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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New and need help!
Post Info TOPIC: New and need help!
Afh


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New and need help!
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Hello!

First, I want to apologize if I'm on the incorrect forum today. I'm new to this forum and I'm wanting to share my story and seek advice. I've been in and out of Alanon activity for about two years. I have read a lot of material and been to meetings. I have recently felt stronger about myself and not let my husband's drinking make me feel bad about who I am. But yesterday, after his actions, I feel it's time to act and I'm not sure how or maybe even when.

My name is Amy and I'm 41 years old. My husband and I have been married for 19 years. We have two children, boy 15 and girl 12. I'm a codependent for sure though I've worked thru a lot of that.

When I met my husband, he had been out of rehab for about 6 months. We married 2 years later. We were married for about 5 years and he was sober...(I think) He said to me one day that he felt like he could enjoy a beer every now and then as his lifestyle was much different now and he could handle it. Me not being very educated in alcoholism, I agreed and that's when it all began.

At first, it wasn't an issue or at least I didn't think so at the time. My husband is a good man with a good heart. He's never been physically abusive. He's a hard worker and has always had a job. I guess with work history, he's a functioning drunk. Not so much at home. He's kind of like one of the kids, though he's the child that could be classified as the spoiled brat. He has tantrums when things don't go his way. He will put his needs first over the children's and so on as an alcoholic. 

About 7 years ago he picked up my son from school while drunk. Yesterday, he picked my daughter up from a friend's house while drunk. The only reason I know is because he had pulled over to use the restroom and my daughter called me crying because she was scared that dad was drinking. Thank God, as with my son that day 7 years ago, they made it home safely.

Every bone in my body tells me it's time to leave him. I have a good job and friends and family that will support me thru this if I choose to do so. But I do need some strength to change my family life. I'm hoping to get support thru this forum. If anybody can give some advice, I would be most grateful!

 

Amy

 





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Breakingfree


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I can relate to your share and it really took me hitting my own bottom to realize I could no longer live in the insanity that was my home life. These are big changes you are thinking of making and I am sure you do not put it out there lightly. Only you can make that decision and stand by it. I left because my exAh would black out and was getting worse and worse. My oldest daughter now 16 years old saw more than I am proud of and although he never physically beat me, there was abuse and a very toxic relationship going on in the home. I wanted more for my children, but it was hard because my exAh has a good heart and held a good job and things from the outside didn't look that chaotic, but I knew how I felt and I could no longer do it, not another day. I am glad you found us here at MIP. I had to up my local face to face meetings and dive into my step work while going through the divorce process to keep me as on point as I could be. Sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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sunshine23


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We are all here to support each other in this similar but individual journey. Keeping your kids and yourself safe is the most important thing.

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ilovedogs


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I can relate, my AH was sober for 15 years and he talked me into the idea of just having a beer or glass of wine every once in a while because he was in his 40s now and so much more mature. Oh, how gullible and blind I was! The driving drunk with the kids is the toughest thing, but at least your kids are older and can call you when they know something is up. Younger children don't have that perception or voice. My son is 15 and I've educated him on his rights and how to spot dad's drunken behaviors and how it's ok to say NO to getting in the car with him. Luckily, my AH got a DUI and now has an interlock on his car but that comes off in 2 months and we'll be back to where we started if he doesn't keep up with his recovery.

I hope you can attend some Al Anon meetings. They have saved my life, literally. Although, I continue to live with my AH, I do know that there are other options for me and that I do have support from friends and family. That makes all the difference in helping us decide what God's will is for our lives, something that we use Al Anon to help us discover by working the steps and talking with a sponsor. Welcome to the boards!

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Debilyn


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you are very welcomed here. Believe me this is an amazing group of people who really care.

I believe in trusting our intuition. What I can tell you is that everyone I have seen who left the A to protect them and the kids, has some out with a much better life.

Its not fair for the kids to have to be responsible for dad. They will feel that way. Also they cannot trust him. what if he says hey lets go get ice cream? they know he has been drinking, what a horrible place for a kid to be!

We are suppose to be able to trust our parents. Sadly the A with this disease is totally untrustworthy. It's the disease, not him. But makes no difference we must protect the kids.

I would have hated seeing my Daddy like that. I was so tender that any loud word freaked me out.

You know in your heart what is right. When you are sure you will leave. It is amazing how serene one feels when they are away from the A's disease. We hope they will be so miserable they will come to a place they can get into recovery.

I sure hope you come back. We are here for you! debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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sadsusie


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I understand. I have spent a lot of time dealing with my own co-dependency. I have found over the last few months that I have had to learn my strength. It is already in you, you just have to use it.

I spent a lot of time ignoring my gut feelings, my intuitions, my desires. Now, if I feel like doing something, I (try) to do it. Even if it means I get a lot of flack from my AH. The more I practiced doing what made sense to me and standing up to my AH, the better I got at it. It has now become more of a pattern.

I left once because we were both at rock bottom. I came back got a little healthier. He didn't. I got another place i.e. apartment, to go to if I needed to get out of the chaos. I gave that place up again on my own terms. I only have to protect myself. I have no children.

This can only be your decision 1.How do you truly feel about it...emotionally and logically. 2. What is best for your mental health and the health of your children?

Have a plan. execute it because you know it is right for you and your kids. You have the strength to do anything you put your mind to. Just to note..being scared, or tired, or emotional, or um..did I say scared?...does NOT mean that you are not STRONG. It means you are human. Follow your gut and your HP will do the rest.

Many Blessings
"Sweet" Susie



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Many Blessings,

"Sweet Susie"

 BEFORE-YOU-JUDGE-ME.jpgim in charge and I'm happypeople bring you down, you are above themresponsibilty for your energy
Afh


Newbie

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Thank you to everyone who replied to my post!

Well, I did it. My husband left on Sunday. I was a calm exit as neither one of us raised our voices or argued. He was just agreeable and said ok. I don't see the need to be hostile about it all. "It is what it is." See, my husband is at the remorseful stage here. I suspect he'll become raged when he realizes this is reality and not just me punishing him for driven drunk with our daughter. I'm not punishing him, I want him to use this time alone to get healthy. I do love him! He can quit drinking because he's done it before. Problem is, once the "storm" is over, he will drink again, like in the past. This time I want him to seek help for his alcoholism. Inpatient or out. Something!!! 

We have talked off and on since he left. About the kids and how they are, and just general conversation. I asked him if he had explored AA and his response is that he knows what he needs to do....which means quit drinking. Period! He's wanting the kids and I to go out for dinner with him Saturday night. Not sure how to feel about that. I feel like he's just trying to smooth things over and not address the real issue. 

I fear I'll be tempted to let him come home. As I said, I do love him. But I don't want him home and unhealthy. Just not sure what to do here!!

Amy



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