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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> why do we go back?
Post Info TOPIC: why do we go back?
tortuga


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why do we go back?
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Good morning lovely people,

I'm making progress in letting it all go. After having had several temper tantrums, and sad depressed episodes, I feel I'm resurfacing again in my new project 'life'. In fact circumstances are good, since after 2 weeks I will be moving away from here, leaving this country, that I love so, but which connects me currently too much with the life I had  with my A. Places and people and events reminds me a lot, and I can't really detach completely all the time. Many things had the possibility to happen because I had been quite isolated herei realize now.

But yes, let get back to what I was thinking about this morning. I focused so much on OUR story, on HIS abusive actions, that I didn't take time to observe myself. (i guess that's hood it works with people of addictionyou loose yourself in the long run, being constantly preoccupied by what is going on for them).

I am puzzled, I went back here on the board and read through my initial posts, and then those in the middle, and then those after the first , second, third break-up. I went back so many times, took him back so many times!!! it's scary. The things I wrote I year back, i could still write them today, even adding more things to the lists of garbage I had made at the time, it has even been repetitive. So I'm asking myself, having been obvious victim of first mental, then physical, then again mental abuse the last one I even call 'emotional rape': why did I take him back?? ignoring all the red flags, in full denial, accepting his drinking/smoking pot againand againand again. I set out, only for more trouble. But I remember the times when I did. There was a huge feeling of hope, also an exercise in forgiveness, also an experience in compassion for that person. in such, that is not a bad thing. the bad thing was, that i didn't practice those things with myself.

Forgiving myself for putting me in front of him, takes huge effort. I'm struggling with that right now.

I am still a believer of magic in life, that is a good thing. I have been shaken, but it is still there. And that's who I still want to be. But I went back after 3 times when he hit meand that's only the obvious physical abuse. And the price I had to pay when going back became always higher. I've lost a lot, and I cannot blame it all on him. My boundaries were very weakwhy why why?? does anybody of you out there have any enlightening story explaining this phenomena? how did you deal with it?how did you manage to forgive yourself?How are you protecting yourself for future situations?

for the moment I practice NO CONTACT, remembering the facts (thanks to my journal and these posts here), and search in my assets list where these character traits can get me into troublepracticing AWARENESS  i guess. and as i said, isolation has helped his play a lot i believe. So I am confident that life will be less tense when I'm in my home setting.

Thanks for letting me share. Have a wonderful day ahead!



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grateful2be


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Hi, T. First, let me tell you how delighted I am that you are progressing and making a move that you feel is right for you right now.

As to the why of going back, in my case I didn't go back after I separated from him. I chose to go ahead with divorcing him. Yet, there were times when my disease did invite me to return to him - the why of it has too many reasons to even list anymore. Fortunately, I had placed my life and my will into the hands of my HP and I got stopped by something I couldn't have manipulated on my own no matter how hard I tried before I acted on the urge to return to him.

I do believe there was a grieving process I went through as I moved far away enough from the person who abused me. In that space, I began to recognize the many ways I denied, bargained, got angry, felt depressed and finally accepted that I had been abused and needed to heal from it. As I went through the stages of grieving, the question why was not helpful in my experience. What was helpful to me was asking my HP to help me and to walk through the doors that opened for me. I know more than I did when I was abused. I'm grateful for that.

I'm also grateful that you made it out of this situation alive and well, Tortuga, and are here to tell us your story. You didn't cause the abuse. You couldn't control it. You couldn't cure it. And you can heal from it. Keep moving forward as you are doing, sister. You deserve better than what you got. You will probably be able to spot an abusive man in a group that others will not be able to pinpoint at first. You will know who to walk away from and you can trust yourself to warn you when a red flag rises within you that has the word STOP written on it in HUGE letters. He may be charming. He may be loved by everybody around him. You will see beneath all that and you will know what you know and you can trust it.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 4th of June 2014 10:24:12 PM

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Truth


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I don't know if this will be helpful at all. When I am in the presence of my abuser as the shelter told me to call him. My mind goes wonky. I discussed it on my first intake and the counsellor said that I had been trained. I have to say no violence is not your fault no matter how weak your boundaries. I read a lot on the cycle of abuse. It is a hard thing to break. Please keep sharing. I don't know why but the more you tell the more the shame lifts. ((((((Huge hugs))))) that took a lot of courage.

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Truth


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Oh Grateful that was beautifully written. ((((Big hugs))) to you as well.
I think I just finished grieving yesterday. Lol

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neshema2


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i think the "going back" goes back to magical thinking...."well maybe THIS time"  and we get disappointed again.....we keep going to the drugstore for a chain saw.....not gonna happen.....

i, now, realize that if it didn't work once, it most likely won't work the 2nd time UNLESS offense is a human mistake, fixable, amends made, and behaviour changed  OR in case of an alkie and for me, i would not "go there" again under any circumstances, but the ones who DO have MAYBE a shot at making it are the ones whose addict goes into strong program, works powerful program w/sponsor , 12 steps, et al,  to "go back"  to the same, unchanged person, is useless,  but we alanons have the idealistic thinking mechanism which causes us to think  "well if we try again"  ,  when i worked step 4 I saw that my "going back"  time after time with bad family members was my magincal thinking that "well this time, she/he will love me"   "this time i will get it right"   instead of trying to understand me, i was fighting/forcing others to understand/accept me and that just did not work for me......i worked step 4 and with self assessment, I found the "going back" thingy was out of fear of abandonment, fear of failing in a relationship that was not doable,  being brainwashed that "family, you gotta be loyal b/c it is family"   or  "you married him for better or for worse"   all that "training" that kept me hostage.....step 4 taught me how i functioned...why....where my problem areas came from...how to recognize them...how to manage or minimize or change them.......and also self acceptance so i would not accept these less then healthy relationships......

nobody likes "throwing in the towel"  there is an unfair stigma to "tossing in the towel"   when one is just wanting to take care of themselves, accept conditions as is, not what i "hope it would be"  seeing it realistically and how realistic is it in thinking  this time relatiosnhip can work...

i hope this post made sense.....i had a crazy day at work....still destressing, lol



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Truth


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Oh nemesha that was when I shifted the corner. I changed my belief system about loyalty. I forgot about that.

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el-cee


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I can relate to a lot of your thoughts and feelings. I took It back to me too. The things I can change, me, so I tried to work out why because if I dont know why then I may just go on repeating the same mistakes. I worked out that I played a few roles, partly habit, partly because I was rewarded. Low self esteem, self loathing were the main reasons. Playing the role of martyr and victim rewarded me and kept me playing the role, I think my heightened anxiety was addictive, the chemicals released by our body during crisis can be addictive. I think I was damaged way before my relationship, in my childhood, a childhood lacking in certain areas meant I searched him out, we fitted, he accepted me, damage and all, he could never see me too clearly and I think I felt comfortable in his haze for a while. Inevitably, his haze added to the damage and became uncomfortable.

Forgiveness was really helpful, I have let go of a lot through forgiving. I forgive myself, I did the best with what I knew at the time, same for my mother and my ex, I learned that most people do the best with what they know at the time, this removed the compulsion to play victim, martyr roles. I have no contact with my ex either, I did play at being apart for a while but I realised I was still in the mess so a complete break was needed for my growth, he has grown too, which helps me see how destructive we both were. I love being on my own and I never really feel alone, not while im a member of alanon. Thanks for sharing.x

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pinkchip


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For me Tortuga,

When I started dating again, I had but a lot of energy and time into myself with meetings, going to the gym, stopping many of my vices. As a result of that, my esteem went up and I felt I was worthy of better treatment. I was worthy all along, but I guess my actions didn't match it, so my attitude did not either. All those meetings and "showing up" in other places in my life also stopped the isolation you talked about too. I was accountable and getting my needs met by other people.

Hence, I was quicker to end relationships when there were red flags OR, I made such a big deal out of them that the other person knew I wasn't right for them so those relationships didn't progress thankfully and I found better, kinder, and healthier relationships as a result.

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Debilyn


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I liken it too no knowing how to swim. We walk out a little further each time,then come back. We keep coming back until we are ready to swim off on our own.

One day at a time....



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el-cee


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Truth, im surprised you were advised to call the alcoholic in your life the abuser. I think that keeps you in the victim role. If someone was abused, they were victims of abuse, surely that doesnt make them forever victims, so if you call your ex the abuser it suggests its never ending and you are being abused ongoing forever. It seems to me that in order to move on into the next part having left our alcoholics then surely its healthier to work on viewing the person in a nuetral way. Keeping him on the pedastal of the abuser hands him power and keeps you down. Hes a flawed human being just like everyone else. Hes not the almighty abuser and you the constant victim. Can you see what im saying? Is this helpful in any way?

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