I know you feel guilty and no I'm not going to say its okay. - Al-Anon Family Group

sadsusie · Senior Member

I know you feel guilty and no I'm not going to say its okay.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh my!!!! and it will keep getting worse until something forces him into AA.....

I hope u begin working on taking care of you...whether u cut him loose or stay with this , there is no hope unless you get into a strong program and I know you know that...i think i would focus on finding a good sponsor, on line, even if you can't find one in a face to face meet, but get into the meets. work the steps and slogans and detach detach detach.......unless he gets help, the titanic will keep sinking..... and venting is a good thing...discharges anger....now lets focus on what is Susie gonna do for Susie???

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You don't sound passive aggressive susie. Just dealing with harsh realities. Alcoholics do have incredibly distorted views of themselves. Mostly it's all smoke and mirrors covering for deep self loathing. You are sensible to be seeing the disease more clearly now. I am so sorry for your pain but your voice sounds wise, empowered, and strong. I have confidence you will be OK because of that strength developing in you.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

That would have been prime cause and permission for me to find "the spot" and go to it and do a gold award tantrum!! Get out and off all of that pent up negative energy and deflate the pressure. Tantrums and rants are safe...glad you came here and dumped it and I for one got good memories of how it use to be and what it is like now. Keep coming back Sue....In support (((((hugs))))) smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry F wrote:

That would have been prime cause and permission for me to find "the spot" and go to it and do a gold award tantrum!! Get out and off all of that pent up negative energy and deflate the pressure. Tantrums and rants are safe...glad you came here and dumped it and I for one got good memories of how it use to be and what it is like now. Keep coming back Sue....In support (((((hugs)))))

thanks Jerry when i had insurance enough to get mental health care i got this great MA nurse who was a male...counselor for folks like me, he specialized in abuse cases....anyway, he taught me how to diffuse my anger at my offender....he told me to take , when i felt the anger coming, a tennis racquet and just slam the heck out of a chair or couch, something safe and just give it hell....I did and really it did help me dump the negative pressure inside of me.....omg., if i didn't know how to just "go off" and wail on a chair or couch, god only knows that anger would have eaten me alive....then in recovery when i was here , the first , say, 2 to 3 years, i vented and vented, but then it finally ebbed and now, yea, i can be irritable as generalized anxiety disorder can do to me, but i discharge it in healthy ways and it is gone much faster.......didn't know that GAD could cause short fuse, but my sponsor who had it told me "oh yea" so I guess i will just have to keep working on me as a lifer in the program.........((((hugs)))) thanks for making me not feel alone in this.......

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember he is A, he is in denial, he believes his own lies, he is self consumed. All part having this horrible disease.

What is making you angry? How can one be mad at a person who is so sick? What makes it a surprise when an A drinks?

A's do have mirrors, they feel more guilt than a non A ever will. Sadly the disease has them shackled to feel craving for alcohol continuously.

Remember they can be stumbling around and honestly tell you they have not drank, as seriously their brains are so compromised they believe their own lies and denial.

I invite you to drop the rock, think about you.What he does is no reflection on you.

hugs!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to laugh a bit, Susie, when I get to the part about an A's mirror. I have to admit that minus the alcohol and with no program and sometimes with it, I have been an A's mirror in some ways. Glad to see you here this morning and glad to see the reminder to stay focused on me and my need to continue working the program. (((S)))

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 8th of June 2014 06:58:24 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It was maddening to me that the chief complaint was often "You don't support me!!!!" when he rarely had a job and I supported all of his crazy ideas. If anything, he should have had "Supported" stamped on him all over (even though it was not always healthy support and sometimes enabling). So yeah...the mirror thing...

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn wrote:
Remember he is A, he is in denial, he believes his own lies, he is self consumed. All part having this horrible disease.What is making you angry? How can one be mad at a person who is so sick? What makes it a surprise when an A drinks?A's do have mirrors, they feel more guilt than a non A ever will. Sadly the disease has them shackled to feel craving for alcohol continuously.Remember they can be stumbling around and honestly tell you they have not drank, as seriously their brains are so compromised they believe their own lies and denial.I invite you to drop the rock, think about you.What he does is no reflection on you.
hugs!

ohhh Deb....love your down to earth wisdom......soooo agree......its time to drop the rock, Susie, as Deb says....none of his crap should be any surprise...so why do we keep getting mad or "kept" in my case??? b/c of expectations , i think, or unrealistic hoping for a sick person to be not sick.......just my take.....please keep coming back to alanon....alanon is for us......lets grab onto it with both hands.....

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

To me this is a great example of detaching, he wants you to rescue him from his feelings, tell him its okay or give him a row, either would be enough for him to feel better and giving him the permission to begin again. Its the merrygoround, have you read it susie? It opened my eyes further. You are not buying into it, great progress, ditch that job, the role of enabler. The next step for me was detaching with love, so instead of being angry at him which he wants to some extent, I kept my voice low and calm and said im sure you will work it out. Do you want a cup of tea. That was it for me. Anything more was enabling and anything less was indifference. Its all about you, keep it simple, dont get involved if you can and you feel better.x

Valkyrie2 · Newbie

Oh do I ever see myself in your vent, Susie. I guess that's no surprise tho,hun? (It's the disease!) My AH is a few months into his recovery according to his reports. (I am skeptical about the validity of this...we've been separated for nearly 8 months and from a distance I see signs of cracks forming) I try to mind my own business but feel compelled to weigh in once in a while and it is NEVER appreciated. LOL, wonder why? I guess I just continue to get sucked into old patterns of behavior that had become so familiar, so who we were, before I started to understand this stuff. That's work for me to do.

My AH also feels entitled to have a complete and enthusiastic response to every move he makes. It's maddening how he thinks he's "all better" in such a short time and with so little effort. His mirror is one of the kind you see in a traveling show...you know, everything is completely distorted. Only he thinks he looks great! I guess it's not for me to correct his vision. My only job is to take care of me. (Easier said than done!)

sadsusie · Senior Member

These were some really really insightful responses. and it is apparent where my state of mind is. I am angry. He pisses me off. And yes, you are so right, what did I really expect? Did I really expect that he would start making good choices out of the blue. That is where my head is..still a little bit in lala land! I am angry..with him..yes..but in retrospect and with your guidance I am really the one that is dropping the ball. I am setting myself up for resentment by having "expectations" Right? GRR. but I still WANT what I want!

Back to step one. I have no control...GRRRRRRRR. that pisses me off a little. I want to just boss him. I have been in a threatening mood too. yucko. This is not where I should be. And I hate to say it but I actually feel like I am taking revenge. How awful of me. but I am owning it! grr.

I spent a long time NOT feeling anything, so I am going to just own this until I am ready to make a change. hmmm I meant change of heart and want to feel nice again, but I could also mean moving out. hmmm

GRR right now I am holding on to that rock saying SEE WHAT YOU MAKE ME CARRY! it sounds totally absurd now that I see it. I am the fool for choosing to carry it. I need to just toss it back to him. no..I need to leave it at his doorstep. (less threatening). and walk away.

I am caught up in this whole devotion thing. and this "hope it gets better" thing. It is preventing me from cutting the cord. I DONT want to wait any longer. I DONT want to wait for tomorrow. (he is drinking now so he can get sober tomorrow hahaha..that sounds a little funny to) I just don't want to wait anymore. Not one more day.

I especially don't want to deal with his poor me crap and his awkward, hypersensitive, "I'm in recovery" stage where He uses that as an excuse to be whiny. In fact I wonder if I even want to try to recover with him. I have better things to do now that I have actual friends!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I, too, felt angry when I saw what I'd wanted going down the drain in my marriage due to alcoholism/drug addiction. Underneath was fear - a whole lot of fear. The more I faced my fears by doing what I needed to do for me and my children (and let me tell you this ugly truth - I actually expected God would somehow show up at my door with a check in some way and at least deliver me from some of the turmoil of change - NOT), the more faith in myself I could cultivate and utilize. Anger is always a wake up call for me. It signals to me that something in me or in my life needs to change. When I seek the solution, I'm no longer twirling and swirling in the emotional upheaval that sometimes (and this may not be true for you at all) is necessary to help me wake up and get moving in some way. My HP was with me the whole time guiding me and loving me through hard times and I grew stronger through them.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Susie .. for me and big hugs .. I spent soooo long denying there was anything wrong and I was completely unaware of how angry I was even though it oozed out of my pores no different than the alcohol out of an alcohol's pores on a hot summer day .. I had really convinced myself I wasn't suppose to feel anything. The hole everything is fine because in George Lopez's world .. I got this .. well there are only so many different plates I can spin at once and that's where I started really getting what is and isn't mine. The plates all fell and I'm still waiting for STBAX to clean up his mess .. talk about an unrealistic expectation waiting to be a resentment .. lol .. now my attitude is .. if I'm going to cut myself then I don't deal with it.

I think as I get better my anger eases .. it will still come out because it's a feeling not a fact and it's ok to feel angry especially at the insane situations that come up .. it's healthy to feel angry that someone is whining about what is wrong with everyone else while pointing their bottle finger out. It is healthy to feel that umm .. wth is going on and why won't they get up and get help already. In my case it's call your children and do SOMETHING to have a relationship .. they don't get it.

It is not healthy to hang on to the anger. It is not healthy to hurt myself or others with angry words, actions or deeds. It is not healthy to pretend I'm not angry.

Again for me .. I spent so much time pretending that until this past year .. I literally couldn't tell you that I was having mini panic attacks this entire time .. I didn't know what anxiety was .. although .. I sure know what anger was/is and it's a devastating feeling with devastating effects. I considered myself pretty aware of feelings .. my kids know feelings and how they feel we play the feeling game and that's something I always have done with them .. unfortunately .. I was very unaware of what my feelings even were .. I do better now.

It's a feeling not a fact and it IS ok to feel angry at unreasonable situations .. how I choose to react to my own anger .. that's on me.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Susie,

Nobody could blame you for getting sucked in. None of us chose these lives about which we are all writing. We all want them to get better, and the way we want it to get better is to go back to those happy days when alcohols didn't seem involved, when we all seemed to be functioning and we could just live seemingly normal lives.

So, to me, all the Al anon tools that we have are so counter-intuitive at first until we accepted Step 1. And I, all the time, want to just forget about Step 1. I have to go back to it again and again. And then living by the tools makes sense.

I think that we all forget Step 1 sometimes. And then we come back once we have our awareness back. Vent to us, feel your emotions, and you will be back to Sweet Susie again in no time now that you have the awareness back, and you know that Step 1 is so important.

Kenny

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Vent away, I had so much anger inside me trying not to let out any negative oops now I know its not a negative emotion, but it oozed out anyway. You are using your recovery tools and focusing on self care, keep up the good work. Sending you love and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.