The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A month ago, my AH's disease progressed more than I could have imagined. He is a sneaky drinker - never ever drinking in front of me and denying that he is drinking. He was in outpatient treatment over the winter but drank during it so was discharged from the program. He continued to go to AA and insist that he was working the program and not drinking. I believed him. Suddenly, he was hospitalized for two weeks as a result of his drinking. He went to treatment but left within a day. Now he is in detox awaiting placement in another (hopefully inpatient) treatment program. I am overwhelmed with worry. I'm most worried about my future with my kids and how I'm going to stand on my own two feet. I have been a stay-at-home mom and now working part time but not enough to pay a mortgage and living expenses. He was the breadwinner and he did it well despite all of the drinking he must have been doing. And I'm worried about what our marriage has come to. I don't see any other option than to divorce him and that scares me because it is so much to figure out. I never thought it would be something I would have to figure out. Any words of advice? Are brighter days ahead? I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.
It's certainly a tough situation. I always feel bad for people with young kids and the kids themselves who have to go through parental drinking, as I also am going through that with my father. I am 30 now, but went through it as a teen without any recovery. I can tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel. When I first moved out from the only situation I knew, I was afraid but 2.5 years later I even managed to put away enough money to purchase my own home. Talk about light! I never thought I'd be in this situation this soon.
As far as advice, start going to al-anon meetings and working on your perspective.
Oh, Celina: Welcome to the board. I can certainly empathize with the fear and worry about a future over which you have no control and a husband and a disease over which you have no control either. Alcoholism is a disease that without treatment can end a life. It is also a disease for which there is no cure but abstinence can stop the progression of this disease and consistent effort in a recovery program that most of us on this board is AA for people with the disease of alcoholism. Whether or not he chooses to get help in a program after detox and rehab, of course, will be his choice.
Our suggestion for folks who have loved ones with this disease is to attend at least 6 Al-Anon meetings before deciding if the program is for you. This program is for friends and family members of a loved one with the disease. Although the program isn't for the problem drinker, it is for us who have also been affected by the lies and deceptions, twists and turns of the disease. We who have lived with the problem of alcoholism understand how difficult our lives can be and we are offered a solution in the form of program work, finding a sponsor in the program, obtaining the Conference Approved Literature of the program, and meeting with others who have been in your shoes and have discovered a way to live with their hope restored and confidence restored.
We also suggest that no major decisions are made until you've been involved in the program for at least six months. Many people have discovered after working the Al-Anon program that their initial plans of action are often reactions to the disease and change their minds on how they will proceed in their lives.
Please keep coming back here, too. We also offer on-line meetings as a way to supplement the face to face meetings that are suggested by us. People on the message board are also a big help and try to offer their experience, strength and hope without giving advice. I'm glad you're here.
Others will welcome you, too.
I've only been attending al anon for a few months but something I have realized is that I truly don't need to make decisions today, or even next week/month, especially in terms of my marriage. With everything that's happened to you no wonder you are overwhelmed, for now your AH is cared for, you need to care for you. It's so much easier said than done! Try to find the good in today and work on what you can control and not worry about what you have no control over. Also run to the next al anon meeting in your area, it's amazing to know you truly aren't alone when dealing with the disease and everything that comes with it! Keep coming back!
Thanks for your replies. I just came back to the message board (it's been a crazy couple of months!) I read your responses back when I first posted and now came back and read them again. I think I was too overwhelmed when I originally posted to even respond. My AH has now completed a month long inpatient program and is living in a sober house. I told him he couldn't come home (but I haven't filed for divorce and I really am not ready to do so). It has been a good break for me to be able to care for myself and focus on my kids. But I still struggle with the looming decision I must make. I have not been going to Al-Anon meetings regularly and I understand that it would be helpful in my decision making process. I have a lot of excuses about why I haven't gone but, in truth, it is fear. If going will get me out of this hole, I need to face it and be uncomfortable for a bit. I already am uncomfortable anyway.
We all come back no matter the fear because this will work if you work it. Al-anon can give you some tools that will keep you sane and helps you figure out about yourself and what you want out of life. It's said don't make any major decisions for 6 months as you attend meetings and I think this is one good decision. To rush into something you are not understanding or confused about doesn't make for the right decision.
Go to some meetings and see if you become more relaxed as you go. And remember the fellowship is or was right where you are now my friend.
Keep coming back because you are not alone....
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
