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I hear a lot about making amends all the time in AA meetings I go to with my husband. I have read about it in the big book, in Al Anon books in short it is everywhere. My question is what is an Amends? My AH telling me sorry just won't cut it. He has reeked havoc in our marriage, spiritual, emotional, physical and financial life. He is now living in a 1/2 house and is to have no contact with me. So when it comes time for his amends he will sit down with his list of wrongs and ask me to forgive him and on and on and on. I have been down this road with him. Shouldn't in his amends he should try to repair the emotional, physical and financial destruction he has caused or is that just a fantasy in my head? Do the A's just really go off for treatment, get a shiny clean new life and live ok that the mess they made is still out there.
Amends discussions confuse the heck out of me.
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Flower
The purpose of amends is to clean up the wreckage of the past in my mind and not to make anyone else feel better. It is my understanding that amends simply means that I am able to use the program to change my focus and my attitudes.
I stopped blaming all my problem on others, owned my part in the mess that my marriage and life had become and "Changed my behaviors" . I did not say I was sorry and leave it be. I spoke my truth owned my negative tools, let go of my anger and determined that one day at a time I would use program tools to live my life, focused on myself with compassion and empathy for all and with trust and faith in a HP.
I suggest that you continue to attend meetings, work the Steps completely for yourself and let go of any expectations of the alcoholic and the amends he might make.
I am a long term member of both AA and Al Anon, and I think you are misunderstanding the spirit of the program. If your husband tries to make his amends, and there is no guarantee that he will even get that far if he is surrounded by bitterness, he will do so in his own way and in his own time. There is no set format for how this should be done.
I have made many amends to people in my circle of family and friends. When I did so with my father, he accepted my amends with superiority and disdain. He was not working any program of acceptance, so that was to be expected. Unfortunately, since he was still so controlling in his attitude towards me, that was the last time we met. I chose to detach. Unfortunately, I was lacking true forgiveness, and unwittingly holding onto my anger. Had I really wanted to repair our relationship, I would have found it and my heart to truly forgive him back then. As it was, my amend was attempted before I had truly let go of my resentment, and therefore I failed.
Relationships are, by definition, a joint effort. So I truly hope he sticks with the program long enough to start identifying his defects of character, and to reach out to fix his bridges. I also hope that you progress far enough with your program to be able to identify the part you have, by default, played in your relationship, and identify your defects of character, and reach out to fix your side of the bridge.
If I were to live with continued guilt, shame for all of my past mistakes I would not have a very bright future. I cant change anything that is already done. To me, making amends is saying I am trying to right a wrong. It does not change the wrong, it states that I am recognizing it, doing what is right by acknowledging to the person I have wronged that I have done so and establishing new behaviours and actions so that I don't repeat that wrong. Every morning is a new morning. Its not my job to punish for past behaviours of others. Its my job to establish boundaries so those behaviours are not enabled to continue so I stop punishing myself. Its also okay to not be okay. I see what I need to see when I need to see it. Sending much love and support to you on your journey! M
-- Edited by Mari1978 on Thursday 29th of May 2014 10:23:08 AM
The reason it seems to be confusing you is that he hasn't achieved lasting sobriety so the amends are hollow. Also, it sounds like he has tried to skip all the other steps and leap to step 8 and 9 which deal with amends. If he was really working the first 7 steps, he would have truly changed and addressed character defects and then he would make the amends with more completeness, sincerity and he would "live" those amends by behaving differently. Same thing applies to alanon folks making amends without changing through really going through steps 1 through 7 first.
To add a bit to what pinkchip says about Al-Anon members and amends - I do think it is wise to work through the steps with a sponsor to include amends making. Left to my own devices, I would have been running around hurting myself even more by trying to make amends when the time or the way I'd chosen wasn't in line with the purpose of Step 9. Changing my behavior rather than apologizing to some folks was a viable option and way of carrying out my 9th Step with the guidance of my HP and my sponsor. We are also people who can be harmed when our amends are premature or not guided with the help of our HP, friends in the fellowship and/or our sponsor. My abusive x used to tell me he was sorry for the physical abuse he employed in relationship to me. Those apologies were hollow. The amends I made in relationship to myself was to separate myself from him. The amends I made with him in that regard was to let others do for me what I couldn't do for myself and erect boundaries with promised consequences should he come near me again in any intimidating or threatening or actually abusive way. I sure wasn't going to apologize to him for any of that. And yet - I still made the amends that needed to be made both for myself and for him at that time.
The reason it seems to be confusing you is that he hasn't achieved lasting sobriety so the amends are hollow. Also, it sounds like he has tried to skip all the other steps and leap to step 8 and 9 which deal with amends. If he was really working the first 7 steps, he would have truly changed and addressed character defects and then he would make the amends with more completeness, sincerity and he would "live" those amends by behaving differently. Same thing applies to alanon folks making amends without changing through really going through steps 1 through 7 first.
oh i could not agree with this more...the steps are numbered, sequenced for a reason...one has to really really feel remourse for their wrongs....then take confession and take responsibility....to understand why they did this (step 4) and then to want to "clean up the mess" they caused the best way they can AND, the "kicker" is, to show SUSTAINED good fruit, in that they work/strive to not repeat the behaviour that did the harm in the beginning....no other way , (climbing the steps) is going to make it work or last......THEN daily step 10 (self assessment) to keep my side of the street clean......I agree with pinkchip in that w/out the "b4" work, his amends are hollow and meaningless bc of his lack of a real and sustained and serious program.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I remember thinking this way about amends but having made some myself to my family I know what its about now. Its about looking within and first, admitting your wrong doings, this is a big deal, searching them out, taking an honest hard look at yourself and admitting them to yourself, your higher power and then another human being, usually a sponsor. The amends part is about him changing his attitude, behaviour and thoughts processes that have helped cause all the harm in the first place, remember though hes not alone in having shortcomings. When we live with alcoholism we can behave just as badly but in a different way so we have amends to make too. It took me a while in Alanon to realise this though. Of course, they only mean something after working a spiritual program and working on the previous steps. Amends can be an honest apology but it is mostly about the person dealing with their own issues in order to stop repeating the mistakes over and over. If a person is willing to give that a go then that is about the best that they can ever give you and themselves really. Forgiveness can be a freeing thing to do, I feel so much better having forgiven most of my ex's past wrong doings, I have also forgiven myself for them.
-- Edited by el-cee on Thursday 29th of May 2014 12:18:38 PM
I have no idea how an A goes about making amends , I care little about what someone says or promises I watch what they do . it took 17 yrs of sobriety for my husb to make a formal amends but in those years he completely changed his behavior , became a better more careing husband and father than I could have wished for so for me formal amends were not necessary . on our 46th anniversary he made up a marriage certificate on- line titled * Most Unlikely Marriages * :) and thanked me for being tolerant , patient and forgiving he had it framed and it hangs on our family room wall .
When making amends to my husband I simply said that he did nothing to me that I didn't allow , and I too had to change my behavior. (just my opinion) Louise
As a double winner, both Al-Anon and AA member with numerous years behind me I feel that what you are describing is not so abnormal. A still hurting, and angry spouse and an overly eager early recovery alcoholic trying to hurry up and fix what he spent years (most likely) tearing apart. I tend to agree with Pinkchip and Abbyal, that when the alcoholic has truly worked the previous 7 steps, the amends will require very few words, because the change will be obvious in his actions, attitudes and behaviors. That is what an amends is. Like a legal document that has been amended, means something on the original has been modified, altered or changed and its a formal notice to the courts. A notice of Amendment.
An amends does not mean we say we are sorry, it means we admit we were wrong (two h's - honesty and humility) and outlines what we are going to do to change it (expression of willingness and commitment) for future reference. Then it is followed through with. (two A's - Action and Accountability)
So often I see a newcomer try to work step 9 before doing the other work involved in learning the spiritual principle and meaning of an amends. And don't seek the wisdom of elders in the program about how to make one before stepping over that threshold.
A few years ago, a man with 2 years sober called me all upset because his wife kicked him out. I asked why, had he been drinking? He said he hadn't.. all he did was make an amends. A year or so before he got sober, his wife had removed her jewelry and placed it on the bathroom sink before getting in the shower. He went in while she was showering and took her wedding ring and a bracelet. When she got out of the shower, her 17 year daughter was sitting on the toilet. She busied herself with drying off, going to bedroom for night wear, and went back into the bathroom to discover the jewelry was gone and so was her daughter. She never knew her hubby had been in there. She confronted her daughter, made accusations against her, and the dispute resulted in their relationship being destroyed. The daughter left the home that night never to return and they hadn't spoken to each other in several years. I asked what kind of amends did he make. He said he was sorry, and it was him that stole the jewelry that night. I was blunt and honest... "with an amends like that you should be kicked the hell out!" He was confused and asked where had he went wrong in the amends. I told him, who he owed an amends to was both his wife and her daughter. He should have went to the daughter first and see if she would be willing to be present while he told mom the truth and try to reunite them, that would be his amends to the step-daughter, and as a by-product to a mom who lost a daughter. To his wife he owed the possibility of a re-unification with her daughter and a new wedding ring and a bracelet, with a open and honest commitment to never steal from her again. His "I'm sorry, I did it" missed the mark completely regarding amends. During the amends process we are to try to make right and make good on what we did bad or wrong. This is where real change becomes obvious in the alcoholic's spiritual condition. We are to approach the one we have harmed with a means to make it right and then trust our HP and let the cards fall where they may after cleaning our side of the street in honesty and humility. He brought nothing to the table to make it right, nor did he show any sign of doing so in future. His "I'm sorry, I did it" crap probably did him more harm and hurt the spouse more than can be described. It cost her a relationship with her young daughter!
I have seen many very erroneous amends made that resulted in more harm and damage than was necessary. An early Al-Anon member admitted to their spouse of 24 years that they had had 3 sexual affairs in the past two years...and of course was sorry about it. The spouse had no clue about the affairs. The second and equally important part of step nine is..."except when to do so would injure them or others".... this hurt the spouse very deeply. This did not require a verbal amends at all. This required a living amends. An amends made by true, ongoing loyalty, dedication, devotion and commitment to the marriage, with no further indiscretions. This amends was suppose to be all about CHANGE, not words. At best, it should have only disclosed in a general way that "I have not been the best spouse to you, I know we both were sick from alcoholism under this roof and all that it entailed for both of us, and I'm trying to get better too in AA's sister program, Al-Anon. As a result I want to be a better spouse to you and want you to know that I am truly sorry for any harm I have inflicted on you that brought my love for you and my commitment to our relationship into question. I am learning how to respond to life situations now, instead of react to them and I hope you will see that from me in the future." ... Followed by... following through... ACTION.
I believe someone in early recovery feels the heat under their ass and wants to hurry up and try to put the fire out. But without doing the work that proceeds step nine and talking to elders about it, (with whom, when, where, and how) many are truly doing the best they can, they just don't know any better until after the fact because of the terrible results it reeps upon them as a by product.
I think, somewhat humorously that Al-Anon's should go to a sales person "deal closure" seminar. It's about bringing the potential buyer to a place of commitment to follow through. The "yeah, its really nice, I'll think about it" rarely results in a sale being made. Asking questions that don't have a built in "no" is one thing they learn. A no is real easy to get when asked if they would like it in blue. But when asked, which color do you like the best, the blue, green, sash, or burgundy you've looked at here? They are more inclined to pick the one they want at that moment. or is Monday a good day for delivery for you? ... built in no is there. But "what is your schedule and if you decide you want this, when would be the best time to schedule its delivery?" Now they have the customer visualizing it being brought to their home... and there is no built in no to that question. Al-Anon's need to learn that a "I'm sorry" is nice, but that its okay to ask the big question if its not forthcoming from the early recovering alcoholic. "Okay, now please tell me, what is it I can expect to see in the way of change in the future? or... "I am glad you are trying to grow, I'm proud of you, but please tell me what it is you intend to change so we don't have to ever go through this again? Put the ball of commitment right in the alcoholics lap. Just be careful and never tell the alcoholic what you think they need to change, or you are making their amends for them. Let them speak the words for themselves to you.
Hope this helps with your question.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Thank you everyone for all the replies. I have read and re-read all of them many times and feel a better understanding of what is and what isn't an amends.
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Thank you kind sir for this powerful post. I have printed, pinned it up on my board and just read and read this. It finally made sense what this is all about and not all about. Right now I am working on me, focusing on me, getting help from the rooms, intensive counseling with a great counselor and finally coming to terms that if my A isn't allowed to see me or talk to me etc. then that is what he has to do. With that being said the one thing I do know is that as I get stronger I am understanding that I also cannot be the mermaid waiting on the rock for the drowning sailor to return home and I don't have to. Which now leads me to a whole other issue and that is finding closure to this relationship if it is ending. There is no closure, no ending just nothing and that is my next hurdle.
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
I hear a lot about making amends all the time in AA meetings I go to with my husband. I have read about it in the big book, in Al Anon books in short it is everywhere. My question is what is an Amends? My AH telling me sorry just won't cut it. He has reeked havoc in our marriage, spiritual, emotional, physical and financial life. He is now living in a 1/2 house and is to have no contact with me. So when it comes time for his amends he will sit down with his list of wrongs and ask me to forgive him and on and on and on. I have been down this road with him. Shouldn't in his amends he should try to repair the emotional, physical and financial destruction he has caused or is that just a fantasy in my head? Do the A's just really go off for treatment, get a shiny clean new life and live ok that the mess they made is still out there.