OK I'm going to try to put this into perspective. Excuse the boring story and repeat details lol.

When I post on here I try to talk about what I am doing. Then when things are crazy with A I vent sometimes. The result is that I present myself as "trying so hard" and A as a "monster". I guess that's my attempt at "moderation". I recognise it. It's not healthy. I'm still a long way from home. But I AM on the yellow brick road, at least. I think.

Anyhoo.

After his drunken psycho episode a few months ago, I told A he had to leave. As A's do he kept agreeing but didn't go anywhere and eventually begged for a second chance- to "prove himself" to me. I wasn't at all optimistic in fact for the first time EVER I felt as though I wanted him to go but I agreed and made some stipulations such as no hard liquor (He's never been physically aggressive in my experience without drinking several bottles of spirits and reaching blackout stage), no aggressive or abusive behaviour, no leaving a filthy mess. These were the conditions of him remaining in the house for "a while". He has stuck to all of these. One night a few weeks ago we were in the supermarket and he started whining that he wanted to get a bottle of whiskey, (why can't I, I have been alright haven't I?)  I told him that was fine but one of us would be moving out of the house that night because I could not live with someone who would risk hurting me and he put it back on the shelf and hasn't mentioned it since. We had printed out and signed these conditions and I was pleased to see he could at very least manage to keep to some baseline rules. So he has not been horribly drunk or at all abusive during this time, at worst he drinks enough beer to become annoying, and then whines and locks himself in his room when I don't respond. He is mostly friendly and not actually hard to live with in recent months. I have to credit him with this; he has kept himself "nice" for the most part. He claims this is the "best he has ever been" and the "hardest he has ever tried" and I believe him. (I also know that addiction is addiction and he can't keep it up forever). 

That is just to clarify that things have been outwardly calm and I do not feel physically threatened around him. Except for times when he has been blackout drunk he deals with conflict by locking himself in his room (he says he was taught to manage his anger by removing himself from everyone until he is calm) and I would be honestly very surprised to see him do anything violent without a couple of days of serious drinking under his belt. Our home has been, for the past few months, clean (ish), calm and civilised. He is a monster when he is drunk but to his credit he has not been that way for quite some time. A lot of this has to do with the fact that he has swapped out addictions again and is playing a new computer-game manically. One cannot drink much when one needs both hands continually clicking the key-board and mouse. He has told me in the past he uses computer games to keep himself from drinking. I'm not trying to present this as healthy or functional by the way. Just trying to point out that there is an actual human being in there who hates and fears himself, not some psychotic monster who makes my life suck because it's entertaining to him. 

This is NOT a workable arrangement and I regret it but it also hasn't been a crazy nightmare. It's just kind of sad and wrong. If I had insisted he leave in the first place all of the possible scenarios would be better than this sad, drawn out situation. I can't forgive him for that night, or any of the previous episodes that are now bubbling below the surface. I ignored them, took responsibility for them and denied them for years and now each and every one of them makes me FURIOUS and I'm not very nice to him, on the whole. 

During this time I haven't resumed any sort of physical relationship with him and it seems that his way of proving himself to me is to whine and be childish and show me that he cannot cope without me. All of his recent crisis seem to end with him begging me to manage one area of his life or another. I don't think his thinking is distorted or crazed, I think it's quite calculated and an attempt to show me that if I don't go back to behaving like his mother he will fall apart or go to jail or die. For example, the other night when I say he raged at me, when I asked him to keep the noise down he threw a childish tantrum complete with very grown-up phrases like "Why wont you LET ME play my game, why aren't I ALLOWED to talk to my friends"; I almost expected him to start stamping his foot and beating his fist against his thigh and holding his breath and all I had asked was that he lower his voice. It wasn't threatening just pathetic. I also think his dramas and fighting at work have to be seriously exaggerated because he is still employed. He says and does absurd and childish things but he has always done that and in the past I have responded and babied him so, can't blame him for trying I guess. When I describe it, it sounds deranged and it is but it's just how it has always been. I am no longer comfortable with my sick dysfunctional role in it; that is what has changed. I feel yukky and uneasy and I want to do things that make my spirit feel good, not settle for uncomfortable and ugly situations that I can barely tolerate.

Anyway my frustration is with the absurd and childish ways he is trying to manipulate me back into a relationship with him but more so with my own dissapointment and hurt feelings. Perhaps I felt a glimmer of hope because he has been, in physical ways, controlling himself and trying to behave decently but still shows no signs of being able to behave like an adult. So there you go; I agreed to some terms with him and had an expectation that he could do more.  I also felt, I guess, as if I had some power for a while thinking that he was trying to "win me back" but it's actually a pretty revolting feeling and not doing my heart or spirit any good, nor his. I have quite a bit of my own growing up to do, it seems. I've finally learnt to say no to him, finally learnt not to cry when I go to bed alone or don't go begging for a hug when I feel bad, and I've been relishing that and avoiding making the serious grown-up moves that I need to make. I have a very big role in this and am not a helpless victim. In some ways (and this was not conscious but I can see it now) I have been dangling a carrot on a stick and still hoping that he will have a miraculous spiritual revolution and find recovery because of it. I don't believe he is a monster or mentally deranged to be honest, just very sad and sick and far beyond my reach. At one stage I thought we were both horribly damaged souls that would care for and love each other. Now I want better and of course I can't expect him to change just because I have. I could have kicked him out of my life the very first time he behaved like a monster but I didn't, I cuddled and consoled him and promised I would be there forever. I was never helpless and I am not helpless now.

Anyway I had a good day. Everything went wrong. I was meant to get up early and go to my little local town to meet my mother and grandmother who were driving all that way to meet me for lunch and then have a driving lesson. But daughter was still sick and coughing like an old man this morning, in no shape for school and I was feeling horrible and starting to cough too. I called my driving instructor and told her my daughter was sick and would be with me all day therefore, no driving lesson would be possible (her insurance doesn't cover having other people in the car). She told me she would make an exception this time. So I got daughter rugged up warm and we went and had lunch with my matriarchal ancestors and it was lovely and fun. Then daughter sat in the back while I had a driving lesson and that was fun too. I made mention of a driving program I had seen advertised and my instructor said "Oh no, that takes months to organise and we will have you licensed well before then!" and that felt good. She seems pretty pleased with me.

So, I'm just keeping on, doing every next right thing that I have to do and being as clear and as honest with myself as I can be. If I'm getting it wrong or still living with blinders on, well it won't surprise me but it also won't make me give up. None of my goals have changed. This post was just to acknowledge that I'm a participant in my own life and not a helpless maiden locked in a tower.

(((everyone)))