obsessive compulsive alanoner - Al-Anon Family Group

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

obsessive compulsive alanoner

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Good insights here, el cee. I, too, used to be in a hurry to learn all I could about all sorts of things - especially after I was married. Later I realized my need to be perfect was the driving force behind that hurry up and heal thing. I didn't want to make mistakes with my kids, my job, my life. Haaaaaaaa. Come to find out that no matter how many classes, workshops or courses I studied, reading I did, gurus I hung out with, programs I applied - I was still prone to error and I'm still prone to error.

I think it is a healthy thing to notice that although it is a good thing you can pick things up quickly that asset can also work against you. Staying in the day refusing to push or force or project - good powerful stuff. Thanks for that share, el cee.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I would say I have the same tenacity in most things as well. However, I know I don't need to be perfect. I am okay making errors. I think the deep underlying need has stemmed from a need to role model healthy behavior. Just growing and letting go.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I think my actual weakness was letting go of things that no longer served me. Thanks El-cee for the ESH. That was a great share. (((Hugs))) to you.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Your articulation on this post is powerful. I am also a tireless learner, and, like grateful, have noticed that at the root of some of my behaviors was perfectionism. Perfectionism is shame based, so as the shame dissipated, so did the perfectionism. Way to go elcee!

sunshine23 · Veteran Member

Funny that what you wrote is also me to a T. When I want something done, I do it my way ASAP. Once when I was complaining to a pal about my AH not helping with chores, she insightfully told me marriage is a dance. If you are always the one who cannot wait, you will always be the one to clean up the mess. If you are the one always complaining about imperfection, you will be the one tiring yourself out pursuing this perfection. So from then on, I separated my AH dirty laundry and bank account. That was the first disease episode. Now I have to condition myself to this routine again.

Sunrise · Member

I totally hear you, el-cee. I want to work the al-anon program NOW as well. It's because I want to feel better NOW. But I keep hearing how it is a process, and "we were all where you are" from people who seem to be at peace now. So...I'm trying to work on patience, and today really started trying to say "this is what IS" instead of "this is not how it's supposed to be." From the acceptance of "this is what is", I'm hoping to make my decisions and actions instead of from my former place of resenting that "this is not how it's supposed to be."

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((el-cee)))) ...Our program is more a do program than a think program though I understand the urgency to "get it". I had that until one of my lessons became "You didn't get here over night and you won't get it all over night either". I'm an analyzer and a "rational" thinker. That one made sense so I learned to slow down and after a while learned to love the journey. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

HUGE progress!! That is a great, honest self realization! thank you thank you for sharing this.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Thanks for these reminders of where I can go if I allow fear of (a number of things) to become my hp. It's been a long road to showing up just as I am with all my imperfections and staying present with them on full view to the world. Most times thankfully I'm grounded but it's taken a number of years to develop trust and acceptance of myself as I am and to stop trying to prove myself acceptable. Surrendering my life and will daily helps with keeping humility (some days I get there others I don't) but a power greater than myself continues to take care and love me daily without condition. It's the purest love. I'm shown that I'm good enough as I am and always have been. The accolades of other people are a just a perk if I happen to get them. I no longer try to earn them. I'm ok when I let hp do the leading. Thanks for your honest share about your recovery process. (((hugs))) TT

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Ive come to see that my approach to things is too full on, its fear based and its about control. I want change and I want it now. People tell me its all a process and it takes time but I dont want it to come to me I want to force it all now. One day at a time is a good slogan for me and my sponsor keeps saying it to me so she has picked up on this rush that im in. My progress has been amazing to me and quick but theres a superficial side to it because with each step ive taken im right on to the next one so in a way im not taking the time to soak it in. I need to stay in the day, just this day, not rushing ahead and waiting for the next recovery reward, pushing and forcing it at the expense of everything else in life.x

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OMG, I can so relate to this....I want my relief NOW, waited long enough....i used to think it was instant gratification, thingy, but for me it is like "hey I missed enough life...I want it NOW...I want things made up to me NOW"

but if i were to receive all my good, all at once, I may not be able to handle the experience overload so i have to, got no choice to settle for inching along, progress sometimes slow, and yea, i am obsessive too and it is out of fear/need to control so i am less afraid....round and round I got sometimes.....

hang in there el-cee you are not alone and i totally relate to you

sunshine23 · Veteran Member

Just yesterday was bad for me. I miss my AH a lot and was going to settle for anything just to have this instant gratification of having someone with me. Today I feel totally opposite, not wanting to turn back. I think I am addicted to my AH! When I practice the not today, I wake up from my addiction. I even cannot comprehend what I miss about him. One day at a time is all I can handle.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so relate and want to rush and get better with an A plus. With al-anon I have discovered I get there in HP's timing and not a moment sooner. I am not perfect and I accept that too now. So many things you said resonate with me and this post is a great reminder that we have to let time take time and get out of our heads and live in this messy life not perfectly, but live it as serenely as we can. So glad for you here at MIP! Sending you love and support on your journey!

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I never actually thought of it as being a perfectionist. It is though, its about giving my self a hard time when I get it wrong or its not quite right. Anything I have acheived, ive never celebrated. I know that sounds nuts, which of course it is but Ive always known that ive acheived things through an unhealthy motive, like obsessing or avoiding realities. Ive never thought my motives have been right either. Even my successes have not been good enough in my mind. I remember when my mum was alive and I got into university, she took the whole family out for dinner to celebrate and made a big fuss and I was so detached from it, I actually thought she had cracked up. I never felt a sense of achievement. Ive never been good enough for me. Ive learned a lot from your feedback, lots to think about.x

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Elcee, a few months ago I wrote on my hand in marker, "I'm Imperfect and I'm Enough" and took a picture of me smiling with my hand outstretched...when I slip into old patterns, I can look at my picture. Now, when I do things like maybe forgetting to flush a toilet when I am someone else's home, I can chuckle and say "oh well". It also gives others the freedom to be themselves around me....it makes for more authentic relationships. I love witnessing your transformation smile

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

el_cee you describe me down to a tee, oh my, the driving test both my bike and car, I failed both first time, as I was a complete and utter nervous wreck, it wasn't so much I couldn't do it, I had obsessed so much before hand no sleep and just total mind spinning of what I would be doing after I passed, come the day I just went to peices, on my bike test I forgot even how to switch the bike on, the aftermath was total melt down because I had worked myself up into such a freindzie, it had nothing todo with my ability to drive, I had just scrambled my own brains, the thing with my bike test though, well most things really I need to see it to learn it, so I asked if I could ride behind the instructor for a few weeks before hand until I felt I could do it, he said but? how will you know? I said well when I think I have got it I will tell you and then you can have me go in front and put me right if I am going wrong, he said he had never had anyone do this before I said sorry but reading things doesn't go into my head I have to watch to learn, he siad ok then, and it worked for me.

On a serious note though when I failed both times I really was distraught it meant so much to me to have failed something I knew I was more than capable of, and I knew my own self doubt and crazy obsessing had got in the way, because once I had failed the tests and I knew what to expect it was so very easy really I knew I had created my own anxiety, and really this is the story of my life, I am either high or low, it's the middle bit I need to sort out, the balance, I have thought about this a lot lately about being taught that failure is progress and we learn more by our mistakes and it is NORMAL, to feel sad and disapointed but my goodness I do take things way too personally I know I do, and I suspect this is the reason behind my feeling chewed up alot of the time, some people are worse than me and when I am near them it makes me worse, and then there are people that just arn't like that at all oh I just like being around and with them, the ones like my best friend, who can still smile and have a good day when someone crashes into her car and drives off, someone that recognises that they may have over stepped the mark and says sorry, even when it's probably not thier fault but they have the sense to know that by being humble it helps both sides, love that.

love

Katy

x

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