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Keeping My Mouth Shut .. Ohhhhhh myyyy is about all I can say at the moment. I need to take a BIG breath.
Apparently my STBAX must have heard from his atty and must have been raked over the coals about more than a few things. Probably about paying the bills he just doesn't need to pay .. LOL .. I'm sure his atty has his hand out. The sad thing is that is a running joke between the two atty's and he's probably been put on notice that unless he pays he will be dropped as a client.
I got a very nasty text about visitation and the kids. As well as he's moving and I need to get the cats .. UGH .. well I expected it so that is what it is at this point. It's the first text in a LONG time that has left me with that whole ick feeling of pit in the stomach garbage. I haven't felt adrenaline in a LONG time. I choose not to react and I won't be until I have had a few hours to put things into perspective and HOPING to talk to my sponsor today.
Lord .. please put your hand over my mouth, and your arms around my shoulders, while you are at it tie my arms with your love. Please remind me that this man is a child of God and the dark fantasies that are blaring between my ears are never good in action .. LOL!!!
I will respond .. I will choose how I respond and I won't be responding in anger. I will respond with the words that God gives me .. or at least that's what I keep telling myself.
Please say some prayers for me today, thanks S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((((Hugs)))))) and prayers for calm to come quickly. Sorry that feeling hit you again.
I was wondering if I should offer to send over the sticky tape that I'm considering to help me keep my mouth closed - but to be honest, I know you work your programme really well so no need
Serenity...you got what I have and the prayers. You also have my gratitude for remembering that part of your prayer which contains the eternal compassion and empathy I must have for all alcoholics and addicts in our lives...yours, mine and all others. I leave (((((hugs))))) and prayers.
Remember that you don't speak alcoholic so he won't get what you are trying to say no matter how loudly you say it, so its best not to try.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Well, it never ceases to amaze me .. he's saying that it's the kids responsibility to contact him and let him know they want to see him. HE will not contact them and talk to them about visitation .. well how about talking to them about life? How about asking THEM how they are? How about taking an interest in what they are doing? How about taking some responsibility regarding your relationship with your kids. Now .. somehow I managed NOT to say any of that .. LOL .. he is completely venomous at the moment and probably very drunk as well.
Turns out that my daughter received a random text from a girlfriend of hers completely out of the blue .. hey saw your dad's truck .. she text her friend back and was like where? He was at the store buying beer with a friend of his. WOW WOW WOW .. he is SOOO angry and it is SOOOO my fault in his mind.
What I did say is that we have ALWAYS followed visitation per the parenting agreement. Moving is rough and if he needed some empty boxes I have a few. I also mentioned I would have to try and find a place for the cats for a bit it would take some time though. I have until May 15th. His response was .. we are NOT following the parenting agreement visitation schedule and that the cats will be in a shelter if I don't get them by the 15th. My last response was he needs to refer to the parenting agreement .. it states very clearly that the kids decide when they see him during that time. They discussed the visitation this Sunday during Easter. (Both of the kids have a very clear memory of having this conversation). I will get the cats as soon as I make other arrangements. His last response was he will come and get them IF they call him. They never discussed it during Easter. Good night. UGH UGH UGH. Sooo MANY things I want to say it's not even funny .. my daughter saw how upset I was and is upset herself. I'm letting him have the last word ONLY because he must be drunk and he is sooooo ANGRY it's not even funny. It is what it is .. and it's just one of those things I can't help how he reacts to his situation going on.
I have a VERY good idea as to what has happened and I'm saving the messages. I spoke to my atty Monday and mentioned STBAX's atty needs to find out where his client is as there has been NO contact with the kids and he stood them up. I also know for a fact that he owes his atty a LOT of money and has broken a payment agreement with him. So of course this is why he's needing to move and of COURSE it's ALL MY FAULT .. LOL .. it wouldn't have mattered if I was involved or not .. I don't know where he's moving .. I have a feeling he's having to move home. I might be wrong about that however he had told me a couple weeks ago he was going to try and stick it out until June .. well I think his atty said that you need to pay me or I am withdrawing .. of course if he is actually drinking THAT will also be my fault as well .. LOL.
This is going to escalate quickly and if he's actually moving home with his mother it's going to get worse very fast. He doesn't do well living there and again he is FURIOUS at the moment .. so again .. last contact .. that will enough for a LONG while. At least until he calms down.
Anyway, very so not fun talk and I am going to let it go and I let a LOT go. This is a VERY good thing.
Thanks for the prayers I REALLY needed them ALL!!! Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
"Furious" and "so angry"...those make it seem like real emotions. All I hear is unraveling and sickness. Back when you were together I am sure you gave credence to his moods. Now...detach. He's not so much furious as he is just nuts.
My mother used to say, "You kids are going to drive me to drink!!!" She was a complete teetotaller. I always laughed at what she said (inside - not so she could see - since I knew she didn't drink and we couldn't drive her to it.) Now, I'm thinking maybe it wasn't so funny. The story of your x may drive me to drink and its not even time for my every year or two year Bailey's holiday drink with my friends. Geez!!!!! But! It will be his fault and not yours if I pretend its Christmas and invite friends out to our local eatery.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 30th of April 2014 09:00:19 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 30th of April 2014 09:00:53 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 30th of April 2014 09:10:03 PM
Pink you are ABSOLUTELY right .. he is unraveling and what a marvelous way to describe what is transpiring!!! He's nuts and I will choose to stand at the station waving buh bye as he heads out to looneyville .. although from the texting that I saw last night .. he may have caught an earlier train .. so maybe I will just not go to the station at all :) The thing that is scary for me is this is the exact same behavior he did this time last year which I moved to get an OP .. again another HP reminder .. nothing has changed. Truly in all fairness .. I can see how he's a trapped rat in a corner and he doesn't need to be provoked by me. I am going to be extremely aware of my personal space and keeping him out of it. I guess while this situation hasn't changed .. I have .. I have had tremendous growth and just for today I can step back and say .. this whole thing really isn't about me. I can practice the 3 C's. I can reach out here instead of engaging with him further.
I'm going to send 1 email for documentation purposes to him in all fairness I will wait until after the moving is done. His relationship with his children is up to him and his kids. I'm going to remind him of that fact and step completely away. The kids based upon the fact he has STILL not called them to even say he was ok (I'm sure he doesn't want to talk to them as they DID call him and he DIDN"T respond). That is completely on HIM. That would mean taking responsibility and in his sick state .. he can't and I get that. They aren't interested in talking to him at the moment or seeing him .. they have indicated to me that this is no different than last year and he will only get worse.
Grateful .. OMGOSH .. that whole drive me to drink statement made me laugh only because I have stopped myself from saying it to the kids .. it used to be very funny however .. obviously given the circumstances .. not so much .. I soooo understand. Thank you for sharing my warped sense of humor .. some days if I didn't laugh I would explode!! I was thinking outside of the whole issue of the disease and consequences of the disease how nice to be able to check out, blame others and just have a drink to make everything ok. This is one of those .. I just don't have the luxury to go down that road and I'm ok with that .. at the same time .. it would be nice. I wish I could be like him and "just don't pay" ... I do the best I can and stumble on these terms of being a grown up .. however .. I'm at least trying to do the right thing .. I think that counts for something.
The only thing I thought about was WAIT until he talks to his s/mom and this issue comes up .. OMGOSH .. he's already flying through the roof .. this is going to make him crash through a couple of buildings .. YIKES! It is what it is .. maybe this won't come up until another time .. we'll see. I have a feeling that I will be filing another OP .. this time I will probably just get it. I will wait.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm the same, Serenity. I have to laugh sometimes or I'll go nutty myself. Laughter truly is the best medicine sometimes in the face of what just isn't mine to handle. I'm so glad you know program and can practice the 3cs. Seeing that you and my Mom have something in common with the "Driving me to drink" saying made me smile. If you knew my Mom, there was no driving her anywhere. She wasn't a lady you could push very far - not unlike you, sister. (((S)))
I can relate here a lot, after my move out of the same town as my exAH he helped me pack up my uhaul and well he felt very reattached and started a cycle all over. He again had to realize he lost his family and well he is an A so how he handled it all was not good or healthy. It really triggered me and I had to make new boundaries and it made it easier for me to enjoy the space, distance and detachment. Sending you love and support always!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I had another lightening bolt moment as I woke this AM .. funny the things that flit in and out of one's mind. Well .. the only time I see him this angry is when it's around money .. the biggest thing being he was informed he was making up child support from when he was laid off .. that will be a hunk of money coming out. This state will take 65% of your check until you are caught up when it's a court order. So that could have very well happened and why the rush to move out now. He's not going to have the money to get caught up. Plus .. if he filed and claimed the kids his taxes were denied and he now has to re-file taxes which will be a mess to say the least. That is on him not me .. again he has not provided financials so it should be interesting.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
