The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH came home yesterday and was another person after only a week. All he talked about was the meeting an how much he learned. My only thing is getting past all the hurt. He has done some some terrible things wasted money, cheating, you name it and I'm just trying to figure out what do I do with all the hurt.. I know the meeting will help sort things out but in the meantime what do I do with all the emotions? Want to talk to him but don't want to upset him. We as a couple need help! Just trying to figure out how to separate the two, addict and himself. Do I work it out or leave...only time will tell.
You don't need to talk anymore. You need you start taking care of you and your AH can take care of himself. As you start your recovery you will will see if your AH is truly taking control of his life and will change. He's not going to do it overnight......much work is needed.
Understand what he's done in the past can't be fixed...it's what you both do going forward is what is recovery.
Time for talk will come someday when the time is right...until then work your program....let him work his.....and watch the actions.....not the words.
Keep coming back because your not alone.
((( hugs )))
PS: Al-anon and AA work good together.....so I recommend you do your part.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Getting rid of the resentments doesn't happen overnite. Its a long journey with a lot of collateral damage for us.
Be grateful he is seeking help. If you can , go too as many Alanon meetings as you can, when things got really tough
I needed the help of a sponsor.
Really learn, absorb, inhale Step one: We admitted we are powerless over alcohol, that our lives have become unmanageable.
Just as unmanageable as the alcoholic.
Not untill I fully understood that this is a disease, not until I really started to work this life changing program of Alanon, not until then could my perception of the alcoholic change.
And not till I stopped blaming the alcoholic for all my problems, did I start to heal.
Keep coming back, because it works if you work it.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. Perhaps saying something to the lines of "I'm proud of you for taking the first step. Now I've got to take mine. There is a lot of history that I need to work through, and I am starting already, but I need some space and time. I will begin attending al Anon (whatever day), and that will help both of us in this journey."
Then, like you would when he is A, let it go and kindly tell him that you don't really known anything more than that if he presses you further.
As Bettina said, it is a long journey, and you will both make mistakes, but with love and patience, which will be by-products of recovery, it can be done.
Also, don't have any expectations. He may get drunk again tomorrow, or he may go 48 years. He will do what he does, and you can't control it.
Broken expectations cause resentments. One of my rules is to try to avoid resentments. Resentments are usually my fault as a result of over-expectations, or consenting to something that I am pretty sure I will regret later on.
