Staying detach - Al-Anon Family Group

sunshine23 · Veteran Member

Staying detach

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you for protecting your finances and getting you and your children some rest from the craziness of living with an alcoholic. In my experience an addicted person will say anything to get what they want and lash out like a child when they dont. Its not about love, they usually love like a spoilt teenager loves, only when its useful to them. I know this sounds harsh but it seems to be the reality, even ex alcoholics will tell you this, the question is do you want to know the truth or are you happy in denial. Denial can be easier, the stories we make up about love, and being needed are easier to face than the actual facts. Do your children want to go with him? It sounds like a miserable situation for them, is he even capable of looking after them properly and staying sober?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholics have giant egos and act like big babies when they are hurt by others. In truth, he probably doesn't think lowly of you but thinks lowly of you leaving him and lowly of himself. That is the disease of alcoholism...thick denial and self-loathing that leads to sick behaviors that are not rational. An emotionally busted, self-centered drunk is not going to show diplomacy or the ability to reason during a separation. They will act like a hurt child on the play ground that got their ball taken away because that is where they are at mentally. It's not about you Sunshine as much as it's about him and his alcoholism.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I was going to say something similar to Pink's response .. they want their ball and bat to play with and are mad when you decide to take "their" toys and play somewhere else. I found that myself and the kids are viewed as possessions .. he wants us available ... however he wants to go out and play by his rules. I just choose for us not to be placed on a shelf.

I'm glad you protected yourself financially.

Hugs S :)

sunshine23 · Veteran Member

I came to the realization after many years. It used to always be me. Why did he betray my trust? Why did he not care about how I feel? Then I went to periods of thinking I need to do more. Maybe if I spend more time with him? More sex? Change a job? Now I am at the place of it is not about me. It is his disease to deal with. However as a victim of this disease, I need to seek recovery.

Throughout these years, I manage to keep my job. I could split our savings in half with him and still be financially secure. I think that shut him up a bit. Those first few days when we first moved, he texted me continuously. My pastor adviced me not to reply because it will only encourage him to go on and on. It worked! Sometimes they are doing what they are doing to get a reaction. Just like my children. They will throw a tantrum if they do not get what they want.

Because he is not trustworthy, I have to be present when he goes out with the kids. This is tough for me but something I have to do. Not sure how the meeting with the relative went. The irony is they are going out drinking so that the relative can convince him not to drink. The best thing I can do is pray. At least they did not drive to the meeting place.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

It is so hard to know what to do in these circumstances, but it sounds like you are taking care of yourself and your children. A's do what they are going to do and al-anon teaches us to take good care of ourselves finally. Keep up the good work and keep coming back. Sending you love and support on your journey.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

it will get easier over time.

sadly the using A will probably disapear from the kids. Just want to say, for the kids and him, they need to do something together so they do not have to talk.

board games are good for this. can even be done in a park or where ever. My mother set it up so my Daddy took each of us out alone just with him. I loved that. (c: I loved my family.

anything that they keep busy or go to a movie etc is good, especially at first. My fb is debilyn McPhate. there is a great recipe for making bubbles! huge ones! just bend a hanger...

You are very couragious, I am glad you are using your head and heart and making healthy changes!

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