Is Al-Anon Right For Me? - Al-Anon Family Group

jcmo4029 · Newbie

Is Al-Anon Right For Me?

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I came into al-anon feeling so messed up, inside out and backwards that I didn't really believe or trust in the program at first. I read into everything and separated myself out, because well I felt different. In truth and overtime I kept going and I realized I was not all that different, not the first person to be neglected as a child, not the first person to marry an A, be raised by A's or just feel as broken as I did. I came from dysfunction and knew something had to change. Talking about these vulnerable taboo things is hard and only in an al-anon meetings or personal counselors office, I spill my personal stories. You know in these meetings I have had people be able to relate and later tell me their stories. I know some meetings don't like to get into the dirty details and well I talk to my sponsor and a few close al-anon friends about those things when I need to and especially my counselor who was trained in dealing with families of alcoholics.

You do not need to apologize to anyone nor feel like you do not deserve to be at those meetings. You qualify and can use the help just the same as the next person who has been affected by alcoholism. There are some protocols at each meeting and they are read at most meetings. Everyone at these meetings need to be there as I do, so I do not expect them to be perfect or beyond regression in their own program, because I have done it too. Being critical of myself and others is one of my character defects and well I am working on handing it over, but sometimes it comes back to visit. Al-anon is for people who want to dive in and work on the changes they can control within themselves. It is learning to accept ourselves and letting go of the rest. It is not easy and it does require a lot. It was not comfortable for me and at times still is not, but it works and you get out what you put in. If you let people stand in your way, you lose out, not them. I feel passionate about this because I started al-anon 13 years ago the first time and I chose to walk away because of a couple unhealthy people. Now that I came back a few years ago and dove in, well not only was I seriously ready, but I needed it even more so. Then changes in my life prove it works and can for you too. I have seen people from all walks of life grow and make huge strides here and I believe in al-anon whole heartedly if you haven't noticed. Keep coming back and know it works when you work it! Sending you love and support on your recovery journey!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome ICMO,

Alanon 's principles and philosophy have not changed. Remember that this is a fellowship of equals who are attending meetings because we have been severely affected by the disease of alcoholism That is why it is so important to remember to "take what you like and leave the rest" . Leave the rest, to me simply means, let it go ignore it do not try to argue your point.

The member who suggested not to try to" understand the insanity of the disease-"--- is an opinion that is held by many in program. Alcoholism is a 3 fold disease that cannot be understood completely . Spending our time focusing on an issue over which we are powerless is a big waste of our precious time and energy Alanon suggests that we focus on ourselves, try to understand why we do what we do and say what we say.

The reason for this is that we have power over our lives and understanding ourselves is crucial to our growth

I am sorry that you felt slighted at the meetings and suggest that you try others or go back with an open mind Keep coming here as well You are not alone

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Al anon, in my opinion, would be beneficial for anyone, as the 12 steps are keys for living a life of sanity. When I would get offended in meetings, the person, who I believed was doing the offending, often was telling me the truth that I did not want to hear. My pride was all over me smile As time went on, I listened when I got offended, as it brought me to a greater understanding of me. There are times I still get offended, then I do my HALT. And there are some people that believe they have all the answers..in that case I kindly tune them out. Keep going to meetings and let the meetings work on you...the al anon program works if you work it and you are worth it!

Mirandac · Veteran Member

I just listen alot. I usually will hear what i need to hear. Your really not suppose to talk about the alcoholic
And that might be your sticking point. My Group is a little controlling so i tread very carefully but they have
Lots of wisdom if are willing to listen and they have helped many a people.

-- Edited by Mirandac on Saturday 24th of May 2014 03:07:19 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It is impossible to rationalize insanity.

Remember dearest, it is al anon that matters, NOT the people! Its the steps, traditions, slogans. It's finding your plan to live in a recovery that fits you.

Each person is working on themselves and who knows how they are doing.

We go to listen to the shares and take what we need and leave the rest.

People who you don't agree with, its ok to not react or respond. they have a right to their thoughts, beliefs, feelings but you do too

Now I always think ok what is the most loving way to respond or handle this.

As far as paying bail, that was your choice! Myself, I know for me I am robbing them of experiencing something that may help them to grow. We all need those consequences for our behavior to face changes we choose to make.

Maybe next time you will choose not to.

Does not matter. you love your kiddo, you will do your best! It is sad he relapsed, however that is part of being an addict. We just want to have hope he will find his sobriety and get on a program of recovery. Which is for life, as addiction is never cured. It is part of a persons dna.

I am soo sad you lost your other son! NO it was not meant to be. What a horrible thing to say. He had to have been very sick and sad. I know you and yours hurt! This world is a very hard place to be!

We have meetings here, we would never put up with anyone talking to you like that. I sure wouldn't. MIP is a safe, healthy place.even here take what you want and leave the rest.

there is nothing that says not to talk about the A or not to vent. At first we all do that. then we learn it is about us not them. (c:

please keep coming! (c:

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello. Welcome to MIP. You've met some of our large family who have a lot of Al-Anon experiences under their belt and a lot of e/s/h to share.

I, too, have a son with this disease. I've learned that it is a trial by error thing to know what to say or what to do in relationship to him or in relationship to Al-Anon members. Not everything sits well with me at times. Not everything I say sits well with others. Yet, I belong. There have been times when going to meetings and being with the fellowship and working the steps became incredibly painful the closer I came to making the hard changes I needed to make in me. As a Mother, I've found the program to be countercultural especially as it comes to my son. I took a break for awhile when the pain got to be too much, but I returned. I learned there was no place else I could really go that understood alcoholism and its affect on family members as did Al-Anon. Those painful experiences dissipated after awhile and I grew in doing things differently. There was a cost to pay but it is a cost I don't regret.

I do think that at times I kind of picked some things that happened or were said in the group to bolster my desire to escape doing the hard, sometimes painful work of changing. In some ways, it was like surgery to me - and who cheerfully marches off to the surgical room (and in the case of second time Moms - the delivery room) to surrender to others doing what we cannot do for ourselves - no matter how badly we need the surgery to remove the diseased parts (or the last stages of labor to give birth to the baby)? I discovered that when I resisted the process rather than eased into the process, it made it that much more painful for me. I'm a bit of a fighter - okay - I am a fighter.

I can't say that my story is the same as yours, but I want to share it as part of my own experience with wavering or wondering if I belonged or even wanted to belong in the fellowship. I am sorry that you've lost one of your sons to suicide and that now you're seeing your other son with this disease. Sometimes, it all feels to be too much, doesn't it?

Keep coming back. We're glad you're here.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 09:39:43 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of May 2014 09:45:16 PM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Trying another meeting never hurts anyway, it might help you get some perspective.

Kenny

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi JCM, in my own experience I needed a couple of things for Alanon, or to be ready for Alanon. I needed an open mind to allow the new way of thinking in, I needed to truly listen to what people were saying, it was usually really insightful even if I didnt quite get it at the time or I took it a bit personally. The second thing I needed was to surrender myself, I realised that I had mostly been miserable, mostly made decisions that made things worse in my family, mostly got depressed and felt like a victim. so, I needed and wanted and actively saught change. My thinking has changed, my outlook has changed, my relationships with everyone including myself has changed and all for the better. The alcoholics in my life are still up and down and all the rest of it but Im not. Im happier, more content and I have an Higher Power now to.

There are a few things you say that suggest its your own thinking in regard to Alanon that is stopping you from progressing. You joined to support your son. Alanon is for you, in my meetings a lot of the women talk about the early days when they were there to get the A's in their life sober. Alanon is not about getting anyone sober, your son has AA if he wants support and help, there is nothing you can do. Also, when your son relapsed and you heard gasps, those are gasps of compassion not judging. An Alanon meeting is probably the only place in the world that no matter what your story is there will be someone who has a worse one. You baled your son out of jail, this is enabling and we are all guilty of it, its usually not the right thing to do but it takes a while to get there. You are also not happy with your sponsor's responses. It may be that you are looking for something else at this time, sympathy, agreement, pity whereas in Alanon you usually get compassion, honesty and a kick up the backside in some form or other. It is not always easy to take but its most likely exactly what you need. Noone is going to be perfect, no group is going to be perfect and your recovery is not going to be perfect.

karma13 · Senior Member

I think I would try to find another meeting. In alanon we say take what you like and leave the rest. In the beginning of my recovery journey I had a lot of sponsors try to outright control me, so I switched sponsors a lot. I feel when members first come in they should be able to focus on the A, talk about the A all they want, instead of being shamed. Try to remember that everyone in recovery is recovering to some degree, none of us are perfect, and you are there for yourself. You are right no one should criticize you, give you advice, or gossip about you...and I'll add a little more tell you what you should share, think, feel or do. That's someone trying to control you. I would continue to go though, with the A's in your life, it is the right place and safe place to be. Ha ha maybe just not at that particular meeting;)I have a close friend in the program that says you can learn as much from the ones who do it wrong as the ones who do it right. So when you go to the meetings, trust your intuition, if something isn't right for you or someone isn't treating you right, you know it. Still it would be nice to have a Afg who is kind and loves you, that is making all the difference in my ongoing recovery. Your alanon family is out there ;) shop around some different meetings. Hugs

Mirandac · Veteran Member

My group is tough, i wish i had more time and was on newcomers
Welcome group. A lot of people come and go ( i think would come back if there was
A newcomers group which we dont have) Cross talk not tolerated,
Many rules of conduct, can be very confusing. Yes a sponsor at
First would be great but if you dont know any of the people it can be
Scary. Thats why i just listen because many of us are programmed
Totally different. We want to relate,comment, talk about a subject.
Not be chastised for being open,honest and human.

-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 25th of May 2014 12:47:09 PM

jcmo4029 · Newbie

Thank you, everyone who answered my post, for taking the time to comment. I read each & every comment and will take to heart the advice you gave me. I do feel I need to find a new group. I feel I need to do more listening at meetings for a while, and not to let my personal feelings interfere with what I hear at meetings. I need to find a new sponsor. And, most important, because I have two practicing alcoholics in my family, I need to keep going to Al-Anon and I will remain active on this site. The information you all provided was very supportive. I did attend my usual weekly meeting and, again, was approached by the same person who approached me two weeks ago telling me I didn't understand the A and never will. This time the person asked me why I was coming to Al-Anon, was I there for me or the A, and asked me to explain why I was coming to Al-Anon. I kind of feel like I'm on trial at this meeting, that if I don't give the correct answers they might kick me out of the meeting. So, I am going to try meetings across the river (I live on the border of two states) in another state, 18 miles away, as it's a larger town and they have more diverse meetings. I'll keep trying different meetings until I find one that fits. smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the update. I am pleased that you have made the decision to include Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and this site as part of your recovery process .

Please remember that alanon is a fellowship of equals and that your opinion and your voice is just as needed as a member who sha been around for a long time.

I do hope that you are able to find meeting that is supportive and offers the powerful tools of sponsorship and the steps to you. Just as an afterthought, I learned how to use Al-Anon tools and to validate myself in alanon meetings. In the beginning it was a perfect place to practice these principles in all my affairs .

Please remember that it will be perfectly acceptable for you to mention that you are looking for otherswho will share their experience strength and hope and are not comfortable with questioning. That's validating your needs and very important to learn.

Please keep coming back here as well you are not alone

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you. I hope you can find a meeting you are comfortable at. I've only been to three different home group meetings, all of which I like. This summer I want to branch out some more to attend some different ones, just to see what they are like, and perhaps I would like them even more, who knows?

For me personally I have found here to be even better than my face to face meetings. I like my F2F, but this is available 24/7, and it is more writing than talking, which I am generally more comfortable at. I'm still not comfortable doing a share at my F2F meetings, even though I feel they are all very supportive. Plus I can spend lots of time here learning slogans, concepts, etc, that I would have to be going to meetings 7 days a week to learn, and I just don't have time for that at this point in my life.

Keep coming back and let us know how it goes, we will keep supporting you!

Kenny

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello MJ and welcome to the board - this board saved my sanity because it allowed me, (didn't stop me) from browsing any and all topics I came up with, using the search feature to find others who echoed what I was going through. There is a meeting here, and you are welcome to attend, I tried one once but it falls in a bad time zone for me.

Simply put - Al-Anon is right for you if you are drawn to it (as I was) and, YOU want to keep coming back to find the answers you seek (again, as was I). I am the type to NOT accept someone telling me I don't need to understand something - just accept it. (yeah, I was that kid who's parents said don't stick a fork in the light socked because you'll get electrocuted and I had to find out for myself). Understanding alcoholism helped me to understand why my A would live in squalor rather than simply go to AA and fix everything. When I identified the problem (alcoholism and my own co-dependency) I thought, ok, we know the problem, lets fix it.... lets do this and that and everything would be wonderful - uh, no, didn't happen that way, because I have control over only me. Al-Anon helped me to see that I needed to step back and see things for what they were.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.