You (mip family) are right again; ) - Al-Anon Family Group

sadsusie · Senior Member

You (mip family) are right again; )

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Your detachment is great Susie, Im glad you have not let his mood have an affect on you. It takes a bit of practice to detach this way and let others own their own discomfort, mood etc. I remember, not so long ago, I though I was in charge of everyone's mood and comfort and happiness. It was my responsibility to make the world a happy place for everyone who came into contact with me. I was nuts!!! for years.lol He is an alcoholic, hes going to do what alcoholics do and think like they think but at least you have control over what you feel and think. Good for you.x

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Susie,

Yes, I get reminded all of the time that I need to keep going to meetings. And oftentimes anymore it's not because of AW, but because I am generally dissatisfied with how I live my life and want something better, something more conscious. Something where I can sit back and say "why am I reacting to this way to this stimulus" and maybe have some much more useful and less vague answer than "I don't know, I must be stressed". I would go to meetings if suddenly AW disappeared in a poof because, really, Al Anon is about me, I was just "lucky" enough to have a qualifier lol.

Sorry your AH slipped. Hopefully he had enough good last week that he will remember that it's worth it to keep trying. If not, at least you know what you have to do to keep serene. it is obvious from your post that you have great awareness and acceptance, and you have already shown that you can take action when action is warranted!

As far as that missing smoothie. One of the things I hated when AW was active was things would disappear. Now, I'm a big spacehead, lose stuff all the time, so I try, and am usually pretty successful at not accusing others of losing things that I am looking for. One of the things I hated though was my AW would pick stuff up for whatever reason and throw it away, put it in the darnedest places, whatever. it drove me nuts to have her like that, because just me in the house is enough to lose everything, I didn't need her help! I was always second-guessing about things I couldn't find, after awhile I assumed they had just been thrown away by her for whatever reason.

Anyway, maybe that is what happened to the smoothie? Or not? In whichever case, time to make another one and don't get distracted!

Kenny

PS I'm so glad to NOT read that you blamed yourself for his relapse!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Good share, Susie! (And BTW - did you find it yet? The Smoothie? Keep us posted)

sadsusie · Senior Member

Well, to my surprise, I was wrong. My husband did not drink. I guess my fear got the best of me (as usual).

I have been strongly reminded how important my meetings are. I am a little ...hmmm..saddened that all of these issues linger. I still have a lot of rage and resentment, which when I express it - breeds stress and resentment in my (Recovering)AH. Sometimes I feel like his sobriety is such a huge achievement that I feel down on myself for still being a mess, and not even being able to commit to a diet. But I guess (as my icons remind me) it is a process.

It is a process for me as much as it is a process for him ( have to keep reminding myself). He was out and about for his early birthday yesterday so I was resentful and fearful and controlling. So he is not in a good mood today (justifiably). He also got no sleep and didn't have a good time cause his friends were dumb.

So we were in quite a bit of conflict today. He wants to go do things without me harping on him. And I want him to commit to only doing what *I* want him to do! BLAAGH. lol So I am reminding myself of how he CAN do what he wants, and that even if I am scared if he drinks, it is not my business.

I CAN say that huge progress has been made ( I think) because we are actually talking to each other about our resentments and frustrations. In a weird way I feel like this is also part of our path to recovery.It helps me to be able to verbalize my feelings to him even if he rejects them. And I am proud of him verbalizing his frustrations with me. even if he still takes the car and goes out of town knowing that It annoys me. I guess we are just trying to find the balance between what we each need and what we each WANT. I suppose its like letting off steam. It may not be a good decision or it may have "reperecussions" to let off steam (harmless) and not resolve things right away, but they WILL be resolved via the process of letting of steam. For the both of us. I am learning a lesson too.

I don't need to be resentful of things...I guess I need to look into that more deeply. Yuck. lol

Many Blessings,

PS. OH YES - The Smoothie WAS found. It was right in front of my face! I had put it in the bathroom - I had been in and out of the bathroom a hundred times, but I guess it "blended" lol in with the soap holder/ toothbrush holder and I just didn't see it. Funny enough - My husband found it!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad the missing smoothie was located by sight rather than scent as it was hiding itself in perfect camouflage.

I don't think that it is unreasonable for you to ask him to share that he is leaving the house and will be back at such and such a time for what it's worth. Although it is commendable of you to be focused on yourself and the things you can change, I don't think it is necessary to fault yourself for wanting him to consider you when he's planning an outing that takes him away from the house for hours and says nothing to you about it at all and saying so. I think it is basic courtesy for people who live together - married or otherwise - to let the other know a basic plan for the day that includes a general idea of where they are going and when they'll be home.

I'm not an A and I'm a responsible adult who can come and go as she pleases but that doesn't mean I can just take off from my office without giving my secretary a ballpark idea of where I'm going and what time she can expect me to return plus a telephone number where I can be reached if there is an emergency. I know As don't think like us at times but just because they don't doesn't mean we can't have reasonable expectations of them when we are in a committed relationship to them. If they don't want to agree with our request for common courtesy, that is their choice and harping on it isn't going to help and we can still want to be treated with courtesy and respect without thinking we're off base in wanting to be treated that way. Standing in what you know to be true for you - you value courtesy in relationship - is a good thing to my way of thinking.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

My diet and workout regimen is all to heck since last November when AW went to jail for the DUI. I've been concentrating on getting my mind healthy since she got home from rehab. Even that isn't working fully, as I am doing a fair amount of stress eating, lots of snacks, always something in my hand ready to go into my mouth.

But I feel this is a phase. Between our recovery, and we are selling our house and moving (together), it is still stressful. So my bicycle is having a tune up now. We have to close on a house in mid-June, so once that has settled down I will be back in the exercise routine.

So, I feel for the not able to commit to a diet. Like me, hopefully this time of early recovery will go into a time of more normalcy once we are used to recovery, and we can get back to some normal life.

Kenny

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Susie - This is going to be a challenge for both of you. I hope he has a program and I hope you stick closely to yours.

His staying sober is a huge achievement for him BUT, it's not the same as you going on a diet. I was like a bumbling, insensitive to others, overly sensitive (about self), irresponsible, argumentative, bullheaded person well into my sobriety (a couple of years probably).

So...you are still dealing with a VERY emotionally immature and damaged person. Hopefully he is doing more than just "not drinking." I would like to think if he was going to meetings and had some kind of recovery, he would understand that his past actions of going AWOL for days and then bringing thugs, criminals, and other undesirables around, plus claiming he's gonna get killed and such is what has you nervous. It traumatized you and it is for you to work on but it's also HIS ACTIONS that caused that. Alcoholics in recovery generally know they have to suck it up and earn trust back through right actions. That is his program to work. As for you, you are doing much more than just hoping he doesn't drink. You are working your program and not obsessing over him, but sticking up for your boundaries also.

sadsusie · Senior Member

Thanks Pinkchip,

I am always so glad to hear from you!

Yes, I suppose I was relieved enough just to have him stop drinking. And to tell you the truth, he really isn't behaving that much differently. He now has a good friend across the street. So he spends most of the night there watching movies til he falls asleep on the couch. I hardly see him. Lol, which isn't that bad!

The unhealthy things alcoholics do is part of his nature now. I can only hope that now that he has a clearer head (so to speak) he will start to realize that he is still in self destruct mode.

I would like to see him go to meetings, he had mentioned it. To be totally honest, I have really put his recovery out of my head. I feel like I ought to feel bad about it, but I am tired of worrying about him. It doest do *him* any good and sure sure messes my head up. That being said I since I haven't really seen much of him, we haven't really talked much. and I am CERTAINLY NOT going to bring it up. If he wants to go he will go. If he want support I am 100% there for him. But I am going to let him bring it up. I get the impression (duh) that he has a whole lotta gunk in his head - lots and lots of guilt etc. I don't intend to bring any of that to the surface. He needs to do that when he is ready to deal with it.

He is just gonna have to work it out on his own. I am in a good place and intend to stay there. Ironically he says the same thing, but goes next door. (to distract himself with movies and be entertained). I can only hope that he talks about the things in his head with his friend.

I can only do what I can do. If he needs to take time for himself, I can't "make" him want to stay home. and I would imagine he is used to me trying. and trying to make him feel better. He always had it in his head that *I* needed to make him feel better. Well, I now realize that that is an impossibility. I think that he might realize that now, but that doesn't mean he doesn't still want me to make it better. How frustrating for him to know that he has to do it himself. It is a hard pill to swallow. But it is HIS pill.

I've stopped hovering over him. OH did I upset you, oh, but I love you so much, oh, please don't be mad, oh yadda yadda. I just tell him that I love him very much. Even if I first say "I am so mad at you and I resent you." Then I drop it. [ In my head I'm thinking..."I said I love you, I do love you, I would not be dealing with this if I didn't love you. Now go deal with your crap"]. I am grateful that he lets me deal with my crap on my own.

Thanks for reminding me that yes HIS ACTIONS and craziness did and Do affect my current state of mind. I knew that, but it helps to have it validated.
Many blessings

-- Edited by sadsusie on Wednesday 7th of May 2014 11:41:05 AM

-- Edited by sadsusie on Wednesday 7th of May 2014 11:46:11 AM

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