Fear of exabf dying - Al-Anon Family Group

giraffe13 · Senior Member

Fear of exabf dying

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Compassion is good, but you don't need to feel sorry for him. Yes, it's a disease he didn't ask for, but he has choices and makes bad ones. There have been a few times in the last years I wondered if my ex-A was dead or not. He seemed headed that way when we split. This was the case especially in the few months after we split. In actuality, he's fine without me and if he isn't, oh well...that would be more of the same self-sabotage that I no longer wanted a front row seat to anyhow. I think after a break up with a dysfunctional alcoholic / addict, our paying attention to and checking up on them is kind of like stopping while driving to look at an accident. You know it's not gonna be pretty but you look anyhow and it slows you down. Try not to look.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Giraffe This is indeed a dreadful disease and so very painful for all involved.

Prayers for your friend and yourself.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Yep, it definitely is a terrible disease that takes a toll on a person physically, mentally and spiritually whether it's the alcoholics or those who love them. Wishing healing for both of you. TT

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

It is a dreadful disease and he makes choices as to how he wants to live. When my heart hurts for my loved ones, I remind myself that their life is between them and their HP and who am I to interfere or even judge their consequences? I can feel the compassion and hold these truths at the same time.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand, i often thought he got away with so much of the hard stuff in life, to an extent that is true, he views life through hazy eyes, he wont allow himself to feel. It is sad, I have compassion too. The difference for me is I have compassion for myself too. It is a family disease, everyone suffers. The power to change belongs only to him. There are choices and options that often are only realised when things get bad enough for them. If he is going downhill, it may be tempting to feel sorry for him and save him from the pain you have perceived. I done this over and over again. I thought its such a shame for him, he cant help it, he needs me etc. The only problem is that I was soon back on that merrygoround and he never reached his own bottom that would have allowed him to surrender, really feel the consequences and accept responsibility for his own life. I left my ex and he lost his family too, he is sober today and my whole family is doing better. I will never live with him again, I couldnt be sure the same behaviours wouldnt resurface for both of us.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

This attitude is good. They are humans, they do hurt.

However even if they don't stop drinking, they can go to AA. They can be careful how they treat us. Just becuz one is A does not mean they are a bad person. Nor does it mean they are good!

It hurts to see anyone sick and hurting. But we have to give it to our Hp, since he knows what he is doing anyway.

We have NO idea how long they have. I have seen people go for many, many years into their 70's!! Drinking and doing anything they can get their hands on.

I know my very loved ex AH is dying slowly, very slowly. Gave it to hp a long time ago. Honestly for my A I wish his misery would end. He has so many health problems that it is no wonder he uses.

Plus he is a war vet, so has that ptsd plus he has mpd. ugh.

He has to get to a place he pulls himself out if he really wants to, and can. So no use in worrying. We have no control over anyones dying. My husband did die from the disease. I still miss him. But at least I know he is at peace. love!~

giraffe13 · Senior Member

I don't spend sleepless nights worrying. I just have this full on anxiety attack once in awhile when I realize the reality that he can die at *any moment.* it is that real. That scares me. thinking of him dying will never "not scare me." Feeling sorry for him has never led me to want to rescue him. I left so that is not a thought I have at this point. I just simply feel bad for him. It is a choice, but it isn't. It is a disease. An addiction, and I feel bad to see him wrapped in something he really has no control over. As they say in AA. He is powerless, and he is fighting a rough battle and it is really showing. He is miserable. I really feel that what I am going through is easier in the bigger picture than what he goes through, and I always ask God and keep him in my prayers that he finds the strength to ask for help and give into the battle b/c he is just that unhappy and hurting. Hard to see.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

For me those are periods of compassion and I can use them to kick start my prayer practice. Alcoholism in part is described as "A compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body which is progressive and that the alcoholic looses the choice as to whether he drinks or not or how much". I am a double and member of both Al-Anon and AA and from my experience of also being born and raised in the disease I know that definition to be true for me. My friends and relatives had the fear at times I would not make it and so did I. Without a program of recovery and the open mindedness and willingness to learn and walk it from others who had the knowledge and experience themselves many do and will continue to die from it. The definition also states that alcoholism is incurable and fatal with a loss of sanity. I know that to be true and have no lingering doubts about it. What did I and do I do with the fear of it...trust God and the will of God and love unconditionally. I can do that now that I have found recovery. I don't like death by any means at any victim especially if any of the victims are known to me (I have an elder son in relapse) and then the opening statement to our steps says "We admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable". I will revisit that truth many times because I need to and some of those times I will cry even while at those times I will love unconditionally. Powerless also means I don't ever really know the outcomes when a higher power is involved. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand that fear. I, too, can die at any moment. I can choose to face that reality and accept that "Well, I'm not dead yet," and be happy for that or I can anguish over something I simply can't control. The fear of dying is in all of us, I think, to greater and lesser degrees. The fact is that some day, we will all die. But, until I do, or my loved ones do, I can choose to live and enjoy what is now.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The thought of my ex-A dying does not scare me. Almost 6 years later, it is what it is. If he dies from alcoholism, I would be sad hearing about it, but he's no longer a part of my life for the most part. So...you might move on like this giraffe. Much further down the road. It is okay to slowly stop being so concerned over time. That is natural as you let go and move on with your life. For now, it seems your feelings are natural and suggest what a caring person you are. Does not mean you are uncaring if after a few years, you are not so moved thinking about him. Don't expect that you will never not have fear for him dying. If you really move on to a happier and healthier life, thoughts about your sick ex and relationships that ended do not consume as much thought and emotion and that is ok.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I will also say that after only 2 months following the break up of that 7 year relationship, I was still thinking about him and was concerned he would die. He called me after a drunk car crash and I even went to check on him despite how horrible the break up was because I was worried he was hurt, had nobody, and was too messed up to go to the hospital and that he was going to die. He wrecked 2 cars drunk back to back right after our break up. So yeah...I know where you are at. From what I hear now, my ex is okay..still a drunk and has a new boyfriend who is a crackhead. Whatever...

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember when right in the middle of it, thinking his death would be the only thing that would give me relief from the misery of it all. Ive got fear about my son dying but again there is relief in death for everyone. I feel sorry for the mothers and partners and children especially, these are the ones that wear the damage on the inside, its harder to see. Him, hes looking all sad and disheavelled and in pain, yes of course this is painful but he is the only one who can change it and of course hes got choices, every human being alive has choices to some degree. He can choose to go to aa, to seek help, to take responsibility or he can choose to wallow in his self pity. How did other alcoholics get sober, they chose a different way, choices. Hes not a helpless baby, a victim of life, hes doing what he wants to do. Its good that you never saved or rescued him, I thought we all did that, it took up most of my time for years.

-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 24th of May 2014 07:22:15 AM

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