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My son's birthday is this week and he wanted to go to the movies today. We had actually planned to take him for months when he found out about that the new Spiderman was being released close to his b'day. I had told my son that he could invited a couple of friends along but he replied no I wants us 4 (me, him, his brother, and his dad) to go. So all week we have looked forward to a day out with just us. Also, being this is Mother's day weekend too we kinda made it a big deal and decided to spend the day out all together. Oh, my so is turning 14 so I knew there would not be many more times when he would deny friends to spend the day with us. :)
So as this afternoon comes, we start getting ready to leave for the show and out to dinner. My A calmly begins to have his first beer of the day and made hints about him not going. I was mad because we had plans and he promised to stay sober but I did not engage in an argument. He later made a comment that he would in fact go but "just not drink during the movie." Imagine that an alcoholic able to shut off the drinking just like that. I then replied back that the movie is over 2 hours long but, I wanted to scream YOU SELFISH IDIOT. He sat on the couch while we got ready and I knew at that point he was not going. About 20 minutes later he said "(son) told me he did not care if I went or not, so I am going to sit this one out."
Now to the point of my post. The kids and I went on with our plans alone. On the way to the movies I asked my birthday boy was he okay. His reply was "yes, I knew that this would probably happen." I asked him then why did he tell his dad that he did not care if he stayed and he, my teenager, told me that daddy can make his own choices and we can still have fun. So we did not speak of it the rest of the evening. My son showed me first hand what outlook to have. I am sure it still bothered him and that hurts me deeply. I can no longer protect my children and make up excuses for AH absences in events as they are old enough to see it for themselves. That disappointment or lack thereof is what upsets me. The boys seemed obsolete to the absence, are they used to it? So sad.
We just returned home a little while ago and I can tell I am learning to let go of what I can not control. I still felt the slight urge to yell at him for bailing on the day but I am just trying to control me. And coming on here to write about it helps to calm me . My son has taught me a lesson by his actions, and to be honest if my A had of went we would of probably been miserable because he would of wanted to rush home after the movie to drink. However, it stills bothers me that a A could so easily choose a drink over us, and use the excuse of my child not caring if he went or not. That is total manipulation, so that he does not have to own the fact that he chose not to go.
Hi! I'm glad all of you went to the movie as planned. I can understand your anger and the hurt for your child. It appears your son understands the concept of not taking his father's alcoholic behavior personally? For his sake, I do hope so.
I used to think that my x could control his compulsion to use. As I learned more about alcoholism, I began to understand that he was as powerless over his compulsion to use as I was powerless over his inappropriate and risky behavior. That didn't make my hurt for my kids lessen, but it did help me begin to let go of expecting him to act like me - a person who can say no without effort to alcohol.
I agree with you that it probably was a good thing that AH didn't go to the movie. It isn't fun to be drug away from an enjoyable afternoon by a disease that has one intention - getting that next drink.
I then replied back that the movie is over 2 hours long but, I wanted to scream YOU SELFISH IDIOT. He sat on the couch while we got ready and I knew at that point he was not going. About 20 minutes later he said "(son) told me he did not care if I went or not, so I am going to sit this one out."
. My son has taught me a lesson by his actions, and to be honest if my A had of went we would of probably been miserable because he would of wanted to rush home after the movie to drink. However, it stills bothers me that a A could so easily choose a drink over us, and use the excuse of my child not caring if he went or not. That is total manipulation, so that he does not have to own the fact that he chose not to go.