Wellness Check .. - Al-Anon Family Group

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Wellness Check ..

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If I had to do it over again, I would not have chosen to contact my children's father when he was a no show. I would have trusted that his not being there for the kids was a sign that I was the one who was to be there for the kids and he was off doing what As do. I wasted energy and kept turmoil going by doing what I thought was the right thing by my kids at the time. I don't blame myself or criticize myself for the choices I made back then but I certainly was able to make amends for it when my grandson was born and his Dad did the same kinds of things when he was still a baby. My grandson is almost 15 and although he has issues what he doesn't have and didn't have was exposure to an on again/off again father. He has no longing for his Dad and doesn't feel deprived of him either. One day I asked him if he ever felt bad because his Dad wasn't available to him? "Nana, I love my life. I'm happy. He doesn't mean anything to me." I'm happy that his father who is also an A wasn't in his life because his modeling would have been to do the same as he was doing - using. That still is no guarantee that my grandson won't pick up at some point but I do know my grandson was spared a lot that my kids endured because I couldn't accept that I truly was enough for them at the time. My daughter went after him for child support but has never tried to force him to interact with his son. Both of us agree that it is better our "boy" doesn't spend time with the biological connector she needed to create my grandbaby who is a delightful child with a good heart and a "happy life."

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 28th of April 2014 07:22:51 AM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I think I really need to check my motives because I don't think that I'm coming from a good place .. I will admit I DO want to punish him. Like I can do worse than he's probably doing to himself at the moment even if he's trying to minimize and rationalize his behavior. Honestly, I would rather he just be OUT of the kids life. I think the only thing I want to be sure that I do right so it protects me in the long run is the more visitation he misses the less of a leg he has to stand on if I were able to move completely out of the state. I have court today and I am going to ask my atty regarding the legalities of the situation. He's in contempt of course .. lol .. and I only laugh because it's just unreal what he puts the kids and I through. I do NOT understand the point and in my world there is always a point of why axis .. even if it is .. it is what it is .. there is a point.

Legally, if it benefits me I will do something .. really I'm actually grateful. My daughter talked about it today before her driver's ed class .. and said .. I really don't care that he didn't show up .. it bothers me more that I called and he never responded to that to at least say look .. I didn't want to come so I didn't OR hey sorry .. not a good time, I'm ok. Again .. legally is how I think and so far that hasn't steered me wrong in dealing with the insanity and it has also gotten the kids protected legally as well.

Right now he's not suppose to drink for the next 12 months and trust me when I say .. I could tell the last time we were together he was itching to take a drink. I did call him out on that fact. It is what it is situation and I don't feel bad I said something because he only lies to himself.

I don't want him showing up if he's that unstable and I have reason to believe that he is at this point especially if he's drinking.

He hasn't done anything directly for legal purposes .. so I wait .. and I know waiting is a good thing .. however .. ehe .. I don't want to wait until it's to late. I'm going to voice my concerns to my atty and see what he says. He will know better based upon his conversations with his atty. Even his atty sees how unstable he is though .. that is concerning.

Thanks S :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I punished my children when they "stepped out of line." That was what I'd learned was the way to raise kids. Now I know that punishment might aid an outer behavior change for a short time, but it never transforms a heart or a way of thinking in my experience. I can sure relate to believing punishment is the answer and I am happy you have chosen to look at your motives and consider an alternate way to handle this inappropriate yet predictable behavior on the part of an A who isn't there yet.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 28th of April 2014 09:20:08 AM

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Grateful. If I had to do the first year all over again, I would just enjoy my son. I am doing that now.

His father is suppose to have visits on his weeks home from work. This week he asked for zero.

God has his own plan for this child and for reasons not known to me it does not involve him.

My son says almost every morning "My daddy's gone" and it breaks my heart but I cannot change that.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, checking my motives is the most important thing. I dont check up on my ex at all, I dont have younger children though. However, if you want to check on him to use it in court then im not sure that would be the right thing to do, it could backfire or you may experience guilt through that. If your need to check comes from your own issues with him that your trying to recover from then it might be better to resist that urge and explore whats going on within you. If you want to check on him for the safety of your children then I think thats a good reason. Then again, it sounds like your daughter is a bright girl and maybe its up to her to do the checking if thats what she chooses. I think living in today is important. For today he has not got in touch and is probably drinking, your kids are safe and sound so for today you could let it go and get thinking about you. Tomorrow may bring further information and your choices may be based on facts. Trust yourself that you will do the right thing for you and your kids as you have always done. Remember the saying in alanon, hes going to drink or not, what are going to do?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

On this one I'd check my motives for calling...honest motives and decide what or how much my part is going to be and the consequences. Mind set for me might be leave "perfection out of the formula" then...do the plan turning it all over to HP who I ask for guidance from. (((hugs))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 28th of April 2014 06:06:51 PM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

When I first left my exAH he decided to disappear into the bottle for a few months and not see our kids. Interestingly enough we lived in a tiny town and we would pass him from time to time and I never tried to contact him. My oldest was old enough to know he only lived a few miles away and if she wanted to see him she could have, but chose not to also. He has since apologized and came back into their lives, but on his own with me staying way out of it. When and if he takes another hiatus, I will back off and let him and them figure it out, otherwise I always end up to blame good intentions or not. I have let go of all control and hand him to God even when my kids are involved. It is very hard and at times heart breaking, but definitely in my own best interest. Sending you love and support always!

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