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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I have to stop engaging in conversation with the A. He did something malicious :(
Post Info TOPIC: I have to stop engaging in conversation with the A. He did something malicious :(
Newlife girl


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I have to stop engaging in conversation with the A. He did something malicious :(
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My AH decided to tear down an old wooden play structure in our backyard. My older children with my first husband helped him build it. They remember helping him and it meant a lot to them, even though the structure needed to be torn down. It had termites and was in bad shape. My AH mentioned tearing it down to me months ago and I told him it wasn't a priority for me. He has lots of cars and boats that need to be dealt with first. The other day I went to the house to get a few things and saw the structure in a pile of wood. It was shocking to me because he didn't even ask any of his family before he did it. He just did it. I know he was mad at me at the time, because he kept telling me I was so negative for bringing up past things he did and current things that I couldn't live with. I told him all he had to do was mention it to me and the kids and ask us.  That's all. he told me since I abandoned the house he could do whatever he wanted. we had agreed when i left that we would leave each other's things alone. So much for that. So we argued about this incident. The next day he apologized with a tiny bit of sincerity. He claims he didn't realize how important it was. But he knows we talked about it before. And his priorities on what to clean up don't make sense. So last night he texted me " I have finally had an epiphany about this play structure fiasco. It reminded you of a relationship that didn't work. It also reminds me how I was never really a part of your family." He knew when he married me I was newly divorced and had 2 kids. He loves to play the victim and tell me he was always unwanted. I told him the alcoholism is what we all hate. I told him it was mainly the fact he just tore it down without saying a word. So his passive aggressive text got me furious and I started fighting with him over the phone like a crazy woman. He just basically flushed his apology down the toilet when he started talking about his so-called epiphany. (That's his favorite word now) 

I should have just said "ok" and ignored him. I get so furious when he is passive aggressive and tries to bait me. He always ends up pointing the finger away from himself. I know I have rights because I still own that house. I need to look into that legally. please give me feedback and ideas about practicing self control when dealing with a passive aggressive AH. 



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Newlife girl


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I have to admit the structure does remind me of a family that didn't work...but the main issue was his lack of caring when he just did it without mentioning it. We talked about it probably 6 months prior. So it was a long time.

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SerenityRUS


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Well NG .. I really DO empathize with your feelings of remorse and grief with the structure .. to put it in perspective I thought based upon the title it was something like he burned photos or keyed your car. Things of that nature. My STBAX took a picture of the two of us and I have no idea why it was upsetting because the kids wanted it as it's one of the few of the two of us while we were dating.

In the big scheme of things I had to go to How Important Is It? He can't take my memories of that evening and we had a great deal of fun that night dancing and just being goofy. It is disappointing that the kids were upset .. however ... maybe it was something that needed to happen and now I can say it's one less reminder.

I find that I want things to be on my terms and my way and the reality is that I am powerless over other people, places and things (I throw in the past as well for good measure). Yes, it probably wasn't the nicest thing that was done .. he did it and now all you can do is choose how you are going to react. Personally when it's something I'm emotionally attached to I allow myself space which includes not texting and engaging because I am not in a place to be nice or have compassion.

Whatever my STBAX motives are .. those are completely on him and things he will have to deal with or not at some point. It's not in my hula hoop. Now if he's tearing down walls that's a WHOLE other story.

Hugs S :)

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Newlife girl


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I know how he operates Serenity. I have asked him many times to get rid of major things that are a big eye sore for our neighborhood and he would always shut down the conversation. He became paralyzed with the thought of getting rid of things. So he knew I had issues with this structure and I know that's why he just tore it down without saying a word. It's passive aggressive stuff. If the tables were turned and I had a tow truck take a junk car away he would have had a mental breakdown.



-- Edited by Debilyn on Sunday 25th of May 2014 05:07:01 PM

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KennyFenderjazz


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As do what they do. Ofttimes it is irrational. Separating yourself from him is what is giving you serenity, I would think, so is the loss of the swing set really worth it?

Dealing with a passive/aggressive person has mostly to do with not trying to figure out why they do what they do. Sometimes it means nothing, sometimes it means a lot. They are too cowardly to tell you what they are really thinking. I should know, I used to be the king of p/a behavior, have to fight it every day. I would constantly steal my AWs serenity with that behavior, its one reason she started using. But she stopped letting me take it, once she was in recovdry she threatened to leave if I kept it up, so I got busy with my recovery and am working hard on being real and dumping the p/a behavior.

I now value my serenity too much to let someone steal it too. Or to give it away to anyone.

Kenny


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pinkchip


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It's stuff...just stuff. You are the emotionally healthier person. Yes things have meaning...stuff has meaning, but if you can stay focused on what you have that he doesn't and can't even come close to...that helps to not fall into passive aggressive traps. He doesn't have your financial means, the respect of the kids, the future, the emotional fortitude, support system...What he does with "stuff" is pitiful when you look at it that way...not as anger provoking.



-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 25th of May 2014 01:25:16 PM

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grateful2be


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My experience with people who have not yet owned their own passive aggressive behavior or tendencies is to trigger my anger so that they don't have to deal with their own stuff. Without help, its a pretty lonely way to live in my estimation. The best way to keep the game going on my part is to let them trigger anger in me. Recognizing that a person with passive aggressive tendencies can't play life straight with me directly, tells me to move away from them - not come closer for yet another go around of "I told you blah-blah-blah and then you blah-blah-blah." Then they say, "What? I go out there and take down that termite infested piece of wood to clean up the property that you have said you wanted clean and here you are - angry again and I think that is because blah-blah-blah, etc." If they cross a big line that calls for police action, I will call the police and still refuse to engage with them. Nothing will change in my experience with somebody who isn't ready to own their own stuff and that helps me better work on my own with others who are working on their stuff, too.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 25th of May 2014 01:56:36 PM

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el-cee


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I walked away from everything, left with just mine and my two sons clothes. He had the house, the contents, everything. After about a year he moved from our family home and that was harder for me but I could understand, he was living there on his own, a large family home with no-one in it with him eventually. That was hard for me, harder than walking away because although I had walked away I hadn't really let go, I still knew that he was there in the background, everything the same and he would be staying the same and if I wanted to return it would be there waiting for me, like a safety net. So him making changes felt like him moving on and I was not ready for him to move on. Really though he was drinking, not moving on at all and he eventually regretted moving. For me though it helped me move from one stage to the next of the letting go process. I understand how you feel but it could be a symbol of some growing you have to do which in the long run will take you to freedom.x

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Debilyn


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the core may be he disrespected you. you both agreed to leave each others things alone.

So yes i agree, house is yours, he is in it (?) you may have to formerly evict him to get him out.

not deal with his bolony? stop communicating with him.

Its all insanity. hugs



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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I have to stop engaging in conversation with the A. He did something malicious :(