The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is slogan_Jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
Tonight I had a blow up with my dad. On the way home from work, I stopped by to grab a sandwich. I walked in and set it on the table.
Him: "What are you doing for dinner?"
Me: "Pita place" (I turn on the sink to wash my hands)
Him: "What?"
Me: "Pita Place !"
Him: "You already ate? You didn't think to call me and ask if I wanted some? I havn't eaten. I have to cook dinner"
Me: "Then cook dinner? What do you want me to do?"
Him: (With a look on his face like he's trying to make me feel guilty) "You know you're rude right?"
Me: "How am I rude?...." (shrugged me shoulders)
It then subsided and it's been tense ever since. He had another court date today so I think he's upset at that. I have been tired cause I had a long day and I am finalizing some papers on a real estate purchase. he expects that every time I leave the house I am to call and ask if he wants anything as if I owe him that.
Not rude Jim, just a little bit unthinking. You are not used to living with your dad and you are used to being responsible for only yourself. I kind of think you were both right here, him for being hurt that you did not get one for him and you for thinking he is an adult and can make his own decisions.
This kinda fulfills your expectations from the start right Jim? Relationship was rocky and his self centeredness put a lot of pressure on your peace of mind and serenity? Hope you did your response with acceptance and love and less resentfulness. How was the fear level...yours? He didn't find the enabling Jim returning from work...that must have been a wakeup call for him and resulted in the "rude" inventory. Could be huh? Keep working it and good luck on the house purchase. (((hugs)))
hey Slogan, i've never, I don't think, traded esh w/you but i would like to weigh in here ok???
I don't think you were rude, maybe a little more "teeth" in your boundaries and refusal to enable him, but hey diamonds start out rough......what i would do is a step 4 on the triggers...what about this whole thing ticked you off??? what step 4 issues do you need to work on to be more detached and a bit softer??? time??? adjusting to your new recovering self??? just throwing some stuff out there..........its all good.....I think , from what i have seen from your posts, you tell it like it is and you call a spade a spade.....i would rather see that then a bunch of BS soft stroking someone......
-- Edited by neshema2 on Friday 6th of June 2014 09:03:12 PM
-- Edited by neshema2 on Friday 6th of June 2014 09:04:38 PM
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I think it was maybe a little bit unthinking too. I could imagine a dialogue like:
"I picked up something at the Pita Place."
"You did? Shoot, I wished you'd called me, I could have gotten something too. Now I guess I'll have to cook. Sure don't feel like it any more when I see you chomping away on that pita, wish I had one, smells great."
"You know, it never occurred to me to call. Sorry. I guess I just assumed you'd cook for yourself. I sure wasn't thinking ahead that far. Maybe we should talk about how we expect to do dinner. Are you hoping we'll eat together most of the time? That'd be nice, but I'm afraid my schedule is a little unpredictable. So maybe we'd better assume we'll eat separately unless we plan in advance. Would that work for you?"
That might be a little bit too touchy-feely to feel natural. But what I see is that he felt offended and then you felt offended, so neither person is feeling great, and that's unfortunate. Take good care of yourself.
