Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Aww, that's sweet: he shared his new book with me, LOL
Post Info TOPIC: Aww, that's sweet: he shared his new book with me, LOL
ilovedogs


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1582
Date:
Aww, that's sweet: he shared his new book with me, LOL
Permalink  

So, I got home from walking the dog and I was complaining about how I had an audiobook that I really should have bought a hard copy of because I wanted to take better notes.  But, I had free credits on audible and didn't want to waste them.  So, AH says, "Oh, speaking of good reads.  Here's one I finished and I think it's really great."  He hands me the, "How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It" book.  He had taken his white cover off it(yes, he covers his books, so we don't see what he's reading, like what we did back in high school and draws on them) and hands it to me.  I told him that I had read it (I had) and he looked shocked.  I said, "I've read a lot of books like this."  

You know, again, I don't know why this bugs me but it does.  It also bugs me that he flashes the book in front of our son's face while our son was in the room with us.  I didn't go around handing him the Big Book or a daily reader or show him a list of AA meetings.  I still feel like it's a control issue with him or maybe it's an act of desperation to get me to read the same thing as him thinking that maybe we'll be on the same page.  I don't see that happening. I truly feel that he's putting saving his marriage ahead of saving himself, if that makes sense.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I just don't see how a marriage book is going to help him with his underlying problems.  He ties everything back to the 'marriage' and I think he's very afraid of being alone.  Well, actually, I know he's very afraid of being alone and my son and I are his only support system except for a few random tennis friends.  I have a HUGE support system.  My fears are financially based because I don't know how I'd make it on my own financially.  I have absolutely no issue with being alone.  Honestly, I think being alone sounds like heaven after all I've dealt with.

What's sad is that I would have relished these 'changes' in him if it were 2 years ago.  I think I'm at the 'too little, too late' phase and that makes me sad.  But, I know that if I walk away now, I'm never going to hear the end of it from my son because my AH will tell him that he was making efforts and that I chose to break his heart.  I remember saying the same thing to my mother when I was in college, I listened to my sick father and blamed my mother for a few years there and I know I wasn't very nice to her.  I didn't understand alcoholism, I just knew that my family was broken and that she initiated it.  Time to talk my HP.



__________________
Struggling to find me......
el-cee


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:
Permalink  

ILD, i can relate to fears like yours, it was similar fears that kept me with my ex for way longer than I wanted to be. I had it in my head my children should not grow up without a Father in a one parent family. It was an idea that was very fixed and not really a rational thought out idea, it was emotional, came from my own childhood and was just stuck there. There was no consideration of what I wanted or needed, what my children needed, even what the A needed really. Im not saying you should leave him but its probably not a good idea to stay for reasons like what your son will think or what you will be blamed for. Your son may blame you for staying some day when he reaches that age and blames you for everything anyway. I doubt your going to get away with the blame era of the teenage angst stage. If you decide to leave you will do your best to tell him the truth as you see it, it might be different from his Dad's but thats life in many ways, two sides to every story, everyone with their own perspective.

__________________
PP


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3964
Date:
Permalink  

I kept myself hostage for many years with all of the fears and reasons why I could not free myself from the hell I helped to create.  I won't go back, I like the freedom side of it so much better....take good care, ILD.



__________________

Paula
ilovedogs


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1582
Date:
Permalink  

Well, it's like my other post from the other day: he's reading the Big Book, reading all kinds of relationship books, but I still see it as manipulation and then I feel guilty for doing so. I see him TRYING but it's almost like there's part of me that doesn't want him to find recovery because that means I would feel obliged to try again in this relationship. If I'm honest: I am really liking my life right now: I like going out with my Al Anon friends, I like not sharing a room with AH because of the snoring and because I actually love sleeping in the spare room because it's so dark and quiet. I love traveling with my ds alone and, well, to be honest I love being in control of those trips and not having to capitulate to another adult. I love working my recovery and driving to MY meetings alone. I don't want company in the car, I get to listen to MY music and can sing along at the top of my lungs.

And, to be honest, I don't think I want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic....EVER and most likely do not want to be in one with a recovering A either. And, that's where I get bogged down in my own mind. I am still married to this man but I know the risks involved even if he finds recovery. I don't trust any of his actions because I see them as temporary. I know the statistics in the rooms and I know he needs an extended period of sobriety before real recovery even sinks in. All I see is risks and me opening myself up to more hurt and pain if I work on the relationship too soon. At this point, I'm not interested. UGH....it's been a long few weeks, friends.

__________________
Struggling to find me......
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

ILD: I think you have made your decision based on your actions and based on what you've said. You are living in the same house with him, trying to make the best of it, and don't want to work on a relationship with him anymore even though this isn't a satisfying or mutually balanced relationship for you? Those aren't good or bad choices to my way of seeing. They simply are your choices and decisions in action. I have stayed in relationships that others might not agree with or understand and yet, deep down I knew the reasons and I lived my choices out and the consequences one day a time until I saw I needed to make new ones. Simple.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 26th of May 2014 01:31:18 PM

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

I get you! The sad thing is we know the underlying number one thing is the addiction. 
He is not even on a program of recovery.

So all he is doing is avoiding the true issue. But my dear you are now wise to it.

As far as financial, I didn't think I would be ok either. But I was and I am. There are so many options, rent a room, rent part of the house out. Get aplace in the country, there are tons of ways to make money that way. things you enjoy too.

Hp honestly gives you options, you do the footwork, he brings the result.

Him must showing his books to all is also manipulation. see see i am good now, its all moms fault.

All a very deep sickness.

If you need to rent, believe me there are so many people who need GOOD tenants.

You are on your way, hope you keep looking fw. hugs!

 



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
el-cee


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:
Permalink  

That is lovely gratitude list you wrote. You have so many positives in your life. Enjoy them and be kind to yourself , when your ready you will be ready.x

__________________
KennyFenderjazz


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1896
Date:
Permalink  

If your like your life now, then that is good. Perhaps bide your time until HP showS you the way out. The biggest difference I have seem in my AW pre/post recovery is the msnipulation pre and being totally real post. Manipulation and passive aggressive BS are really hard to work with.
Kenny

__________________
ilovedogs


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1582
Date:
Permalink  

Kenny, I do think that that's what I'm doing. I'm actually pretty happy. Life is good. Although, I hate summer here because I'm indoors most of the time and AH works from home so we're all around each other A LOT. Honestly, I'm not sure that AH was being manipulative with the book thing. I just think that he doesn't have a clue where to start and thinks that he needs to get the marriage fixed so that he can be happy. I don't think he's learning that happiness comes from the inside and joy comes from finding that happiness. I had to learn that lesson myself and there's always an individual learning curve. Some people will never find that answer for themselves and will always look to someone or something else to fill that empty hole in their soul. I choose God and a connection with that Higher Power today and that is why I can be happy, despite my circumstances.

__________________
Struggling to find me......
KennyFenderjazz


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1896
Date:
Permalink  

Clueless is almost as hard to work with as manipulation :) Getting my codependency issues under control is amongst the many things that I have worked on in recovery and, yes, I could imagine going my whole life not getting it. Thank HP, and only HP, that that didn't happen.

Kenny

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Aww, that's sweet: he shared his new book with me, LOL