Please help. I feel my husband is a alcoholic. - Al-Anon Family Group

Somesay4 · Newbie

Please help. I feel my husband is a alcoholic.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Somesay: Welcome to MIP. First thing - your feelings are never right or wrong. If you feel annoyed, you do. I can certainly understand it based on what you've written here. Whether or not he is an alcoholic is really up to him to determine. What I do see in your post is that you are troubled by his excessive drinking and you've come to the right place. You are very aware that the amount and the way your husband drinks isn't occasional and it isn't "social." Although you are powerless over his drinking habits, him and his friends, you can get support for yourself in Al-Anon - the program for friends and family members who are troubled by a loved one's drinking. At these meetings, you will hear stories of others like you who understand the anger and frustration of living with someone who drinks to excess. You can also learn what I have discovered - that I can live a fairly sane and serene life whether or not my loved one drinks by working the steps of the program, applying the slogans and having the support of others who have hit a wall with a loved one who is controlled by the compulsion to drink. MIP is also a very good place to start the process of healing from the affects of living with someone under the influence of alcohol and gain support.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 13th of May 2014 09:51:22 PM

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

The lies and the manipulation is all part of the problem. I wish you the best and please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Somesay4 · Newbie

Thank you. I just constantly worry. He is 41, 50 lbs overweight , eats bad, and won't exercise. He sits at work and then at home gaming. He is on BP meds and gets out of breath easily. He smoked for years but doesn't anymore. His blood tests are pretty much normal except for low HDL which I know contributes to heart disease. Can he really live past 50? I know some people can drink for years and years and live until 90 and others not.

-- Edited by Somesay4 on Tuesday 13th of May 2014 10:14:32 PM

Sunrise · Member

Somesay4,
I agree with grateful2be - it doesn't matter whether he is an alcoholic or not. Al-anon is for anyone who is troubled by someone else's drinking, so you are in the right place!
I understand your worries about his health. I've had those thoughts about my husband too, but thankfully, I've been able to hand that worry over to God. It sounds uncaring, but right now, with regard to health concerns anyway (I certainly have other areas I'm working on!!!), I'm at a place where I have faith that God will take care of me if my husband is alive, and God will take care of me if my husband suddenly needs major medical care, and God will take care of me if my husband dies.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Somesay and welcome to the board. You are in the right place to learn a lot. The fellowship here have all been where you are at now including being newbies. I didn't know about alcoholism and didn't even know that I didn't know when I first got into Al-Anon. I thought I needed to change my alcoholic/addict wife and was supported in changing myself. I didn't respond or react well to the disease in our family because I didn't have an idea how to do it. Alcoholism was usual for me because I was born and raised within it. It was normal and I didn't know it was alcoholism. Your husband is going to drink and act the way he does and has been doing...question now is what are you going to do. The Al-Anon suggestion is what I got and what worked for me. Look for the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and call to find out where and when we get together in your area. Keep coming back here also. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP.

We sure do relate and understand. I am sad you are going through this turmoil. Unfortunately it is the exact same story for many of us.

My husband is 62. He would take 60 vicodan in three days. He has been zapped back alive from oding on heroin. And more! No we have no idea how much their poor bodies can take. This disease will take everything away. Their job, right to drive, family, home etc.

Dear one the thing is, it is their disease, their problem 100%. They have a right to be who they are and do what they are going to do.

We have no control over this at all. None. Of course we wish we did, and we try. But never can we affect their disease except to make it easier for them to use.

Al anon teaches us to look at our own lives. We can only control ourselves. Of course we say yes but his disease is ruining my life! He is my wife, husband,daughter, sibling etc. Does not matter. We have these choices;

Stay and use Al Anon skills to get through the best we can.Learn to detach from the disease, learn to not take it personal as it is not.

Stay and keep it the same.

Or leave them or have them leave.

A disease is a group of symptoms. Ok an addict, lies, manipulates, is self centered, believes their own lies too, use a substance to change their reality to abuse, and more. They honestly believe in their sick brain they are not drunk, though are barely able to walk.

The disease does not want to be alone so will lie and manipulate to keep us there. Its insanity, there is no rationalizing it. NO use to talk to them when they make no sense.

This disease gets worse and worse. They may say they want to stop, and really mean it. But they can't, especially cannot alone. If they just don't drink, its called stark raving sober, white knuckling. They need AA to develop a program how to live and be the best they can be.

I invite you to look at YOUR needs and wants. Then set goals how to attain them. Al Anon is a great place to go for understanding. At the end of my post here there is a number to call to find meetings in your area. We also have meetings here in the chat room.

Getting Them Sober is a good book to start with. It is an Al Anon Bible for me. Teaches us so much and is easy to read. You will want volume one. You can order it used on Amazon.

I hope you will keep coming.We are always here to listen and support you. I have been here sooo many years, it has saved me so many times. These are very special people, we really do care! again welcome! Debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.