I attended Al-anon 11 years ago during the first outbreak of the disease. It was affecting my AH directly but sickening my children, my family and myself. From it I came to realization it is not me, nothing I can do except to seek help from my HP for healing. I was at the point of fearing violence from him. I moved out and after a few months, he agreed to give the house back  to me and the kids. He stumbled along, finally stopped allowing the disease to control him. Having given up on him, I stopped attending Al-anon and buried my hurt. He was sober for 1 year before I allowed him back to the house.

We were ok for 3+ years but it was not really ok. I did not deal with my hurt, he did not deal with the issues. The disease came back swift and furious. Through great blessings, we were relocated by his company to somewhere closer to my family. The sickness of being an AH spouse haunted me. Why did he choose A vs. me? Does he love the A more? I was always tired and making excuses for not spending time with him. The kids grew fearful of him. Verbal abuses became a norm and the "I do not remember" infuriate me. READ your texts, idiot! Am I suppose to just forgive you and have sex with you? As a woman, I cannot have sex with a man that is no longer my soul mate. We were in a vicious cycle. Do they really not remember or are using this as a manipulation tools to escape from the consequences?

Last week, he threatened violence on his way home. My sister insisted I leave the house. I did. He texted and called for 3 hours and I did not pick up. Upon getting home, I locked the bedroom door with my kids. He banged so hard on the door that the kids were freaked out. I opened the door, he saw the fear in their faces, the result of his actions. He turned and left behind "I will move out". 

However, before this incidence, I have already made plans to move. 3 days later, we were out of the house we called home during the last 3 years. We left him 3 intervention letters that stated facts and how he used to be a good husband and dad. My little one was very sweet "I love you and you were fun when you were not drinking. Now you are smelly and scary". He went into rage when he found out we were gone. Threats of hunting me down, knowing where I work, blaming me, using his money (we earn equal amount!), my family being rich ... Through the help of my HP and my pastor, I held my peace. Ignored the texts for days except to say "we will talk when you calm down". Then he was silent for days. 

Today he emailed to say he missed us but towards the end he wrote that he is getting angry and resentful again. I emailed him back, again reminding him of the events leading up to this. Not sure what he will say. 

My fear now is I will let it slide again and accept him back. I am planning to attend Al-Anon again for support. Sometimes it is very hard to talk to my family because they do not fully understand my struggles. One camp feels that I am making a big fuss out of nothing. The other wants me to sign on the dotted lines. However, they have been very supportive of me. Without them, I would have been in depression long time ago. 

I am so glad I found this site. I will be back daily to remind myself that I am not in this alone and I cannot make impulsive decisions as it will mean a win for the disease.

Have a blessed day. 

M