Advice - How to cope with living with AH? - Al-Anon Family Group

wifeofalcoholic · Senior Member

Advice - How to cope with living with AH?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi wife

I'm sorry you not finding any meetings so why not try the one here online. They can help I'm sure. You say you have the literature and the Al-anon books help so much to read everyday.

Also the book " Getting them Sober " by Toby Rice Drew might help. I have a AS but this book helped me along with many others.

Come here and come often because you are not alone...

((( hugs )))

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Thursday 5th of June 2014 07:48:57 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

While still living together, I found having lots of my own interests, planned self care, and detachment either by going out on my own, with friends, or by not taking things personal (which is challenging I know) to be helpful. It also helped to have some exit plan so I knew that, while not ready yet, I could make that choice later if needed. This stopped me from feeling as hopeless and trapped...just knowing I could leave but was choosing not to at that time.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

wifeofalcoholic wrote:
For those of you who have decided not to get a divorce or separation, how do you cope with living with your AH? I find that reading my literature is very helpful and a private counselor helped me but I would like to hear what you do to get through the storms. I still experience anxiety, sadness and frustration. I have not had success in my search for meetings. Thank you very much.

Hi Wife.......i chose NOT to cope, so i woudn't have much to offer , but i wanted to welcome you to this forum....there are folks here who choose like you to stay and i am sure they will come on and give you their experience/strength and hope

I like what pinkchip suggested.....I would, if I were in that situation, get into alanon meetings...find a sponsor to work the 12 steps...find my own life....let him live his and suffer the consequences of his deeds by not enabling or carrying his loads/responsibilities......find my own healthy friends, hopefully in face to face alanon meets..find stuff to do that interests me...learn to rely on me........you can get into the meets on line here and eventually you can make friends...swap tel #s and fellowship....also working a good program will help you keep the focus on you, not him, as you are 100% powerless over his choices/actions....but you can change you.......if you work this program and all its suggestions you can keep him from pulling you into the undertow of alcoholism......whether you decide later on to stick it out or finally leave, I wouldn't do anything major until i had at least 6 months to a year of strong alanon work......

don't know if he is the violent/abusive type when drinking...if he ever gets aggressive or threatening in anyway, i would have the nearest women's shelter address and tel# at my finger tips so i can get out if things get rough....

good luck and please keep coming back..this program is a total life saver

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me having my own bedroom with my books tv, computer, door out, bathroom...my own space was wonderful. Or you may share the same bedroom but you have a place to go to find your serenity.

I agree with pinkchip, almost always. We have and develop our own interests, have hobbies, animals, self improvement, redo a room...

focus on things we want to do, not their disease.

accepting them as is, and their disease is their problem not ours helped me big time. I loved my ah and wanted to be in the same house with him.When he got mean I left the room and kept busy, or I went for a drive.

hugs!

SpiderArcana · Senior Member

It's a struggle, but having your own space, interests, and life are all major helpers. A lot of times I feel like I live with two people. The sober, smart, active, wonderful man I married, and the slightly tipsy, annoying, man-child that comes out and wanders around confused about everything from time to time. Honestly, I tend to either remove myself or completely ignore the man-child. He bothers me. When it's my husband we make plans, go out and have fun, are affectionate, and supportive of each other. It is a daily struggle, and sometimes I really have to practice my detachment. If I feel like he's getting too close to pushing my boundaries I say something. He doesn't like hearing it, but I think it's important to remind him what's at stake. I don't want the man-child. I don't like him. If that's who shows up all the time, I'm going to leave. I cannot change him, and I do not want to leave right now. That may change, but I've made a certain peace with my situation. It won't be the same for you; you're the only one who can decide when enough is enough. But I take care of myself, I keep my space, uphold my boundaries, and when I need to I lay down the law.

Beatrice · Senior Member

Hi Wife,

If I didn't have my own bathroom, bedroom, TV and computer in my room, I wouldn't have survived it. I also did a lot of traveling.

I also believe its about our choices. Some are financial entwined, some just do not want a divorce. Some decide they just can't do it. There is no right or wrong answers.
I did attend Alanon meetings regularly and I had a sponsor that got me thru the difficult times. I always had hope that he would become sober in his lifetime but it
it didn't happen. I knew there were things in me that needed to change and I will be ever grateful to the alcoholic, that I took this bumpy path.

I lasted 26 years and then he crossed over my boundaries and values. We had been separated for 7 years, sadly he did pass away last July, even though
he did attend AA on a regular basis. He could not stop, he put me thru it that's for sure, but basically a great person. Their journey and their path is between them and their higher power.
We cant do anything about them or change them, but we have the power over ourselves and the courage to change.

I hope you will come back, read up, absorb, maybe find some Alanon literature. This is the best support group there is, Alanon is for you, if you
work the program, you may be able to come to some answers and solutions that are right for you.

Wishing you Hope

Bettina

P.S.There is another important book I bought many years ago and it helped me a lot to get educated on the disease of alcohol, it helped me to understand the alcoholism is

not a moral issue. Its a small paperback and its called "Under the Influence" cant remember the writer, but he is a Doctor.

-- Edited by Beatrice on Thursday 5th of June 2014 10:09:15 PM

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Wife,

You've caught me on a day when I'm not coping very well - so thank you for a chance to review the things that I do try to do when things are working

Having my own interests is essential. (Currently quilting, painting, growing my own veggies).
Seeing or speaking regularly with friends is good for me. (I'm quite remote where I live so I use Skype and phone a lot).
I try not to think about AH or to have him as the focus of my attention - doesn't work much though!
Meditation and thinking about things or people other than AH that I like helps me with my anxiety. (I'm lucky enough to have good memories to draw on).
I have always been someone who likes to talk to nature - so a walk will usually calms me down pretty quickly as well.
I sometimes say that I live my life despite my husband. (This makes me feel a bit lonely these days though).
Sometimes I don't cope very well at all and at times like that I try to remember to give myself treats and rest.
Life is better when I don't engage with AH.
Valuing my self respect, keeping the word dignity in mind, is important to me as well.
Remembering why I love him helps.
Imagining a loving protective mesh around myself, and reminding myself of it when I see something nasty coming my way!
Being gently honest with myself and with AH.
Being aware of why I've chosen to stay helps as well.
Recognising that when things go wrong it is an opportunity to learn (just another life lesson).
Making sure that I have free will and that my choices are my own.
Oh, and I agree with the others - having your own space is really really helpful (even if it is a desk or a comfy chair - but a door does help as well!)

Just remember the most important thing for me - GRATITUDE!!! It does not help me when I feel sorry for myself

Kerrymom · Senior Member

I agree with the separate spaces, especially the bathroom - I no longer will use or clean his. I too have struggled with this and al anon has helped a lot. With 2 small kids it is REALLY hard to not expect anything from him but I find that is easier than thinking he would do something and getting angry, which I used to do daily! Knowing there are choices also helps, I have made choices and plans such as going back to work full time that will allow me to follow through when the pain of living without him is less than living with him. It is hard, he is a good man and loves his kids but continues to deny he has a problem. He is white knuckling it right now and I'm trying to just enjoy this time, as I know it won't last. I've also started making plans of things I want to do, arranging childcare as I don't trust him with the kids alone, and not cancelling when he doesn't want us to go and pouts. Take care of you!

Luiza · Senior Member

Kerrymom, I am finding hard the idea of not counting with him and I have only 1 kid. You have 2! I can't even imagine.
MY H sometimes talks about having another one. Glad I never agreed.
I leave my daughter (7) with him and never had any major problems. Is it something I have to expect?

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I am chuckling because the first thing I did was to transform the laundry room into my own bathroom.... I share it with the cat, but the cat was cleaner than the alkie. I only had to go into the main bathroom when I had to use the shower. The rest of my stuff I kept in the laundry room with the sink and toilet in there. I also "gave" the alkie the living room for his tv room. I stay in the kitchen/dining area and put a small tv in there. One summer I spent the whole summer sleeping in the tent camper on the lawn (I live in Michigan so it could only be for a couple of months.) He didn't. even. notice. I. wasn't. there.... That really taught me how much I meant to him.

hopes314 · Senior Member

Thank you so much for sharing what to do with myself when living with an AH. I have 3 kids and I can not leave right now but I know the disease progresses and they get worst until they stop drinking.
I was paralyzed to do anything and alnon meetings and friends has helped me regained myself back to normal. It has made me so much stronger in coping with the AH. It is hard to deal with him by myself.
I was wondering if you could start your own meeting where you lived. It is a thought.
I love everyone suggestions. It is so true be consumed with a new hobby or anything to keep you distracted to what is truely going on.
Have hope in yourself and believe in you. Definitely make friends and enjoy life..

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