he's TRYING and I'm angry...why? - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

he's TRYING and I'm angry...why?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah relax. There's no timeline. And screw labels like "the bad guy." He might become sober and decent and whatever and you still are no longer a fit. You aren't necessarily going to fall head over heels because he gets sober and especially not after a few weeks. It took me 2 years of doing AA full force to really change. Easy does it. If AA helps fix some of the issues great..If not, you will decide then. You can still separate if you want. It's your life. Stop agonizing and projecting. Be kind to yourself.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I've learned that I can't make any plans for myself based on what somebody else is or isn't doing - especially an untreated A. It has worked best for me to inventory my own true thoughts, feelings, ask for guidance from my HP, reason it out with others I trust who care about me and have some real common sense and down to earth thinking, turn my decision over to my HP before acting on it and asking that if what I am about to do is not in my HP's will/design for me and my life, to make it crystal clear in some way that I'll recognize.

ILD: You will know what to do and when to do it and what he does and doesn't do won't matter. Even if he does choose to work a program of recovery in earnest, that doesn't mean you'll necessarily see it to be a positive thing to return to him as his wife. A joint separation from him is an action step to take and doesn't require divorce to make that happen. With my x, I thought that was all I'd need to do and within the first few months I saw such a difference in my children, me and our lives, I chose to make it a permanent move.

In any relationship there are no bad guys - just two people who can live together or not. This is a difficult situation. Sending you lots of affirmation of you and your ability to know if you're done or not done and to act on the decision you make in peace and the knowledge of your HP's wisdom and guidance for you.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 02:39:48 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 02:43:45 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 02:57:42 PM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

There is nothing like feeling like someone has thrown a monkey wrench into a well thought out plan .. lol .. and I only laugh because I have been there done that .. if his changes are real .. they will be just as real in 6 months. It's understandable that you feel angry because I'm sure it seems too little to late. You will know when you know and regardless of what he is or isn't doing the decision will be what is best for you.

Hugs S :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hon most of us feel like this and have these questions.

He is still an A, will always be and you know they almost always relapse. Some people are willing to stay and chance it. I would not.

Plus this is so not his usual ways. Takes a lot to really change habits. A's are great at manipulating. Of course he knows you have pulled away and you are proactively changing, ready to leave.

Pink chip is right also about you may not even like him if he did change. IF.

How often do we read here of people who have stayed and it worked out? Has he gone to rehab, a long one, done his 90 in 90, set up a recovery program, volunteering at meetings? Has he lived at least 2 years working his program? Does he talk program?

For me I thought about when I divorced, there is nothing that says I cannot go back to him later. Of course after being away from it all I NEVER want to live in that drama and mess again.

I believe a person has to get away, make their lives cont. in serenity without the A diseases influence to know, how very seriously sick they were to stay. The peace, the healthiness of not even being involved with the A at all is such a relief.

He can be a nice person and do what he is going to do. But for me I just will not live with an A again. I can love them, very much, I like lots of things about A's,just cannot live with them.

Do what is right for you and yours! I am proud of you. You will get there, and you will be sure when ya do!

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

I haven't posted for a while because I have been so conflicted that it seemed whatever plans I would post would be the opposite the next day so I decided to just hush up for a while and stick to reading only but this was so right up my alley that I had to jump in. Boy, I can so relate to the timing of their getting it together pissing you off :) If you recall, my AH did this the week before I was able to file for divorce. I was skeptical but I have to say that it's been 10 months and he has stuck to doing all the right things for his recovery and is becoming more and more every day the person that everyone thought was gone. He is back to work and has assumed his responsibilities as a father and many of being a husband. Anyway, just wanted to say that with all of that, I have chosen to keep my apartment and my space and even though we are on very good terms, I'm not ready to jump back in even though he wants me to. I went for a divorce consultation and decided to go for a middle of the road approach and stay married but separated but rotect myself financially with papers saying that if he doesn't stay sober and falls behind on the mortgage that he will move out and I can move in to put the house on the market. My co-dependent side feels like I am being difficult but my al anon, stronger side knows this feels right for ME. I hope your husband is able to have success but try to make your decisions based on what is best for you and in the end, that is best for him too.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

ILD, it is all part of the merrygoround unless he is fully committed to recovery. My ex would give me just enough hope to cling on to then I would let the walls down and then it would all slowly begin again. Maybe your just not done yet. I suggest you write all your plans down, see it as your freedom kit, then put it on a high shelf and leave it there for a while. Give yourself a break from trying to work out what you want. It could be that you will allow the truth of your mind come into focus.x

AlAnonPhuket · Newbie

9 years ago I started AA meetings after I left my husband in an alcoholic blaze of fury. I was told not to make any major changes for a year. And yet I went straight back to him after only 6 weeks in the program. With the help of AA and Al Anon, I held on to the hope that sobriety would make us better, and it did. We were lucky.

But in my experience, that often doesn't work as well for many. Some fail in early recovery. Often the alcoholic needs space to work on recovery, and a later reunion once a healthy sobriety has been established. Whichever you decide, just keep coming back, get to meetings, and focus on healing yourself x

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.