2 weeks feels like 2 years. - Al-Anon Family Group

slogan_jim · Senior Member

2 weeks feels like 2 years.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Jim, what are your choices today? Do you have to be back with him or are there other options for you? My A dad married an alcoholic and I remember thinking that they were perfect for each other when I first met her. Just as drunk and just as drenched in cigarette smoke. Their marriage worked out great and it kept my dad out of my hair because he was preoccupied with her.

Take care of you! Sending you hugs and support today!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, SJ: I can relate to feeling drained. It helps me to notice whether or not I am expecting something from my loved one that they can't give or giving more than I truly want to give. I can't change other people but I can change my expectations and/or my choices as to what I'm truly willing to give and what I'm not willing to give in any situation. As my Dad aged, he started displaying behaviors that simply weren't in line with how I remembered him or with my own values. His dementia could be draining because he tended to ask me the same questions over and over again within a span of 10 to 15 minutes - "Do you want a piece of candy?"(He was diabetic and shouldn't have been eating any and kept finding it somehow). No, thank you, Dad. He also had gfs that came in and out of his life and mine so rapidly I couldn't keep up with their names and often didn't even know how many existed.(This from a man who was monogamous for many, many years and a gentleman with an ethical/moral code that didn't believe in introducing women to a family unless a person was serious about the "beloved.") I'd schedule time to drive 2.5 to 3.0 hrs to spend time with him and take him places and would arrive to him being gone even though I had called him two hours earlier or on my cellphone on the way. He'd forget I was coming and then blame me for not calling him more often than I did to remind him I would be there and at what time.

The only way I could keep my bearings in relationship to him and the mental changes of a dying brain was to remind myself I wasn't in charge of my Dad's choices, my intention to spend time with my Dad didn't necessarily mean I'd get to do that and so I created a plan B which could include turning right around and going right back home, doing something else near his assisted living facility, or renting a motel room so I'd have two days to meet him rather than one, or calling the nursing station to let them know I was coming and they'd make sure he was cleaned up and ready to go by the time I arrived to take him to lunch or for a ride. I also chose to answer the same question over and over again because to him everything was happening in the now sometimes and there was no point in getting upset if it made him happy to offer me a piece of candy or a diet coke which was his normal generous nature x 20 in an hour to me - the moment to him.

Your Dad offered you a place to stay for free so you could save money, SJ. You accepted that offer. This time with him will pass and you will be living in your new place soon. Fortunately, you had a plan B in place, so if this doesn't work out for him or for you, you can still purchase a new home in the very near future although it might get to the point for you where you employ Plan B and spend a little more than you can save?

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember when I kept thinking I could be around my messed-up addict because my recovery skills had gotten a lot better (which they had). But the chaos of addicts is pretty strong. If only we could harness it to destabilize nations and overthrow dictators, we'd rule the world. (Well, it overthrows dictators on its own -- but not to anyone else's benefit.) When I went back, my wise counselor said, "Well, some people just have to keep touching the stove to see if it's hot."

But remember that you do have choices! If you choose to stay, it's not because you're a kid and stuck -- you're a grown-up and deciding what's best to do for your present and your future. I know how being back with parents can make us all feel like kids again, and not in a good way. But you're not a kid, so I hope you can remember your power. And if/when it gets too much, you have many choices. Take strong care of yourself!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I stayed with my Mom a couple Summer's ago on a vacation with my girls and we stayed with her for 2 weeks and well I learned I am not cut out to spend too much time in her home, because her boyfriend and her are addicts and it just isn't worth it to me. I had to experience it to know and thought because I had al-anon I could pull it off, but I could not. You always have choices and options and staying and detaching is one of them, if you can do it. I could not and will stay elsewhere when I decide I am ready to go back home for a visit. Life is full of these learning lessons and at least with al-anon we have tools now to handle these situations. Sending you love and support!

RoseODAT · Senior Member

Hi SJ,
It's not easy living with others, even in sobriety.....even if they are "normal".
Hang in there and let it begin with you.
It all comes down to our character, self-assurance, and healthy boundaries.
(FYI I feel like I need to follow my own advice too)

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