The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since my son was released a year ago from prison due to a technical violation of his parole, I have known that it was only a matter of time without his willingness to enter a recovery program in earnest that the disease would drag him back down. Instead of worrying about when the next shoe would drop, I chose to make the best of the time I did have with him until the time came when the disease ramped itself back up again in him. I've applied the same remedy to my life as I've hoped he would employ to his own. I knew where he was headed without a program. I also knew where I would be headed if I didn't consistently work mine more strongly than I might have chosen to do if the reality of my life was different than it truly is. Although he is in jail again, I'm grateful he isn't dead.
Regardless of what I knew and how I chose to handle myself and help myself, it still hurts to experience his showing up at my car with flowers in his hands for me excited about his future and glad to have lunch with me because he was earning more money than he had made in a long, long time and he was providing for himself and several weeks later hitting the end of the getting there road and plunging back totally into madness. No mother wants this kind of life for her son nor does she want to experience him happy and later see the effects of the disease raping him again of any real quality of life.
Today, I know that I have choices. I can choose to let the sadness and grief I feel tear me up and destroy my day or I can choose to trust that although this anticipated turn of events is not what I want, it is what it is. I have learned to love myself enough to allow my son to be who he is and to make the best of the good days. Although I have pointed to the doors of AA and shared my own e/s/h with him at times it has seemed right to do, I know that I am just the messenger. I have been grateful for my sponsor's help and reminders by fellowship and/or MIP members that I am powerless and that I'm not "THE ONE" who can help my son recover from this disease.
The slogan that comes to my mind as I write this is: "This, too, shall pass." I know it will. I've experienced it enough - the pattern. What I don't experience much anymore is the constant worry and focus on his life and what could be happening to him. I need reminders from time to time that I surrendered him and his life into his HP's hands and all my hopes for us, too, some time ago. Thanks to working the program, although I feel very sad and grieved by what I know, I can keep my focus on myself, do what will keep me focused on my glass being half full rather than half empty, pray for my son, and ask for help when I need it.
Thanks for listening. I'm also grateful to know I'm not alone on this journey of faith.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 29th of April 2014 08:25:37 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 29th of April 2014 08:26:53 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 29th of April 2014 10:26:47 AM
I am so sorry Catherine. It's great that you have the means to stand up against it. I have described some of the hardships that folks like you go through here to my wife, and she just looks at me like I am crazy, that nobody could ever live through their sons being addicts. You are living proof that one can, and that you can have the relationship with HP and know yourself well enough to be able to enjoy the good moments when you have them.
I know so well what your feeling right now. But I also know you and your program is strong and like you say " This too shall pass " . I was told in a post to look at it as and long term rehab so I pray that my son gets enough time behind bars to realize the help he needs and seeks it out. So I pray your son will finally get the message and do what is right this time.
We can both be very grateful that they are not DEAD because that is surely the next step in this disease if they are not put away where they can't hurt themselves. It's so sad that the law has to step in but I think its for the best like so many have told us before.
Prayers for you today that peace will come because of this and prayers that HP knows what is best.
He is safe from himself so sleep well knowing he's in God's hands.
(( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Oh grateful, I needed to read this today. My higher power has been showing me signs all day and your post is another sign I think. Im sorry you are going through this and i do understand everything you have said. Im glad you are here to share your wisdom and hopefully get some relief.x
You'd be inhuman if you didn't feel the joy when he comes to see you. I'm sorry you're feeling this pain as well. You sound so strong, so serene. I don't know if it helps at all, and I am new to al-anon, so I hope I don't step on any toes. But surely, having the ability to still be open to his love and to feel happy at his successes, even if they are brief, is a sign that his disease hasn't crushed your heart and spirit. You are stronger than it. I hope he will be, too.
Thank you all. Your support means so much. Just like our As, we didn't think as children "Gosh! I'd sure love to be the parent of a child who goes through fire and water as a disease drags him or her through it." But, we did and we do have children that are drug thru both and more. Fortunately, there are people who know how to be there for us when the going gets rough for our kids. You are all from a very elite group called people who don't judge it - they get it - and they truly care. (((Hugs)))
Oh Betty you are so right. I'm sitting here thinking about making dinner with my son and him telling me I'm doing it wrong and how he took charge and made that dinner for us and how really good it was. To watch him eat something healthy and good because he has so so abused his body. Or sitting in two reclining chairs with our laptops and talking for hours about anything and everything. Just the simplest of things but my heart is warm.
Prayers are with you Grateful2be
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
It's been a while I have been on here. So much I have to really let out. I too am right where your at. And yes with out a program my son slipped again after 75 days of sobriety. Again he maybe homeless but I did not make that choice for him. It saddens me but I have yet to learn to surrender my son to his higher power. I can not lose me again. I'm reaching out too. I need help for me!! God bless
