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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> this describes my bio FOO to a TEE....THANK YOU MIP, I have progressed past this...
Post Info TOPIC: this describes my bio FOO to a TEE....THANK YOU MIP, I have progressed past this...
neshema2


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this describes my bio FOO to a TEE....THANK YOU MIP, I have progressed past this...
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n their book, Safe People, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend outline the personality and behavioural traits of both safe and unsafe people. Knowing the difference between them means that you can enter into relationships with people who are good for you and avoid those that arent. Without this kind of knowledge, it is very easy to become mislead by promises of future happiness, assurances of trust and faithfulness, and even a genuinely nice person who is simply struggling with their own issues. Just because someone is a nice person doesnt make them a good partner. Recognising the following traits of unsafe people will keep you and your relationships safe:

 Unsafe people do not like to admit their weaknesses. Being open and vulnerable is essential to a relationship. Sometimes people will try to hide their weaknesses by focusing on your weaknesses instead. Putting you down is an easy way to build themselves up. If you are the one with the problems, then they can feel superior.

 Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual. People join religious groups for many reasons, but if someone is clinging to it and its principles as a way of avoiding their own issues, they will never learn what they need to about themselves.

 Unsafe people are defensive. A self-assured person is always open to feedback, expressions of concern and even criticism, especially by people who love him. If you confront someone with your concerns and he gets upset or angry, he is not able to hear you and not willing to take responsibility for his actions.

 Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble. These people see themselves as above everyone else and refuse to see their own negative qualities, often by projecting their own flaws and insecurities onto others.

 Unsafe people apologise without changing their behaviour. A common pattern in unsafe relationships is expressions of regret and apologies and promises to change. But apologies and promises need to be followed by real behaviour modifications. Safe people will do so not because they feel they have to, but because they truly want to help themselves and the person they love.

 Unsafe people avoid facing their issues. It is far easier for an unsafe person to blame others for their problems than admit they have a problem or take steps to deal with those issues themselves. Furthermore, they treat others with a lack of empathy when they are upset, find fault in others, and often fail to forgive others for their mistakes.

 Unsafe people flatter you instead of talking to you. Someone who truly cares about you will share their concerns about you and will be honest with you. Someone who only tells you your good points is trying to keep you liking them.

 Unsafe people demand trust instead of earning it. Trust can only be built over time. It grows when we experience repeated and consistent caring behaviour. Unsafe people often believe that you should trust them right away and act hurt or defensive if you dont. But trust must be earned.

 Unsafe people lie. Everyone tells untruths sometimes, but unsafe people see deception as an effective way of dealing with problems. Safe people admit their deceitful side and work at being more honest.

 Unsafe people dont grow. We all have aspects of ourselves that need improvement or behaviours that inhibit our personal well-being and safe people try to learn and grow over time. Blaming others, responding defensively and failing to change inhibits personal growth and keeps a person at the same emotional level throughout life, without changing themselves either for their own benefit or anyone elses.

Any of these characteristics are a red flag, whether they appear in aromantic relationship, or with a friend, family member or co-worker. No one is perfect and change takes time. But if you notice that someone is resistant to hearing your concerns, becomes angry or defensive, blames you for their behaviour and does not show signs of wanting to change, you have to proceed with caution and perhaps find someone else who will be both a safe person and safe for you as well.

 

 



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PP


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This is interesting, thank you for posting!



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el-cee


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Neshema, ive been all of these things, these are or have been my defects. We are all made up of this to some degree or other. The person I have done the most damage to is me. I think the idea of us and them or others like they are a different species is denial. I mean, yes there are people who have severe personality or mental disorders that are harmful but surely these people are in the minority. Most of us are living with typical addiction issues. Alcoholics are unsafe people but only if we tolerate intolerable behaviour. The bad behaviour of the alcoholic that can be violent, abusive, manipulative controlling etc are human behaviours, and we are all human, thats why we try to work on compassion and forgiveness. Having compassion and forgiveness for the very people who have hurt us is good for us, its less about doing them any favours, its about us moving past the bad memories, the lists of injuries they have done to us, building our strength through looking within, we can release the hurt and become free, with alanon anyway. I think to demonise the a, make them seem different, less than human, evil or powerful etc helps keep us in the dark, in fear. Ive been scared of people too long, I refuse to live like there are bogeymen out to get me any longer. Thanks for sharing this it is thought provoking.x



-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 17th of May 2014 01:24:40 PM

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grateful2be


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I appreciate reading this perspective on safe and unsafe people, Rose. Thank you for the share.

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SunshineGirl


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Thank you for sharing this. I found it helpful to read and think about.



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neshema2


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el-cee wrote:

Neshema, ive been all of these things, these are or have been my defects. We are all made up of this to some degree or other. The person I have done the most damage to is me. I think the idea of us and them or others like they are a different species is denial. I mean, yes there are people who have severe personality or mental disorders that are harmful but surely these people are in the minority. Most of us are living with typical addiction issues. Alcoholics are unsafe people but only if we tolerate intolerable behaviour. The bad behaviour of the alcoholic that can be violent, abusive, manipulative controlling etc are human behaviours, and we are all human, thats why we try to work on compassion and forgiveness. Having compassion and forgiveness for the very people who have hurt us is good for us, its less about doing them any favours, its about us moving past the bad memories, the lists of injuries they have done to us, building our strength through looking within, we can release the hurt and become free, with alanon anyway. I think to demonise the a, make them seem different, less than human, evil or powerful etc helps keep us in the dark, in fear. Ive been scared of people too long, I refuse to live like there are bogeymen out to get me any longer. Thanks for sharing this it is thought provoking.x



-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 17th of May 2014 01:24:40 PM

 Oh el-cee, I can sooo relate to  "this used to be me"  I can see a LOT of what was me b4 recovery, when I only knew survival......this am, i told my baby brother that i forgave our sister, but we are like oil and water....not a match....i have grown and moved on in recovery, she refuses to change any of the above....I was a lot of the above, but i did not want to be any of the above listed traits, so I owned them...accepted them.....prayed and worked my butt off to change....I WANTED to change....I thirsted to be a better person.....I was not happy being the way i was...a phoney, controller, people pleaser, selling me out to not be abandoned...most of the damage I did was to me,  i was never violent or dangerous, but a people pleasing little phoney who hated herself and rejected herself,  so i acted as if i was someone else...someone whom i looked up to or someone who was not damaged like me....oh yea,  i don't let the bad memories haunt me anymore...........

I promote what I love....I do NOT waste energy bashing what I don't love...i just remove me from it



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el-cee


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I can relate to how you felt, I think when you are surviving a dysfunctional family then these traits are survival techniques as well as learned behaviours. It is freeing to be able to see these defects and have a way to deal with them. We are the lucky ones. I think when I look at my son and I can see his isms alive and kicking, his behaviour reflects these isms and I feel for him because to be like that is not comfortable, its confusing and miserable, full of guilt. He may get recovery in the future or he may not. I can't remove myself from his life. I can't live with him but I can't go without seeing him or speaking to him. Its different when its your child though. Thanks Neshema, your recovery is really admirable.x

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neshema2


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el-cee wrote:

I can relate to how you felt, I think when you are surviving a dysfunctional family then these traits are survival techniques as well as learned behaviours. It is freeing to be able to see these defects and have a way to deal with them. We are the lucky ones. I think when I look at my son and I can see his isms alive and kicking, his behaviour reflects these isms and I feel for him because to be like that is not comfortable, its confusing and miserable, full of guilt. He may get recovery in the future or he may not. I can't remove myself from his life. I can't live with him but I can't go without seeing him or speaking to him. Its different when its your child though. Thanks Neshema, your recovery is really admirable.x

 oh yea, its SAD to see them stay in the same dark hole as i move on...yea, i am blessed to have MIP and my fellow alanoners,codies,aca'rs...oh yea, and my family of choice is great.....I had a talk w/daughter #2 this am....we are gonna have water melon together  MAYBE, lol...I just have zero expectations of this girl who needs recovery, but is NOT a bad soul...just aca from her dad's drinking and he still is drinking...yet he gets her love, i get the abuse.....i just set firm boundaries on how close and how much contact i can handle w/her...i love my baby grandson b/c i helped him come into this world so i will keep her at arms length with love and compassion and I am gonna enjoy my baby boy.....and thank YOU el-cee, my friend across the big pond....LOVE your thoughts xxoo



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Breakingfree


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Wow, this was great to read, Thanks! Sending you love and support!

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Katy


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Good morning Neshama,

I really enjoyed reading this, straight the way personalities I have difficulty with came to my mind, people I struggle to get along with, I often think hurt people hurt people don't they? perhaps sometimes I am the giver or  the receiver of such behaviours too, I only know which person I would prefer to work towards, just knowing it is only the half of it.

regards

Katy

  x

 



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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> this describes my bio FOO to a TEE....THANK YOU MIP, I have progressed past this...