A or B? - Al-Anon Family Group

ssilver · Member

A or B?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Good share and it brings back memories...Been there and done some of that myself and one of the things I was told was to stay in and focus on my own recovery for 2 years before making any serious changes; like divorce. I was told that Al-Anon doesn't give advice and yep they didn't. Whether I did or didn't what was most important was the 2 years of steady program before and that made all the difference to me. It actually took 3 years because I relapsed with her while in separation after about a year and when I regained my senses then I did the 2 years start to stop. When I got out of the way and her life...she got sober. How fun!! I had heard of that happening from other enablers while not thinking it pertained to me. HP held her up for me as the metaphor for humility so she went from drunk to recovery tool demo which blew my mind. In the end we divorced and found out we loved each other honestly and still I had no need to be married to her...or anyone else at the time.

Time takes time...take your time...God first...you next...others later. ((((hugs)))) smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My Dad was not an A, but he did have stroke induced Alzheimer's/dementia. He lived with my brother and his wife and children for four years following his stroke. As the disease progressed, so did his inability to care for himself. He refused to take his meds, drove and got lost many times, became incontinent and refused to change his Depends. It became unbearable for my brother and his family to live with my Dad and because we were his children he'd get stubborn about doing anything that his doctor recommended and we suggested - or in some cases - demanded. Finally, a crisis erupted and my POA brother made arrangements for Dad to be put in AL where he did more of what the staff said he had to do than he would ever have done living with any of us. He wasn't belligerent but he did behave like a teen out of control - going so far as to try to feed my brother's dog his meds when my brother wasn't looking. I was going to take him in and my daughter who'd worked in a nursing home gave me the facts of what would happen as he declined and asked if I could truly wrestle my Dad to the floor when he tried to steal my car keys to drive my car or fell and couldn't get back up or screamed at me because he didn't like something and told the family I was mistreating him. She asked me if I had the physical strength to shower him or the medical knowledge to test him for diabetes or care for him when - not if - he'd have another stroke. I had to answer the questions truthfully and the answer was no to all. There was no way I could care for an aging man with dementia who was also incapable of reasoning, caring for himself, or considering the affect of his actions on me and on the family.

Although you might not want to leave him, there might be other options for you to consider based on his medical condition? Alcoholism is a progressive disease as is dementia. Are you physically, mentally or emotionally equipped to continue to care for him without harming your own health?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow. This is a tough one because I know alanon will tell you not to do things for the person that they can do for themselves, but he's at the point where it's questionable what he can do for himself. Prayers... Maybe nursing assistance?

-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 19th of May 2014 07:18:05 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

First, let me assure you there are no judgments and I want to validate that you are living in an excruciating situation and need other support, in addition to al anon, to care for him. Looking at options in between the either/or, as has been suggested, will be helpful. I did home health care for several years and I have witnessed first hand the torment families experience with any of their choices in these kinds of situations. It is easy to see the person as they once were and miss the reality of what is. I have found it helpful when I am spinning and confused to take my physical self out of the environment for a day or so to get out of the energy of the chaos. I can get clarity as to the next best action. I am so glad to hear you have embraced your meetings and have a sponsor for individual support; those are steps many do not take...we cannot transform/heal creating our "own" program designed for our "unique" needs or fears. So, good for you, your commitment to you is awesome. Keep coming back and embrace the wisdom you have and the wisdom on this board. Here is a big hug for you(((hug)))

deacon · Senior Member

Oh my dear, I totally understand what you are going through. We're are coming up to our 40 year anniversary and the last few years have been very rough for me. Every day I grapple with leaving. My husband is not yet at the stage of your husband but I can see signs. He increasingly wants me to be with him every minute that we are home together. He wants to watch tv together even though he hates the shows I watch. That means he wants me to watch his sports and nature shows. He wants to talk to me when I am reading and gets offended when I don't respond as I am ignoring him. I cannot start a project of any kind without him wanting to 'help ' which means take over and do it the way he thinks it should be done. And, as he ages, he is becoming more and more argumentative and almost paranoid at times.

Al anon has really helped me set boundaries. It has helped me insist on my need for private time, for reflection time. Does he like that? Oh no but he is learning to respect my boundaries. He complains that I am his best friend and we should do all things together. He says I do not love him like I used to. He says that I make him feel unwanted in his own home. He piles on the guilt but I am standing firm- I need time alone and always have.

Why do I not leave him? Probably for the same reasons that you are still there. He was a good husband for many years, his health is deteriorating and he needs help, he would be lost on his own and I would feel such a huge amount of guilt. I know I will have to live with myself .

To me, your husband sounds as if he is in the early stages of dementia. He knows that he does not understand things, he knows that there is something wrong with his brain, he is holding tight to the one thing he has left and that is you. But you are going to burn out quickly if he does not get some help. Insist on a thorough physical for him and let the doctor know about your concerns before he goes. There may be help out there that you know nothing about. Our health care pays for a person to come in and stay with my friend's husband ( diagnosed with dementia) twice a week so she can get out on her own. She knew nothing about this until she asked for help. This time alone has been a godsend for her.

As for judging, let anyone walk in your shoes for a day before they dare.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My ex AH and I grew up together. Involved for more than 40 years. I can tell you we do not know how long the disease can abuse their bodies.

Though I cannot find mine at the moment...he is 62 and uses whatever. He is a stick, a mess, parasites off this older lady.

I understand the compassion you feel. Plus hon it is familiar to live with him. Does not make it good though! That is why horses run back into a burning barn!

Would you be able to move where he cannot find you? I have a vision of him pounding on your door, or doing some insane things to get your attention.

Ya see when we allow this behavior in our life, we are enabling them. Most A's do not want to be alone. They need that person to be their foundation, lost without that. Also they never have to learn how to take care of themselves. The disease loves this type of enabling.

Not saying leave, just a truth.

Myself I will not put up with it, I can still care, have compassion but not live with him. Thereby having this beautiful serenity, quiet, independense, home is really home. As I get older I appreciate not having the A hang onto me. I supported mine for a while after brain surgery. But when he took advantage, started using again I had him leave. Then I allowed him to come back a bit, leave again etc.i wanted to glean all I could of what was left of my dear friend and husband. But the damage from surgery, the meds, then the relapse got worse. I had to have him go. I never ever see him or talk to him.

Its a huge relief. He is not anything like the wonderful person I met then married many decades later.

From your share, I feel you have made your decision but are not ready to carry it out. I know for me, to sit down and write out what I want and options how to get there helps. I call that being proactive. i feel better, more in control of my life.

I would HATE my ex AH following me around. I was fortunate he was not like that.

It takes so much strength to live with an A's insanity. If we leave, or they do, I feel it gives them a chance to suffer consequences that may help them into a recovery plan.

great post. really open, honest. thank you for sharing your journey!

ssilver · Member

Thank you all for responding. It really helps to know others have been there. I know no one can tell me what to do, but I've considered your thoughts and, as Debilyn suggested, wrote out my thoughts - at least today's.

Everyday I face a choice of how or if to continue living with him. It's not a question of love, but how to manifest it. My options are to remain his only friend and caretaker, doing for him and providing company, no matter his mood. Or, move out, divorce him and leave him to his own defenses. I no longer can choose the first option. I won't justify, argue, defend or explain that now. And, I do not know if my soul can bear the guilt of the last resort. I'm not holding out for a happy ending. I fear his disease has progressed to the point of no return. I'm searching for something in between, hoping that such an option exists.

To put him in a paid assisted living arrangement seems unkind to me. His old self would rather die. To force sobriety on him is counterproductive. Perhaps I could find some in-home support for him. Someone to clean up daily, launder clothes and provide something nice to eat. Maybe get his meds out for him, help him dress and take him where he wants to go. I can probably manage bills and household maintenance from outside. But, I can no longer be there emotionally for him. I will not be by his side. I have realized that doing so only keeps him from getting the real help he needs to live.

What can I do in the interim? I can see my family for an extended visit, to give and get support and comfort. I can stay a while with my friend in town who would love my company.I can find a small studio apartment nearby so I can continue to discover and enjoy my own community. I can work more often, putting me out in my world gaining confidence and connection. I can travel, taking workshops on my own undeveloped passions. I can be still, meditate and rest in the love of my God.

What will I do in the interim? I'll choose life. I'll continue my own journey to discover, improve and love my own heart and the world around me. I'll continue to love him, only in a newer more positive manner. I'll pray for us both.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

There is more freedom in this post.....sounds like God stayed close.

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