sometimes I am suck back into the should have/could have/would have -thinking. It's not a good place to put myself into. That's why I can only say, it's super important in recovery to write a journal, write down the facts. It will help in moments like those, when we are confused, or got our views distorted. There has usually been a reason why we did this or that, or we reacted to something in the merry-go-round, that we forgot today, or the A managed to put in oblivion. His self-righteous, entitling, grandiose behavior gets me doubting at times that's when I have to detach even more and leave the past in the past. and be with myself. It's amazing the power they can still have over us, even when away from us. It has become a habit I guess. And I am still at times more intensly under the co-dependent spell but also improving my new skills. Trying to make them a new habit, and come back to my positive thinking. the thing is, i realize i have hurt him too, and I'm not proud of myself and I'm sorry, and I can't change it, and I have to forgive myselfand him. There was so much confusion at the time, and he just was not around when I really needed himafterwards he claimed that he was also that he would have, should have..but fact is, he wasn't, then, in the moment. He was busy being a self-centered anxious person who scared me a lot. Maybe he also didn't know how to express his feelingsfact is he expressed the wrong things in front of me, what he did and what he said and what he thought were definitely not in harmony. And I was left confused. and aloneand that would have been ok, if only there hadn't been the baby, which should have been both our business. also, my magical thinking got in the way.

I have to write this down and let go and also would like to hear some feedback from some of you too, if you have experienced things and feelings similarly, in retrospective.