It sounds like you are doing really well. You have awareness and acceptance that he is an alcoholic and that he has a disease. As suggested in the pre amble at meetings, alcoholism is too much for most of us so I think its important to accept that we are not going to do it all perfect but we are getting much better and when we do not act or not react we need to forgive ourselves and move past it. It is very difficult watching this illness have an impact on a child, is he old enough to tell him his dads not well? Children often know anyway from a very early age that something is not right.

For me detaching with love became much easier when I set some boundaries because while I was still accepting unacceptable behaviour I was still reacting due to fear and anger. Boundaries helped me get a bit of trust in my recovery and myself. For example, when he wants to know where you have been and all that nonsense, you could tell him clearly and calmly that you will leave the room if he continues and do it, keep doing it till he gets the message. The tactics that work for a toddler, in my experience, worked for me. You have to show him what you will accept and what you wont. Arguments, talks, demands dont work, its the action part, the getting up and moving away from the unacceptable behaviour every time that does it. I dont talk much to the alcoholics in my life, we speak different languages, my brain works a different way, I cant get them to see life my way. I can be with them for a limited time only. You are doing great, keep leaning on the program it works miracles.x

For me, detachment without the anger came in the form of sticking up for myself without arguing. "Keeping your mouth shut" and "Not engaging" are things that need to be done at specific times. Otherwise you are just being passive and getting your boundaries trampled. So, for me, it comes in the form of "No, sorry honey, it's not my job to wake you up.", "Hey, you left without telling me. I feel that's disrespectful to me because I care about you." and "I refuse to ever accept the excuse that I make you drink."

Yeah, of course these will spur arguments back from the A because they don't like to be accountable and a mature. It is at that point you give short answers or stay quiet or just simply restate the boundary of "Sorry. Not my job to wake you up.", "No, I don't make you drink", "It's disrespectful to leave and not say where you are going." He will try and try to make it an argument but you can answer with "I'm not arguing. Just making a statement." He will probably come up with his own irrational statements again but then you can detach because you stated your boundary. This is the part where you really need to not argue and such....after stating boundaries... It's not that you clam up about all boundaries. An example using your own description: With the TV and your son "We stated the rules for when he can watch TV. Unless he did something else that you feel he needs to be disciplined for that you are not telling me about, I want to be consistent parents as we both agreed this was best." Then he argues and says "You two are teaming up on me." To which you say "Sorry you feel that way. That's not the intent. It's about our parenting and not you personally honey."...Then say no more.

I found that this practice is necessary because the only other answer is to detach by proximity (meaning separate more). If you just try to ignore mistreatment, manipulations, and emotional abuse, you will form resentments that will steal your serenity too.

Detachment with love means to let them have their consequences and to keep handing them their own disease back because, while it might not feel loving to see them suffer, it is loving to let them own their own disease, their own consequences and to have the dignity to make their own choices and see how they impact themselves and others. Making no statements of boundaries just to avoid arguments is not loving because it doesn't "hand the disease back" to them. He may still storm off and be angry when you don't enable. But at least you don't accept it's your fault and your behavior and words match that.

At that point, detachment with love will develop more, because them consistently trying to blame you will stop working as well and you are not as resentful because you aren't accepting the blame and mistreatment nearly as much if at all.

P.S. - I know this is easier said than done. It will take practice and nobody is perfect. Also, the A's actions and reactions may just become unacceptable to you and you will then have to make your own choices about that.

When I read your post I see an alcoholic who is trying to control you, control your son and control your whole house. In my case I "allowed it" out of respect for him and the fact that he was "man of the house". It was the way I was raised and with a normal person it works much better.....

When it got out of hand, as the alcoholism got worse, I became more angry and resentful without even knowing I was angry and resentful. This was all in the days before I even knew AlAnon existed. I was pretty set in my ways and my bad habits. Listen to all the people at your meetings and on MIP and take encouragement from them.

You are fighting a disease that you can't win against. And your hubby is choosing the disease over you and the family. So sad. He has to want to change and now he doesn't want to. Listen to the suggestions and do the actions that you are capable of doing and understanding now and save the rest for in a little while. It will become easier and easier.