I have tried Alanon twice and the reason I left the first time was because when I did tell I was not believed. I was told it was me. This time I had to truly "believe" for myself I was a victim of domestic violence in order to heal.

I know I am going to get through this I just need to learn a new set of skills. I think I was angry for a long time that I had to learn them, however I got myself in this situation and I need to get myself out of it.

For me that statement is too rigid.

An alcoholic is an addict. Alcohol is just the drug the person is choosing to use.

Not all abused people respond the same. I

 sure did not.

Being an abuser is not a symptom of being an addict. It is just that when an addict uses, their ability to stop this normal behavior for them is not working.

Also I like to remember to focus on me, not about others on the board putting them into catagories. They are all individuals, doing their best to live in very, very hard situations. they are very couragious people.

Take whatcha want and leave the rest. Great processing!!!

-- Edited by Debilyn on Sunday 25th of May 2014 05:25:02 PM

i came to alanon not sure if i had been living with an alcoholic for 3 years or if it was just me. he seems to have a major drinking problem but he keeps telling me he doesn't have any problems. i wonder if he is an alcoholic by any chance? i go to the meetings and sure enough, he definitely is. he has a big drinking problem, he lies, nothing can stop or change it, and DENIAL is the name of the game. denial can go on for years and years and years. the same dynamic but the actors are older. he taught me how the denial works and how to use it to keep everything looking OK on the outside.

then i started wondering, could i try to not see him as 'the alcoholic' but start seeming him as 'the abuser'? controlling, lying, aggressive, esp. when he's been drinking, watch out. what is the difference between an 'alcoholic' and an 'abusive' person or abusive personality? for me, it was important to recognize that he is an alcoholic, but also to recognize that he is an abuser which is 2 separate things. but i guess alcohol and domestic violence often go together. denial and repeating insanity is what allowed me to keep tolerating it. abuse the drug, abuse the people around you. i was focusing so much on the drinking part, it was almost adding to my denial about the abusive part.

you are correct abuse and addiction are 2 separate things but they go together all too often. i 'did the right thing' and got out. 2 whole weeks ago. now i have no idea what to do! i think, maybe i should just go back there. i honestly don't seem to have anywhere else to go... do i? time to go to another meeting!

 

 

I am a child of the disease...

born and raised in it...

insanity...

nothing real     nothing clean     everything normal

normally insane

including the abusive     language    thoughts    feelings    behaviors  

especially the threats of violence and then the violence.

The threats of

violence appropriately called punishments after the accusations and blame

were sinister often

I was made to wait patiently for them to be administered and

they were drawn out longer when and if I didn't

react or respond appropriately to the abusers mood or

sense of self.

My abusers and I

both

suffered

as victims

of the disease of alcoholism

and

drug addiction.

Abnormal is normal           down the road            I learned to respond          in kind         no         not in kind         greater than.

Homicidal and suicidal and I didn't

know

should I finish them

or

finish their work         on me. 

I've been close to completing those endeavors

and then

I found the Al-Anon Family groups and AA and college then

redirection for my life.

I got the opportunity to practice as a

behavioral health therapist

and came to understand myself and my connections.

I was told to listen to the similarities

between

their stories

and mine.

I was home

healing with

others who had healed also.

I went on to work as a

men's case manager for a

Alternatives to Violence program

I knew them

they knew me

we were each other

they have been glad I arrived.

Alcohol and drugs

fuels that fire and confuses the

mind....body...spirit..and emotions.

What else is there

to explain that

I cannot give the love

I want to give

nor recognize the love

I am getting.

There must be a power

greater than all of this

for me

and for my victims

and my perpetrators.

That Higher Power

makes all of the difference in

our world and

our lives.

I apologize for every time you were hit and attacked and for every time your spirit screamed out for it to stop and it didn't.  I know and I know now that I know and I know now that it is done...over...for me except for the amends and the apologies.  You did not deserve the abuse...we did not deserve it.

In support (((((hugs)))))

-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 26th of May 2014 12:36:28 AM

Truth, I think I get what your saying. I was abused and while I was being abused I didnt know I was being abused. That realisation can be a sore one and it comes with anger. All I can tell you from my own experience is that once I became aware of it I began to accept it and it gradually had no power over me after a while but I had a lot of anger, probably about 2 months of raging hot anger, but I talked it over with alanon members, came here and expressed it, wrote it all out and got to the point of action, that was hard but it was the forgiveness part for me. Hurt people hurt people. I was hurt because they were hurt and so on. I have let it go but from time to time I can be taken back there to that time and that feeling. Loud voices, aggression, parties, lol, can trigger me and I get tense and can freeze like you. I think it will always be with me and will flash up now and again but it passes and its over and the memory of it is going to keep me from ever living with it again.x