I firmly believe this - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I firmly believe this

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the share, Debilyn. I sure can appreciate your views on this. It explains how tender you can be to so many on this board, too, sister.

One of things I've had to wrestle with in my own family of origin is how to come back on my own terms in a different way. As I shared with SGL, being with my sibs as I did what I wanted to do with and for my dying father, was an exercise in practicing about the entire program. I had to determine what was most important - and it was being the daughter I am to the father I had. Recognizing that my sibs have never entered recovery and are in various stages of the progressive nature of the disease and recognizing that I am a member of that family as it is made it possible for me to know that I couldn't be there without a lot of program help and people. Being reminded that they were who they were and not to take it personally (which I do being the feeling person that I am), didn't stop the stinging of the arrows for me but it did help me know that staying away from my Dad and from his funeral was unacceptable behavior on my part. Would I stay in any of their homes for very long? No. Not now. But that doesn't remove my care for them nor does it take away my being their sister since before all 9 of them were born. I chose to keep my opinion to myself when I was with them. I chose to turn any hurts I felt or stings I received into my HP's hands to use as S/He saw fit. I refused to let the disease keep me from being near my Dad in his final hours to hold his hand, to comfort him when anxiety occurred, to be there in one of the most intimate moments of our history together as one of the last things I could do for him. And following that - the opportunity to eulogize one of the most loving although fallible men I have known in my lifetime in the company of my sibs who had just lost their last parent and have their own challenges and struggles in life. I do believe that love is greater than any negative pull or dart or arrow. My Dad modeled that for me and he had been through a lot in his own life. I wanted to bear witness to the light that he carried within him and not to the darkness of the disease that has knocked us down as a family but has not succeeded in destroying us.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 03:52:16 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 03:53:52 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Wonderfully said. Your dad had to be very precious. NO wonder you are.

After my being shy, tore up by conflicts when I went to school, i did not want to be a victum anymore. took me a long time. 5 years of college, facing administration that was full of bolony.'

Fighting for my students, I face conflict head on and am not rattled. Does not mean I may not cry later to let out some stuff.

I am proud of you, soso glad you are here on mip!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((D))) Your students were blessed - very, very blessed, Debilyn. They had a warrior princess fighting for them and they needed you. And ... your sense of humor and how you deal with things I am still watching and using in bits and parts in my own life. Thank you for being you! You already know what I see in you and how I experience you in your softness, your honesty and your wit.

And yes, my Dad was precious to me and I cherished him. Trust me, I would never have put myself through some of the bologna that goes on in my family if he hadn't asked me and I didn't want to say "yes." I made a conscious choice to do what I needed to do, so like you, I wasn't a victim - just a woman with a particular mission on her mind. biggrin

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 04:30:37 PM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn, your experience with alcoholism is very different from my own and from many of the posts I read.

'If A ever was rude to me, I immediately said,treat me with respect or there is the door. Even that for me was too much. he was actually not that verbal. He knew better. In reality I think he loved me so much, and I him that he did his best to keep it together as he knew I could do it without him.'

Maybe you were really lucky in terms of the person your alcoholic husband was. For me the verbal abuse began in a subtle way so that I never even recognised it as abuse. It built up over time and before I new it I was putting up with more and more until it was very clearly abuse by that time in our relationship I was lacking self esteem and confidence and so just took it. The fact that you immediately recognised it and were strong enough to show him the door right away seems so alien to me. Your experience of alcoholism is interesting to me as its so different from my own, what symptoms did you have that made you go to Alanon and seek recovery?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you, Deb, for sharing your story in more than a bit here and there. I so appreciated reading it. I am so glad you have survived and thrive, too. You're a big source of comfort and guidance and wisdom for many.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Deb, I have been thinking about this posting most of the afternoon and attempting to frame my response in such a way as to reflect my childhood and family. My mother was bipolar and often went off meds and said and did many strange and difficult things. No one in the family abandoned her including my father. He worked diligently to make sure she and all the children were cared for when she was unable to do so, and when she was well enough he enjoyed her company and her spirit. The lesson I learned in childhood was that people have problems and that because they have problems and are ill it is not the reason to abandon them.

With this experience, I met and married a healthy loving man, who turned out many years later to exhibit all the behaviors of an alcoholic. With my childhood training firmly behind me I trusted that if I just kept showing up, doing my best, taking care of all that needed to be taken care of, he would recover and become himself once again. It never entered my mind to leave h im. I did draw boundaries as to what I felt was appropriate behavior from anyone regardless of their illness are not. Leaving him in my mind was not an option until one day I felt that if I didn't leave I would kill him. This was my bottom and when I found Al-Anon. Al-Anon never suggested that I leave and reminded me that we can be happy even if the alcoholic is still drinking or not. It assured me if I learned the tools that were offered to me freely, I would respond differently and life would improve----- they were right.

I am so grateful for this program and being able to share my ES H. I am glad you are here and have also shared.

To all the new folk all I can say is keep coming back it works if we work it

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh dear Betty thank you for sharing that!Makes me feel so rich to know you!

You have a way of always getting the Al Anon point out.I appreciate that.

I have to say even with your hardships, many of them, it's so great to hear about when you go off to those wonderful places on earth!

hugs! debilyn

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