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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I can't "rush" his progress, but I am tired of waiting
Post Info TOPIC: I can't "rush" his progress, but I am tired of waiting
sadsusie


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I can't "rush" his progress, but I am tired of waiting
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My AH relapsed yet again. He is full of guilt and regret and is in that hamster wheel of trying to make up for his mistakes through "achievements". I suggested to him that He is chasing his tail. He has yet to go to a meeting. He likes to think that he is too complicated and different from everyone else (too smart, too talented, to successful - all that baloney).

Each and every day I think to myself how much I prefer to be without him. I prefer to leave the house when he is home, and when i get home I am relieved (happy actually) that he is not there. He is not particularly in my way, but he does get on my nerves. 

I told him that even when he doesn't drink he is not "better". Lately he can't do anything for himself. OR I should say won't. Would you do this for me, would you do that for me, even things so simple as he wants me to post things on craigslist. Meanwhile, I am emptying the dishwasher, making myself breakfast and lunch, thinking about the 20 things I want to accomplish for the day and who I have a meeting scheduled with and at what time. I can't barely even get him to take the trash to the outside trash can. I certainly can't get  him to bathe! God forbid he showered once in a while. 

I have started to diversify my business /store and this week (ongoing) I have lots of plans, and meetings. None of which he is particularly excited about. It's my "job" as a husband to keep you "safe". I used to believe that I was not worthy of having friends, therefore I didn't. Literally. I was friendly with my customers and enjoyed them (they saved my moral for sure) But that was it. I now have the opportunity to socialize and I am really sure that THAT is the person I AM. I am trying to be comfortable with it because I have been brainwashed to think that I am "breaking the rules" so to speak. 

I am more and more and more tempted to just say goodbye. As I write this, perhaps I want to say goodbye because it is too much of a mental struggle to follow my heart and be the person that I AM - a social outgoing person.

It helps that I have come this far and have this program as a backbone. I am finding that I can more easily decide to do what *I* want to do, rather than what *he* wants. And when it comes down to it - it is HIS choice how he wants to handle that. He can either get on board or get off the bus. If it is his "culture" to behave the way he does, that is HIS problem and he is going to have to find some way to move past it. Or I suppose not move past it and continue to drink to hide dealing with this all. But I am over it. I have my own crap to deal with. His crap is just that - HIS. If he has a problem we can either work it out with a counselor (not that we have been to one) or we are at an impasse. I am very respectful of communicating with him and visa versa so There are no games going on. 

I know that I can't rush his recovery or make him choose  to really take a good look at himself in the mirror. It is painful and difficult. But I can't sit around and wait for HIM to get better. I need to start living my life YESTERDAY. I have already lost so much of it. 

Thanks for letting me post - It always helps me clear my thoughts. Love you all!



-- Edited by sadsusie on Thursday 15th of May 2014 09:35:29 AM

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ilovedogs


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I love your share! You are moving on with your own life, looking for opportunities outside the marriage to fulfill you, and that is key to recovery. His recovery is just that: his. I feel the same way about my AH: I don't want to be in the same house with him most of the time mainly because he gets on my nerves or I am afraid of a 'conversation' with him where I know he'll try to push my buttons. Sending you lots of support and hugs today! Keep coming back!

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deacon


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You sound as if you have come a very long way in your recovery from being an enabler. It is such a big step to start doing what you want and need. That is what this program has done for me also. Taught me that I have self worth and that I really cannot change anyone but myself. And was THAT a big realization for a woman who thought if she just tried hard enough, she could turn the alcoholics in her life around and get them on the path to recovery. Kind of humbling but also what a relief to know we are only in charge of ourselves. Keep walking the path that is right for you, he will have to find his own way.

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PP


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(((SS)))  It was when I stopped declaring I was done and got quiet and humble in my recovery, that I knew I was really done.  I took quiet, firm action without any prior notice to anyone.  The anger was burning me up, yet I had respect for my husbands choices.  There was less inventory taking of him, less shaming of either one of us, less martyrdom on my part...it slowly slipped away and my next step was crystal clear.  I wanted a different life and I was willing to do whatever it took to get it....I kept being reminded to keep the focus on me, my self care, my wants, my desires.  I freed both of us.  I had an epiphany that I was keeping both of us hostage (I actually saw a dungeon with us behind bars).  It was arrogant of me to see him as a lesser human with all of my complaints...despite his addictions, he was/is a gentle human being who deserved my respect, not my complaints.  Keep doing your recovery work...big hug.



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Paula
Debilyn


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Perfect, I agree and support  you! He may NEVER get into recovery. Waiting is insanity.

Yes live YOUR life, do what you have to do. He needs to feel the push to help himself to survive. Let him be homeless, jobless. We do them no favors babysitting.

I am proud of you. ONE day at a time, glad you vented. Keeping you in my prayers!



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Raven Juniper


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RE: I can't
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(((SS))) thank you so much for this share! You are so inspiring!

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tiredtonite


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RE: I can't "rush" his progress, but I am tired of waiting
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There's no doubt that one of you is recovering and it isn't him.  Good for you that you are beginning to take your recovery on the road and get to know more people and live fully.  You're right.. we lose so much time when we're not focused on our own life.  He's going to learn his lessons in his own time until then it's nice to hear you're not interested in babysitting him.  I hope he comes to the realization that he isn't unique and recovers.  Glad you're choosing to keep your serenity and enjoy your life.  Thanks for sharing your recovery.  TT



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grateful2be


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Powerful share here! Thanks for it!

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KennyFenderjazz


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as You get further in your recovery he might just get the motivation he needs to actually do his own. It may be negative reinforcement from yow leaving him but he will at least keep experiencing the consequences of his actions!

Kenny

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Breakingfree


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Wow, you are working your recovery program and I really hear you working through the 3 A's here. Awareness, acceptance and action. Awesome post and great ESH. Sending you love and support on your journey!

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