The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am beginning to understand the fear tactics the alcoholics/addicts in my life use to control the situation. They accuse you of judging them, they accuse you not letting them make mistakes, they accuse you that you are responsible for who they associate with. They recruit and get negative advocates to target you. They accuse you of trying to be perfect. They have the control issues.
When I let go of the control my STBAX's issues with control come out in force. I realized that my control issues were overt .. his were covert. I just never saw them and no one else did because he was behind the scenes trying to run the show .. that all changed when I stepped back.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Truth I am always powerless over others but not over myself. I have found that people can and do accuse me of many things because their vision of me and my actions are filtered through their own experiences.
Using alanon tools is invaluable in these situations because I know that as long as I keep the focus on myself, examine my motives, say what I mean and mean what I say with courage , serenity and wisdom my HP will be there as my inner voice to guide my words and actions .
I am thankful for this thread. Weekend is when AH acts more irrational. He texted things like divorce, my fault then drive to don't know where. I do not know where he is and used to go crazy trying to find him. Today I used what I read about fear. That I cannot control what he does nor is this fear rational.
He is very upset because this fear tactic does not extract the same response as it used to. I need to pray for myself then him. Not sure what he will do tonight but what will happen is in God's control.
Thanks Hotrod. I am doing just that. I am no longer taking a passive approach in the abuse. It is coming. I am really good at exercising, hanging out with my son, making suppers, doing my yard work, listening to music and meditating. I am not so good at understanding the boundaries I need to put in place. I am not use to setting boundaries and having someone bowl them over. I now realize I need plans in place for just that. Whether it happens or not.
Since I have a pre-disposition to freeze in those situations. I need to practice and have a safety plan. I also am installing an alarm system to phone the police directly.
