Question - Al-Anon Family Group

oldergal · Senior Member

Question

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

In my opinion it ties directly into my recovery as I never had the opportunity to express my opinion in my foo. Everyone had to agree with the leader and no one could think differently. Having the courage to participate and share my thoughts and not make myself invisible was my first step to owning myself, my self respect and self esteem. Would love to hear others thoughts

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Concept 4 and Concept 5 in their entirety encourage members to participate by sharing their opinions and by listening to each other. In my Paths to Recovery Al-Anon book, there are very good member shares and questions on this particular topic that encourage and ensure the right of all members to speak what is on their minds and hearts in a participatory manner together. "Talk with each other, reason things out" also encourages saying what is in our minds and hearts in an open, honest and willing manner. Although this isn't a CODA board, there are members here who are familiar with The Language of Letting Go, so I will list this here as one of the other supports that encourages open expression in a direct manner. That book is a 12 Step book that is used in CODA groups.

Recovery to me is about learning who I am, being true to myself and sharing that self with others. One of the issues for me in my FOO and in my marriage was the refusal of family members/husband to allow anyone to share an opinion or an experience that was different or new. We were not allowed to be open with our thoughts or our feelings. We were not allowed to feel and express anger. We were not allow to say stop when someone was doing something that was harmful to us. We weren't allowed to say we didn't believe somebody when they were telling us something that simply was not true and we knew it wasn't true. On the surface, we might have looked like we were all united, but we weren't really because we/I were shamed, criticized, corrected, punished or beaten up because we thought differently than the bullies in the family who were sheltered rather than isolated. If any of us expressed emotion we might have been called drama queens or kings (emotional abuse) and I have learned that if somebody feels anyway, that is their feeling and they have a right to express it and learn from it. That, too, was part of recovery - allowing myself to feel what I feel and express it without sanction and without allowing someone to silence my expression or put me down for it or try to tell me how I should feel and this is the way to do it. We were given a list of rules and told we MUST abide by them all even if we weren't able or ready to do it. Al-Anon only has guides and not rules. We aren't punished or shamed or banned because we can't follow the guides at all times. Only progress, not perfection is encouraged and that applies to speaking our truths aloud.

Al-Anon was one of the places that I experienced freedom from all of that and was able to express my opinion, my experience, my feelings without interference or shaming or passive aggressive behavior on the part of some members in the group. That helped me continue with the program among other things I did to stop being invisible and start being true to me and not true to who others wanted me to be. I also have had two excellent sponsors who have both been supportive of me and encourage me to share myself openly and honestly. They have also been part of my recovery and are directly related to helping me feel safe enough to share myself with them without sanction and without shaming. I am so grateful to my HP, Al-Anon, my sponsors and folks in the fellowship both in the rooms and on this board who have been such a healing and helpful resource for me.

What have you learned about it, OG? Would you be willing to share on your topic?

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 7th of June 2014 06:33:38 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 7th of June 2014 07:04:09 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 7th of June 2014 07:06:52 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 7th of June 2014 08:04:44 PM

sadsusie · Senior Member

I have always found that my most powerful recovery moments where when I was sharing in a group. I would share about things that I had thought on for a week, but somehow verbalizing them and perhaps putting them out into the universe gave me an immense amount of healing. I was able to explore the concept much deeper for some reason as well. It helped me to know about myself and release some of my pain and anger and resentment. It allowed me to be myself in a group of people and not "die". I had never ever ever ever ever dreamed of sharing my innermost thoughts to another person. (and I am not particularly shy) It was very freeing, and comforting to know that I would be safe even when I expose myself. Not to mention loved. I felt more human, more connected with others and more connected with my inner being. I had lost my inner being. It helped me to clear the cobwebs and shine some light in there.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Consciously choosing NOT to speak is also a part of MY recovery. Sometimes, recognizing the dynamics of an exchange and perceiving where things are going, I have the right to turn my back on the conversation, withhold my words and opinions, not take the offered bait because I now see it for what it is - bait designed to draw me into an argument I won't be happy with afterwards. My recovery includes learning to walk away from an argument rather than trying to win or compete. Recovery taught me that I have the right to speak, or, not to speak.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
In my opinion it ties directly into my recovery as I never had the opportunity to express my opinion in my foo. Everyone had to agree with the leader and no one could think differently. Having the courage to participate and share my thoughts and not make myself invisible was my first step to owning myself, my self respect and self esteem. Would love to hear others thoughts

Oh Betty, this was so me.....i had in my FOO, no voice no choice no rights nothing then i get into recovery and all of a sudden I can TALK..i can share..i can feel....i can express my emotions and NO censorship/attacks/stifling me, etc., and i as you said, began to slowly own myself.....now, no worries about saying what i mean, meaning what i say and i am still working about not being mean b/c I can be cruel at times when one is coming at me with malice in their hearts.....but i tell myself that their poison is not my problem, and i see progress......what freedom i found, coming here.....i can speak and no retaliation/attacking.......what a gift

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Letting others get to "see" me for who I was then and who I am now allows for feedback or "their stories" and I can take from those and learn. If I stay silent, like I use to. I give nothing and often receive the same. It was in learning this that I use to ask the early fellowship to give me feedback on what they heard me saying and how I was saying it. I knew inherently that they loved me unconditionally and that they wanted me to survive our disease and grow better...I never regretted what I learned to do and who I trusted to do it with. ((((hugs)))) smile

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

That is such a good topic, for me, when I am here I try to offer suggestions, I suppose these are my opinions, I try not to sound matter of fact because im not experienced enough or I cant ever know the full story. Ive found that when dealing with my son, the less words the better. His isms are quite loud at times and I show im listening and maybe repeat what he has said but I dont share my views or opinions much with him. The reason is that I sound judgemental to him and to me, hes sensitive and I dont want to add to his guilt, I also dont want to try and fix him. Im very careful with him, my words have been dangerous in the past. This is a direct result of recovery, learning about the disease, the feelings, enabling and codependancy have helped me see how my words have an impact on this disease and im not adding to it anymore.

Sometimes I catch myself needing to be heard or right and I know that I need to do some step work. Interesting questions, thanks.x

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My first thought was,"To Thine Own Self Be True." if we are not open about ourselves, strong enough to share our weaknesses and strengths, being honest with ourselves, how can we be in recovery?

When we speak them out, we are accepting ourselves as true vulinerable, open, honest people. In recovery, to share about us, also makes others respect us more, they want to encourage us. Also when we open up, it invites others too.

I am thinking if we listen to a speaker, and they share some things about themselves how refreshing that is.

I know for me to be honest like that, makes me like me better. I face my weaknesses, pain and strengths. If I let it out, then I know how i want my recovery to go.

If we are to encourage each others recovery, how can we if one does not open up? I come here and share my deepest pains, questions. I need to grow. I cannot do that without feedback. So my sharing is almost number one in my recovery.

I wish I could express how much my life has grown since I have been a part of the mip family. I am no longer shy at all, will speak my mind in a calm, mature manner. I don't allow anyone to disrespect me, I teach others how to treat me. I do not allow others to control my emotions. If I want to step in to help someone or something in need, nothing stops me.

I feel a great love for A's. compassion, relate to, will do what I can.
opening oneself as vulnerable, is inviting others in to support you and or share their story.

This was a wonderful question! LOVE!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.