If I had it to do over again I would have called the police when I knew y AW was driving drunk. It's unsafe, she could kill herself, or somebody else. The worse she did was some property damage, and I was in too much denial to do it. If she had killed somebody or herself, or our son, it would have completely changed our family forever.

Unfortunately, getting a person sober doesn't happen by paying money, just like you can't get into heaven that way either. As Catherine said, they have to want it. My AW went to an intensive outpatient therapy program for 8 weeks. She denied that she had any kind of problem the whole time, as did I, but her psychologist told her she needed to go. She was probably drinking to passing out at that time, but hiding it so well that neither of us realized it really was a problem. She got nothing out of that IOP of course.

First inpatient she went to she got something out of it, but didn't stay sober for long afterwards. Second inpatient she has been sober for almost 6 months, that one was a result of her second DUI. She decided to get serious. In her mind she finally had no choice, due to legal difficulties. There are plenty of other alcoholics that will go way past the point my AW did before going into recovery.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Alcoholism is a baffling disease, and totally irrational. You are likely right, he may not mean the ugly words, but he can't help saying them. My AW would yell at my son, kick our dogs, when she isn't A she would never do that to either of them. But when in the grip of the disease, she was awful. And she had to be the one to want to finally break free. I couldn't make her. Believe me, I tried. I couldn't love her into sobriety, I couldn't chide her into sobriety, I couldn't punish her into sobriety. She had to hit her own bottom when she finally decided it wasn't worth it.

So, you can take your AH to inpatient, but there is no guarantee. He can go there and come out a changed man. He can also go there and yawn a lot and not really participate, and not work, and come out a slightly more bitter man. It's up to him, not you.

The only person you can actually control is you. How are you reacting to his disease? Can you get to any face to face meetings? Or online meetings? I can tell you, if I didn't have Alanon, my AW might be sober, but she wouldn't be with me. There were so many problems between us that once she got into serious recovery she had to give me an ultimatum - I change some of my triggering behaviors, or she had to leave. With Al Anon, I was able to become aware of some of these character defects (instead of ignoring her badgering me about them) and have been able to make a number of changes that have made our lives together pleasant again. I can only recommend that you try it. There are so many coping skills, and so much education you can get out of one meeting, and reading some literature, you will feel like a different person. We have had two new people at my home meeting the past couple of weeks, both of whom came back the next week after telling horrible tales, and they already started to feel better.

Kenny

I would check my motives. If its to force him into recovery then that is manipulation and in my experience never works out. If its about the danger he poses to himself and others then I would do it. The chances of you getting back the man you married is probably slim, even with recovery he will change, hopefully for the better. If you commit to your own program of recovery for your own life it becomes less about him and what he chooses to do and more about yourself and building yourself up so that your life and happiness is not dependent on him or his sobriety.