Unrealistic expectations, grim forecast - Al-Anon Family Group

astallaslions · Veteran Member

Unrealistic expectations, grim forecast

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi astallaslions

We want so bad for our love ones to act right, do what we want them to do, think the way we think and get well. I'm thinking about my son in jail and if he's thinking about what is going to happen if he doesn't stop. Is he going to do the right thing when he gets out of jail. Will he change his life. Me doing this just gives me more anger, worry, fear and resentments to the point I can't take care of myself anymore. This has got to stop.

May 15th reminder in ODAT

I will, today and from now on, examine my own role in all my confusion and despair. If I do this honestly, I will come to realize that I am not blameless, that there is much to be changed in me.

" How can he think the way I think,
Or do just what I'd do?
( I will remember, day by day, My love, that I'm not you)"

Take care....

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Saying what you mean, meaning what you say and not saying it mean is a program slogan that you applied in sharing yourself honestly with your loved one. Allowing the chips to fall as they did isn't easy and you did it. Recognizing you are powerless over him and his disease and right now maybe even your hopes that some day he'll stop drinking and start recovering seem to me to be some good program work? Recovery is a process and you are making progress from what I read in this share. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, you are moving slowly from wanting him to make changes to recognizing you can make changes one day at a time. Keep coming back.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

This recovery journey we are on has peaks and valleys. At times things can seem okay even easy for a time, but it doesn't last forever, well not without some major denial at least for me it didn't. But for me that was my awareness slowly taking things in as I was ready and over time it was for the better that I learned what it was that was really bothering me. Then I could learn what I needed to do to feel better within to resolve whatever the problem was. These things take time and loving any of my A's has never been easy for me. Reading "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was helpful for me as was "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. The more I read and worked on my own self care the better I felt about my life. Sending you much love and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

HI, it sounds like you are beginning to come out of denial big time. You are in fear, facing the true reality of a relationship with an addict. It's hard, very hard.

We see our dreams are not going to happen, and we cannot make them happen if they include the A. Some come to realize they know they cannot and will not have a child with an A. That is almost always a nightmare.

We learn that this disease is incurable, that they over time are getting worse and worse as the drug whatever it is, is destroying the person we loves organs, heart, brain, veins, liver... allalll of it.

Even when they are sober a day or two, they aren't. Their bodies are ridden with the affects of the abuse of the drug. It kills cells, destroys the organs ability to work. Their brain is always compromised. always. Its damaged.

Plus we know that the drug they use is only a symptom. They are liars, manipulators, dishonest,selfish, they do not think like a non A and we do not think like an A. So when we ask why don't they.....they would not think like that in the first place.

You are right, they can never or rarely ever be there for us. I wish it was taught in school, the difference in non and A's.

Does not mean they cannot be fantastic people either, some of our greatest and most loved people actors, doctors, lawyers, teachers, are or were A's. But can we live with one? Most cannot happily.

I did go to meetings here, but only a few f2f. It was the situation or i would have. The ones around here have kids with them and I could not talk with them listening.

You may want to try the ones here.

Please keep coming and sharing. It does help to get it out to others who understand.

I very much loved my husband. Worked so hard using my skills from mip. I was pretty happy. But I compromised and made my life so it was ok with him. I mean no more weekend going somewhere. We were home on our 5 acres puttering, was fun. If he drank and was a jerk I learned to say well gnite or I am going to go read, whatever. For me the man I wanted to be around was not there so i busied myself at something else.

but it was his personality that I could do that. He didn't follow me around like some A's do. ugh.

So you can learn to stop the negative stuff in your head and accept the way things are, and how you can live with that. Or you can leave it the same, or leave the situation or have him leave.

There is no reason you cannot glean this time you have with him and make it as pleasant as possible. I loved my xah so very much since i was 17!! So I was his friend first. I could be satisfied with just being more like friends. Holding hands watchen tv or building on sanctuary piggy houses, working on our pretty place.

but for me hone, he got violent from the brain surgery, became no one I knew. He was dangerous for me to live with so he left.

but I am glad I used my skills and had him all the precious time I could.

sigh, he played and sang music, was so funny, gentle to animals and me, got me gifts, brought me neat things, worked hard as a remodel contractor. I wanted for nothing!

hugs keep coming!!!

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

You may be struggling with the philosophy due to your aversion to meetings. This forum is little snap shots of alanon. Most posts and replys are written by people who attend meetings, im not sure you can learn it without meetings, it wasnt really designed that way in my opinion. There is probably a lot of learning to do about yourself in that one statement that meetings are not for you. Are you ashamed or in denial, do you feel different to the other members and that your problem is unique? I would look deep in and see what is really stopping you and that is most likely the very reason you should go. Thanks for sharing.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I think that what you said to your partner was honest and ultimately kind. It shows that you would like to share life with him. It might be the most useful thing to say under the circumstances.

I struggle with moving forward just for me - but I think that it is what I need to do for now and I'm learning to enjoy it. It does not mean that I have to leave, just to do what is right for me at this moment. AH's life is his and I'm learning to respect that. When he is ready to share I will listen if he wants to but I'm not on hold so much any more. Baby steps!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.