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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My problems do matter
Post Info TOPIC: My problems do matter
Kerrymom


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My problems do matter
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Growing up my older sister was always demanding attention, she's adopted and don't know if it's attachment disorder or something in her genes, but everything is always about her, even now when she has 3 wonderful kids, her problems are more important, if I was trying to talk to our mom she would either butt in or listen then make fun of me later. My parents were also doing their best, special needs younger sister and drama queen who made life hell if upset, so I recall many times my problems were discounted or not even listened to so I stopped talking about them.  I find myself thinking that now, well my problems arent that bad, what the hell am I complaining about, at least he doesn't do x,y,z, and when I'm told I'm making things up and seeing things that aren't happening makes me doubt myself.  But the problems are hugely affecting me and will my children so they do matter and there are people who support me and aren't thinking just shut up already (I hope!) working on opening up and trusting.  So hard to trust...

AH said to me tonight, after not speaking about anything related to us for over a month, "so you think I'm doing better right, things are good now with us".WTH - we haven't talked and when he said that's because I don't talk I replied I don't want to be lied to, I admit to not talking to him partly as I have no idea what's left to say.  So he became defensive and threw it back at me and even said "so I'm told im an alcoholic (by 2 professionals) and all of a sudden I fit all the stereotypes and I am an alcoholic" (he doesn't like my alanon bookssmile) and continued to deny he's drank in the last couple weeks, even though he was caught trying to hide a drink. Told him I wasn't going to argue with what I saw, I'm concerned about him and left it at that. He tried to continue but I didn't engage. 

I have no anger left, just sadness. He's drinking in the morning now on weekends, controlling it so he's not totally drunk, but it just seems to have progressed another step. Sad he's not accepting the disease, sad my marriage is non existent, sad for my kids, and just not seeing us continuing like this much longer.  I can't leave the kids with him to run to grocery store, I can't protect them from him every minute, separating means turning them over to him.  Just not seeing a solution but nothing changes if nothing changes. 

Thanks for letting me share, I so appreciate everyone here! 



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grateful2be


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I can remember those feelings and that sadness you're talking about. Meetings always helped me see solutions I hadn't seen before by just listening to others. I hope you are able to get to some? As far as turning the kids over to him if you separate from him? Are you meaning if you leave the home you have to leave the kids there?

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Kerrymom


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Thank you grateful, I am able to go to 1 meeting a week that meets during the day. As far as the kids it would be visitation - have checked into it and he wouldn't be denied as he hasn't had anything documented like DUI. I don't want to keep them from seeing him but he's proven they aren't safe with him when drinking

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grateful2be


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Thank you for clarifying that for me. I understand now. And I certainly do understand the dilemma you are in right now. I'm not going to whip out any of my Al-Anon tools other than to say I'm listening, I care and the challenges you are facing certainly do matter as do you.

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Jerry F


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Kerry the very first promise that was made to me from inside of Al-Anon which came true; over time is, "If you keep and open mind...you will find help".  You hear that promise at the reading of the closing of every Al-Anon meeting.  That promise came true for me with the addition of other tools, patience (one day at a time...this too will pass...easy does it...) and many more.  Sponsorship with its ESH and close support was a monster tool along with building a stronger relationship with my HP than I had with anyone else.  The disease could take me out at will when I first got here and not my HP.  I stay open minded letting recovery come at me from all angles...listening and watching and then practicing that which works for others in the fellowship.   I also am in support.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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el-cee


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Kerry, awareness and acceptance comes with a bit of sadness because reality of our situations is a bit sad, theres a bit of grief there when we realise our relationships are what they are. I know I grieved for my hopes when I realised the truth and reality. I kept on with my programme and I have gotten stronger, my life came into clearer and clearer view and I faced many of my fears, sorted through many of the false and negative thinking that had previously kept me locked in. What is it that keeps you in this relationship ? It might help to take a really close look at the reasons and see if they are false fears, mine were, every single one. I broke free and he just hit the drink for a long time after but I was getting stronger and better and so were my kids. In my experience an active alcoholic doesnt want custody of kids and cant keep up with visjtations and often provides clear evidence for supervised visits only.

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pinkchip


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Right now, your kids are getting exposure (visitation) with him every day. If you think you are controlling all negative effects and keeping them totally safe from his alcoholism - you aren't. You stated 2 professionals diagnosed him as an alcoholic (that is documentation right there). Your AH never has to step up to the plate if you assume all parenting responsibilities. I know you may have to do this out of necessity, but staying with him and having him think that his drinking isn't affecting his ability to parent (because you do it all) is somewhat enabling. I can understand not wanting your kids to have to experience this without you there, but you can hopefully set up contingencies for what they do if he is drinking. Don't know if they are old enough to know... Anyhow, kids being around a drunk dad and sad mom daily is no solution to avoiding visitations. Nothing is simple and there are no "right answers" but try not to deny yourself valid choices. Sometimes it feels "safer" for us and our loved ones to be around the alcoholic monitoring them when actually being around them is more dangerous than what would occur with less contact but without the ability to monitor. I know others here have more direct ESH on this. Especially SerenityRUS...breakingfree...mattie...I'm sure them and others will have more wisdom to share...

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Newlife girl


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Hi kerrymom. I can relate to your concerns. My AH was drinking in the mornings too and it was very disturbing. We are separated now. I am wondering why you are saying if you and your husband separate it would mean handing the kids over to him? Do you know you would have to do that for sure? Why? I moved out with our daughter and laid down rules that must be followed about visitation. We are not legally divorced yet, but when and if we go to court I will have a lot of evidence against him as far as being unsafe and an alcoholic.



-- Edited by Newlife girl on Tuesday 20th of May 2014 10:53:00 AM

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Newlife girl


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I couldn't agree more with pinkchip.

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Debilyn


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Pink chip and others are correct. Your kid are affected by him now. Plus they never get a break. They can feel how you feel.

I called it cold wars when my parents tried to hide stuff. They were not A's but I knew when something was not right. shattered my security.

when mother left daddy for awhile it was such a relief. they got back together and it went much better.

Kids are so precious easily scared, worried etc. Moreso than we are as their little brains are not developed till about 21!

I am so sorry you are in this situation. all the a thinks about unless in recovery is themself. He probably was just bumbling alone thinking all was well.

sad. hugs hon, keep coming and letting this poison out!



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Breakingfree


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I am glad you are here and it sounds like you have good awareness. You received great ESH and keep validating yourself and showing up for yourself with self care! Sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Kerrymom


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Thank you! Thank you! So much truth and honesty in your responses, and yes fear is the reason I'm still with him, can make other excuses as why this isn't the right time but it comes down to the fears- being alone, what happens after one of us moves out, how will it affect our son (daughter is too young), blah, blah, blah.

I think I'm finally realizing how truly blind he is to the problems with us- he asked if I was happy he was doing better the other night, umm you do dishes sometimes and get up with baby if your already awake, and he's been getting home closer to the time he's done with work rather than staying for 1-2 hours longer. I did tell him I appreciated those things but his drinking is coming back and concerns me he starts in the morning now. Of course that was denied and after I wouldn't engage in his justifying and denying he stopped. Next day totally oblivious!

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