Question regarding boundaries - Al-Anon Family Group

Thoughtanya · Newbie

Question regarding boundaries

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Personally .. I don't do long emails or communication with my stbax .. with his mind he can't process what I've written when it's that long. I try to keep it very short and to the point. In my case I stick to the facts and leave emotions out of the communication .. now that might be different for others who are still in a marital relationship .. for me that just doesn't work as it leads to arguments which then somehow become my fault .. lol. I'm very over that part of the deal.

For me a boundary is a promise to myself what I will and won't tolerate anymore and I don't repeat them .. it's a one time deal and then I take the action that I've decided to take. I do not believe that all boundaries need to be communicated especially if they are promises to me .. it just is what it is .. and again I do not communicate more than once about them.

As an example a boundary for me is that I will take action if I know if I know he's drinking and driving with the kids. They don't get in the car with him. Meaning I have no issue calling the police. I have never communicated that to him .. I don't feel that is something I need to .. because for me it's a safety issue. If he's that far gone to take that action .. then I'm wasting my breath.

I will be spoken to with respect when it comes to dealing with the divorce and the kids. I have no need to make small talk with him. I will shut a conversation down if it gets out of hand.

When I say stop .. I mean STOP .. I have the right to feel safe during a conversation face to face or via technology.

Sometimes a boundary is kind of an ultimatum .. such as .. I will leave if this continues .. I don't see that there is an issue with that outside of the fact .. do you mean what you say and say what you mean. Those kinds of statements you better be able to follow through .. if you can't or you feel you will waffle .. don't make that statement .. an A believes what you do .. NOT what you say .. I am still dealing with the fact that I want to believe what my STBAX says and not what he shows me in action.

Do you have a sponsor? Attending meetings? Are you reading Alanon lit?

A boundary can change based upon new information .. and that's ok. I have some boundaries especially when it comes to the kids that are hard boundaries .. if it involves safety then pretty much he's screwed .. I refuse to mess around with that issue. I'm a little stubborn that way. I have soft boundaries that involve being flexible about visitation sometimes his weeks don't workout and I want to be reasonable .. however .. there are times that if he misses .. he misses and he'll have to wait.

I really do encourage you to get to a meeting and not minimize the alcoholism however understand it. Understand how this disease has effected .. because the alcoholic isn't doing these things TO you .. they are doing these things to themselves and sometimes we do become the collateral damage.

Big hugs, glad you are here, S :)

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Tanya

Boundaries are for you and not for your husband. Next you say what you mean, mean what you say but never say it mean.

One of the first boundaries I set for myself is I will not talk to my son if he was drunk. I told him my boundary and then started working it. If he called me drunk I would say I love you but I will not talk to you drunk....and hung up. Didn't take long for him to stop calling drunk. I also gave him some time but my next boundary was to stop all enabling. It was tough on me but I had to keep my promise to myself and for him to not go back and break the boundary or I would be right back to square one. Third was I would call the police if I knew he was driving drunk. I didn't but HP took over and called the police for me. He is now on his third DUI sitting in jail for a good long time. Thank you God....

Boundaries are what you think you have to do for your peace.

He will either drink and drive or he won't.....what are you going to do?

(((( hugs ))))

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Welcome Tanya

I learnt in Al-anon to keep my communication with AH short and to the point. He is unable to understand long conversations/letters so will react badly and usually see it as criticism. The more words I use the more scope for his disease to twist and turn my words to try and provoke a fight to distract from what i am trying to express, in my experience.

I keep things to one or two sentences, I also watch my tone. I keep it low and neutral.

I am prone to turn things into a big pompous lecture so I am aware of this defect and work not to do this. I make it simple and not personal.

The boundaries I give are regards issues that directly affect me. His issues are his own to keep clean.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

did you look in your drafts file?

Boundaries are what you put in place to make your life as livable as you want. Ultimatums are usually said in anger, or are bossy....or?

simple. "A, I have a boundary to keep my life happy. No one is to live in my home if they drink and drive." "If they do, they are not welcome here, and may not live here." period. If he starts arguing do not engage, u can keep repeating the boundary. he will stop trying to argue. You do not have to answer him.

If one speaks negative, I say, I will be treated with the respect I deserve. If not, I will not live with that person. They will have to go.

In a rightious life, we NEVER have to have anyone speak to us in a mean way. We get so used to the A's bolony we forget that.

Life can be what we want, it may not include the A however, yet it may with skills and boundaries.

I don't use the word YOU. It can put most on the defensive.

Glad you are here, hugs,debilyn

Inrecovery · Member

Tt, I was having the same problem about setting boundaries on weather i should tell my A or not and how to go about it, so I asked my sponsor. This is what she told me..if I don't tell him what I expect he has no idea because no one can read my mind. If he wants something from me, do I want him to tell me or should he expect me to read his mind?? Mt answer to that is..I want him to tell me what he wants in a kind loving way,so that's exactly what I need to do for him. I try to always rem(which can be difficult for me:)) to...say what I mean,mean what I say,but never say it in a mean way. I try to keep it short and to the point..no beating around the bushes.. Sometimes I tell him f2f and other times if I know it might not be well received I write him a letter and put it where I know he'll find it.. The biggest challenge for me is not to back down on my boundary if it's not well received. When I set a boundary I ask myself..is this what "I" want or do I have some hidden motive here? Am I doing it for the right reason? And if it's something I want I take action. Go to your HP with it,take time...if you have a sponsor talk to you sponsor about it..keep coming back on this board..we're all here for each other,to help each other in times like this..( hugs to you)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Tanya and from my experience many times I've has similar events regarding a controlling opportunity where it was interfered with by my HP telling me "Stop...get out of the way. I'm working on it now, not you." I was sitting the board (dispatch) for the CHiPs in my area one night when I got a call for a license plate and driver check which sure enough turned out to be my alcoholic/addict wife. Right there I had a power opportunity and the equipment and time to broadcast way more than God would have and I knew it clearly. While the officer waiting for the information from me I responded with only "The subject is known to me" rather than her name, numbers and drinking and using history. The officer got the message and said he would contact me on returning from shift and would provide transportation for my alcoholic/addict to her home and secure the car off the highway. I didn't even acknowledge that because it all was a God and CHiPs thingy. I remained powerless and never even mentioned it to her at any time. It got taken care of and in return my HP used her entry into rehab and recovery as a metaphor for humility for me. Grateful eternally. Often times boundaries are for my own and others safety because I'm away from the problem. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

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