The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know if this is disrespectful or hurtful to say, but, I so truly don't mean it to be. I mean it to be thankful.
When I see some of you ladies talking here about your adult A sons it helps me to realise that my A's painful saga was going on long before I met him, and, it's probably going to go on long after I finally throw in the towel. Other girls have tried before me, and other girls might try after me. But in the end, our relationship isn't such a grand thing that it is going to have the power to heal him. His years with me won't amount to anything all that memorable to him. He clings to me as if I am the only person on earth that can save him. In reality, to him, I am just 8 years of his alcoholism and not terribly significant, really. In the long run, I will just be part of the blur that went on before he either did or didn't get well. I've loved him so much that I even let him be my HP! But in the grand scheme, I'm not a big part of his life really, just his current enabler. His great love is getting wasted.
I think that's a very freeing realisation. I think I'm a pretty cool person and if I'm going to be with someone, it should be someone who really values and treasures me. It doesn't take away the love and care I have felt for this guy, it just shows me that I could much better direct that love and care to someone that values and cherishes it. Like, myself for starters Maybe someone else, one day. Maybe.
So anyway, thank-you. What you share really helps me to open my eyes, because yes, my A is a son too and his mother called me yesterday, very upset and worried because he has told her that "I might be leaving him" and she wanted to make me understand what would happen to him if he had his heart broken again. "He will isolate, and get depressed, and do something stupid" she warned me. He might end up in jail and do I realise he might have diabetes and he needs to drink for his "nerves"? "Why don't you cook him something nice, maybe dress up sexy, tell him I said he has to spend some time with you, no, tell him I said so! You know, I talked to a guy the other day and he was so depressed because his wife was always putting him down and he had no self-esteem"
Ugh. You ladies rock and I thank you for what you share. It puts things in perspective for me and although I know that isn't what you intend, I am so sure you won't mind the ways that it helps me.
Melly: As the mother of an adult A - I say - "Moving on is the best thing you can do for you." My son has had a series of girlfriends - they were usually upset with me because I won't enable him, take him in, give him money, take him every place he wants to go, or invite him to my home or for holidays. They think that a Mom needs to do all those things no matter how old their adult son is or what he's done. Although my son doesn't beat his girlfriends or do some of the other things your bf has been described as doing, I know it is only a matter of time when they begin to experience the disease as it ramps itself up. Usually, they focus on ways they can move away - just like me - from the serious backlash of a disease over which they are as powerless as I am. Some drink as much as my son drinks and those gals I've had no contact with at all. Its been as if my son has only wanted me to meet the codependent ones. For awhile, I just employed JADE with some of the girlfriends and suggested Al-anon." Finally, I put up a boundary that included refusing to meet yet another new gf. I know that until my son gets into a recovery program and works the program earnestly, the same pattern will play itself out and I want to stay clear of the drama that goes on when she's ticked because she's doing everything and he's ticked because she doesn't want to do everything.
Your leaving your bf may be a good thing for his Mom indirectly because he's probably going to want her to do for him much of what he's wanted you to do for him and she can deal with it by going to Al-anon, too. Maybe she knows what is coming and doesn't want to deal with it? Of course, like my son - he may blame her, too, for all of his problems or he'll blame you to her. Fortunately, those of us in Al-Anon know the truth - we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. The disease is what it is and can only be dealt with when the true nature of the problem is identified and dealt with seriously. Regardless of what he or she does or doesn't do, your life is your own and you are free to move on beyond the drama and the disease process in him and in her that are their responsibility and not yours.
What is true for you and true for me is that neither of us caused it, can control or cure it. We're both in Al-Anon and helping each other grow. I don't feel offended or disrespected by your experiences or your opinions, Melly. I'm just glad you're here and working the program for you - just like me. (And as an aside: ABF already isolates, gets depressed and does stupid things. Those are good things for him to discuss with a counselor or people in AA if he ever chooses to join it. You are so right to refuse to allow the "what ifs" to confuse you. He is going to do what he is going to do. And you are choosing to do what you are going to do. Great!)
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 9th of May 2014 05:23:39 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 9th of May 2014 07:35:34 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 9th of May 2014 08:20:40 PM
Melly Without alanon I can well understand that Mom's reaction and might have done and thought the same. The best idea you could give to your BF's Mom would be try al anon meetings.
I can also understand what you are saying about the "alcoholic blur'. I remember talking to my hubby, after he was sober for over a year and mentioning something that happened while he was drinking and he said: " I do not remember the last 3 years of my drinking life and have not a clue what you are talking about.". . Here I am holding all sort of resentments and looking for amends and he does not remember.
Lesson learned keep the focus on myself, live ODAT and take care of myself It works.
LOL! I know this is Melly's thread, hotrod, but I had to laugh at holding on to all sorts of resentments, looking for amends and he couldn't remember the last 3 years of his drinking life. I'm glad you shared the lesson learned, too. Melly, you are one blessed gal. You know how to bring some powerful shares to the board as you share your own. Thanks, gals. I enjoyed reading both posts.
Mom wants you to continue to take care of him and keep a roof over his head. She loves him dearly but not to the point of taking care of him completely. I'm sorry to say but I did some manipulating and much enabling to keep my son with somebody. When the girlfriend finally gave up and kicked him out I had to pick up the pieces and spend even more money to keep a roof over my son's head. Fast forward a year and a half I'm happy to know I can let go of my son.
Mom talks about jail ..... sorry to say but my son in jail just might be the best thing he ever did for himself. Who knows...time will tell.
Don't let her manipulate you and yes your the current enabler. My son's girlfriend was and I did everything I could to make that relationship work. Pretty bad on my part but I did make amends with her later. She loved me and my son and wishes the best for both of us but had to move on. I'm happy for her that she was able to get her life back, has a beautiful new relationship and lives life to the fullest.
Melly....we are glad we can help because us mom's love our son's and daughter and many of us before Al-anon would do anything in our power to help our kids.
Take care and we love you... ((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Keep taking care of yourself, you deserve to keep the sanity you've earned. We can't walk the walk for anybody else whether it's the A or enabling family members. Sounds like neither your abf nor his mother see themselves as sick and tired enough yet to do something different. I think his mother's response is typical of a person not in recovery so my heart goes out to her. She may not understand that her actions are helping to keep her son sick. I'm not a mother but I was a wife before Alanon thought I could love the disease out of my husband. Boy, am I glad I got unstuck from that thinking after finding this program. I became hugely unpopular with him and his enabling mom after working a program of recovery. Ultimately, like grateful's post describes, he traded camps and I became the bad guy as he manipulated his mother and she reaped a sick pay off of being the "woman" in his life.
I applaud you for knowing your worth, Melly and that there are better and healthier ways to live. Thanks for sharing the journey. ((((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Yeah I was best friends with my exAH's Mom for 15 years, until I left him then she turned on me like never before and she is right back to trying to breastfeed an almost 40 year old man, not literally, lol. Her level of denial and enabling is truly sad and sick and I never saw it until after I left, probably because I was right there with her cushioning his every move. He was my God and I kissed the ground he walked on. Thank God for al-anon and for awareness, acceptance and action! You take care of yourself and know that my exAH is doing better without me in his way and it is amazing, not great but better. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Melly I read this yesterday and thought about it ever since. I hadn't drawn that conclusion but it is SO CLEAR now that you've shed light on it.
Again, thanks for letting me see your view as you work out the next step for you and your "apple hasn't fallen far from the tree" daughter.
Maybe someone else, one day. Maybe.
. Here I am holding all sort of resentments and looking for amends and he does not remember.