the friend I have most and the one I got at birth. "To thy own self be true" is a relationship rule. Knowing the difference between friendship and dependency is also a lantern for me. Knowing about stuff such as, "I love you and I like having you here and I don't need you is good stuff. Its healthy. ((((hugs)))))
As another example, this past weekend I spent time with another friend of mine that I would consider my best friend. We are moving in separate directions and I am outgrowing him. I have had to work for everything, he's been able to coast and ride others' coattails. I am assertive and speak my mind, whereas he just agrees with the popular opinion. I will challenge people, he is a 'yes' man. I am independant and interested in being my own man. He is co-dependant and a lot of his identity is tied to his parents. I am not afraid to be myself, whereas he tries to be what he thinks everyone wants him to be and is quite the chameleon in that he is always adapting to the popular sentiment.
We are both 30. I am an adult with adult responsibilities. He is a teenager that is sheltered from the challenges of real life.
We have a lot in common, have a great time as buddies but slowly I am finding myself wanting to drift away. He's not really bringing anything new to the table that will allow me to grow and become a better person.
I'm not going to cut him out, but quite frankly he has little to offer right now and is very boring.
I will let you all in a little secret, this morning I was not feeling like I had inherited the gene to be a good friend...I was creating a bit of a spectacle with myself. Then, I received a call from a very old friend that I maybe talk to once a year. We haven't connected, yet, but it is a nice reminder from HP that I do have the friend gene or she would not have spent her precious time calling. Thank you for this community, HP.
Paula...kinda appears to me that one of your friends...HP was tapping you on the shoulder and sending another friend with a message. I believe that the greatest spiritual character is the ability to love and be loved and sometimes when I am not really into the first I get to have the second. Its more than okay to allow myself to "be loved" than to do the "love" myself. (((((hugs)))))
My close friends do not repeat what I say to them to others, and respect me for who I am. I have a friend that pops in for coffee around the time our teenagers are off to school and sometime she teases me for being prickly in the am, but she loves me none the less. She chatters away about her hubby and her 4 kids and life and off she goes and I love her none the less. I have friends that I call when I need to talk through something and some I like to work out with, but I know I am a good friend and who has my back. I let go of many people who were not healthy for me and am now only looking for quality people who respect my boundaries and know how to love me without judgment the way I love them. We all can be quirky that is half the fun. You are a great person and a good friend to me! Hopefully your friend doesn't need your drama or need to fix people to keep herself distracted. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
