The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
even with a sign out front on my driveway saying "No trespassing", "No Turn Arounds"...lots of people do that; drive off the main drag down our private drive, into my driveway to turn around so they won't have to back out where they came in. None leave any sort of funds to repair my driveway which needs to be done soon cause we can't use it as well. I came home from my meeting to find her stopped in the middle of the drive...that isn't my resentment cause the drive belongs to 4 owners myself included however she saw the sign three different time and decided to back up into my driveway anyway and when I asked (irately) if she could read the sign a lightning strike hit in between us and I found a woman who obviously looses her sense of safety when she gets angry. She left her car and body bumped me as if somehow that would be intimidating...NOT!! and then my neighbor who this gal was looking for showed up and threw some chips to the fire by apologizing for my PTSD. "He has PTSD", she says and now its not about my personal property being trespassed on its also about a neighbor holding me accountable with mental/emotional disability. Yeah she was trying to get me to What?? be the good guy and? I am a good guy and I don't like people to drive past my sign on to my damaged driveway and then justify it. I don't like disrespect at the same time from someone else who played a part in it and would rather make an excuse of me. Forgiveness has already started and then I live with a spouse who does not and will not be supportive. She is the third woman in this drama. I'm doing chocolate and nothing with alcohol in it. Already talked with HP and finished part of a contract in spite of wanting to chuck it all. This too will pass over more time. I'm wrapping it up in some nice pleasant gift paper to had to my Higher Power and will keep an open mind and ears while at my sponsors tomorrow morning. Don't like getting hands on by anyone...not even a woman. The rules change at that point and that concerns me. Now where is that cave I was hunting for? This is a vent and a rant...Pity Pot is out in the garage. ((((hugs))))
Oh, Jerry ... things are hard sometimes, aren't they? Sounds like that was one woman with a troubled background. I hate to think how people reacted in her family of origin, which is where she must have learned her belligerence and defensiveness. Lots going on inside that woman's head. It sounds as if you got your program tools out as soon as you could and sat down with it (and came here with it). I know that feeling of being flooded with emotion, and wish I could get to my program tools so quickly sometimes.
I wonder if you're having some expectations that people won't be stupid? I'd hate to see you waiting till people stop being stupid before you keep your serenity, because you deserve a lot of serenity, my friend! Hugs.
Thanks Mattie...Expectations yep built upon the thoughts of what goes around comes around. I keep thinking that some others will treat me like I treat others...some will for sure and not all...those that don't throw the whole balance off and I just do my best reactions when I am caught without an "off" switch. Went to Home Depot for some material to finish a contract after this fiasco and when I came back to my truck there was trash left in the parking space next to me and because I was pissed I wasn't going to care and just leave it there and in the end...nope...picked it up and brought it home for the trash can. "To thine own self be true...to thine own program work"...God protect me from apathy and complacency and all of the other tools which don't work ((((hugs))))
Jerry, is there a practical solution, like a gate? Im sorry you were challenged in this way, it does sound like the woman is damaged. I suppose its the old tools of forgiveness and letting it go and it sounds like you have doen this already. Theres growth and learning in every situation in my experience.x
I've had similar reactions regarding driving. For me, its usually when I am driving too. Mini-road rages for me. I get hot when someone beeps at me even for no good reason, but I can deal with that. It's when they roll down their window and curse at me, make obscene gestures, or get out of their car to yell at me. That has me seeing red. I have gone ballistic on people that do that thinking "They don't know who they are messing with." and "Oh no...I'm not the one to be screwed with! This person's little bullying game just ended here!"
Meanwhile, what have I turned into? They usually continue. Then I start cursing and screaming. They start screaming I need help or something. I tell them I am a therapist and to trust me, they are the ones that need help...blah blah blah... One time the other person screamed "Yeah, I'm a therapist too and you shouldn't be working with people with that mouth" (after they started the whole thing which I recognize is a childish argument). Afterwards, I am always left feeling off kilter and not like I defended myself well but that I lost it by screaming and cursing and then trying to diminish the other person.
Not saying my issues and problems are just like yours, but your story reminded me of those confrontations. It's a fine line between letting go, standing up for my rights, and provoking folks that obviously don't give a rats butt about me and my values.
And I am glad you immersed yourself in the soothing magic of chocolate My 3 year old granddaughter has discovered this delightful comfort. One day, while she was sitting in the grocery cart, she said "grandma", I said "what, sweetie"? As I turned to look at her, she had her little index finger pointing into her wide opened mouth and said "I need chocolate in here".
The C2C today reminded me that I will never be perfect and that is OK because I am a child of a perfect Higher Power and that in itself deserves respect----respect from myself-- respect for the miraculous self I have been given "
The quote is perfect for all occasions "I am learning to live a full Life, one in which I like and care for the person I am. You are doing just that.
Paula love the story of your grandchild - needing chocolate "IN here" I do as well when I am in the supermarket
I had a problem not too long ago. Dogs running and messing on my property continuously. I got sick and tired of it and when the dogs were out in my yard again I went out and was scaring them away. These dogs ( 2 ) were barking at me but moving back at the same time. I followed them until they got back into their own yard. The owner was out and said I better be careful these dogs will attack. I stared at him with a face that could kill. He started yelling at ME....go figure. I clearly told him he better take responsibility ( wouldn't let him speak ) for these animals before he's the one in trouble. He wanted to continue but I walked away with my puffy chest and because so I wouldn't be able to engage anymore. I didn't let him take my power away. Well....haven't seen the dogs since and the fence is fixed.......
Your problem is different because it's somebody new every time. But the neighbor coming out is a shock. You would think she be on your side because the drive belongs to her to. I guess it's time for all the neighbors to pitch in and repair the drive.
I'm the well master and 4 of us share a Well. I get 20 each month from each of the neighbors and it's put in a savings account. If anything go's wrong with the well I have the money to paid the bill and pay the utility bill. Maybe you can set up something like that....maybe 10 dollars a month into a account to have the drive graded on a yearly bases.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
"My" and "me" are two words that can get me into trouble a lot because I attend fights I'm invited to when I think in those ways. I love the e/s/h you've received - most especially the suggestion that maybe its time for all the neighbors to pitch in and repair our drive. I have a neighbor who throws his cigarette butts over the fence onto my yard. Why he does that, I have no idea. My guess is that something in him is looking for a fight since I know I've had no conversations with him and just come and go to work and back. I have picked the butts up and thrown them back over the fence once and then one day I considered just how important is this? Like you, I might as well see the land on which I live right now as part of our world, notice the biological hazard where I'm standing and just pick up the butts and throw them away. Good exercise for my body and less stress on my mind and heart. I can be right or I can be loving. Sometimes I'm right but it hurts and sometimes I'm loving and it doesn't hurt.
And Paula, I just love that story about your grandbaby! Did you get her a peanut butter cup?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 27th of April 2014 09:25:40 AM
I can really empathize. Is it my imagination or are people getting more aggressive, entitled and rude? It takes a lot big b's to physically bump someone that way. I would've been afraid you'd hit me. It makes you wonder where people find the nerve to do that particularly kids. Anyway, I'm sorry this happened to you. It's really unsettling to have an experience like that. I don't know... maybe it would be cheaper for all concerned to chip in for a couple of wooden latched gates. It would be a little inconvenient to have to get out of your vehicle to open and close them but it would ultimately save wear and tear on the driveway unless of course they closed automatically but I'm betting that would be a rather costly feature. If you can't get others on board, you could think about paying for the gates yourself if they had no objection and were willing to have them. Anyway, it is very upsetting when people disrespect our property and ruin our things and cost us money. Oh by the way... I wouldn't take it as a personal assault to yourself as a man that this woman got physical with you. (no need to retreat to the man cave) She sounds unstable and would likely have reacted the same way toward anyone or for that matter, anything that she felt in her mind was challenging her even a windchime playing beautiful notes. Also, her friend who told her you have PTSD, well.... all I can say to that Jerry is aren't people interesting?? LOL I think you're fighting an uphill battle here, weird visitors, weird neighbors. Wishing serenity today. ((((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Oh Jerry. So sorry for the unnecessary trauma. Who needs that. I'm glad to hear the pity pot is out in the garage! That's great. I will remember that one.
I don't know what it is about people getting behind the wheel of a car. Perhaps because it doubles as a lethal weapon at times. Road rage is really bad here where I live. All it took was a an angry guy recently beeping his horn at me behind me because I didn't want to pull out into traffic (somebody was turning but didn't have their signal on), to ruin my plans for the evening. I was physically shaking just from that. He was going to the place where I was going to work out. I put off my work out and went home because of it. So I suffered from someone else's little brain storming. I was afraid he was going to find me and continue yelling at me in person. I don't know really what else to do in these situations other than to put on some great music and chill.
@Cathy...I read somewhere that if you sprinkle chili powder on unwanted dog-poop in your yard, they won't be repeat offenders. But I haven't tried it because I don't want to put myself off of chili.
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Sunday 27th of April 2014 10:52:28 AM
I want to add a story about a pacifist friend of mine who found unique ways to deal with others' road impatience. I am not a slow driver as much as I am a speed limit plus five driver. He and I were taking turns driving expressways to Pennsylvania from Indiana one year. It was my turn and I was driving in the correct lane at the speed limit plus 5 method I use. There were drivers everywhere trying to push me to go faster and being the "you aren't going to push me if I don't want to be pushed" personality that I am, I just stayed in the correct lane driving the way I drive. It bothered my friend who was very aware of all the drivers' honking and the middle-finger waving that was going on behind or on the sides of us. My eyes were on the road. I could see him moving in his seat and turned to look at him. He was engaged in waving and smiling at the drivers behind us and on the sides of us. I marveled at his unruffled method of handling his impatience at the impatience and bullying behavior of the other drivers. Instead of returning like for like, he chose to act as if the hand signals and honking of the other drivers was in order to say "hello." Fortunately, people didn't carry guns in those days. Grin.
Grateful2be, that is a wonderful story and it reminds me of Melly's wonderful response to the crazy woman honking at her.
And Paula, that is a story for the ages! I need chocolate in here right now too.
Thinking further about this, I am reminded of the fact that the person with the stronger emotion "wins" the exchange because of emotional contagion, in other words the person with the stronger emotion tilts the exchange more towards their emotion. In the exchange with Jerry, the woman was so wound up and hyper-aggressive that she nearly succeeded in pulling the exchange to a situation in which both people were infuriated. But the program tools allow us to "Not React" and to hold off rather than escalating things and ending up with two furious crazed people going at each other. So the net result of the exchange was that it was less hostile than she wanted it to be. That is some program displayed by our guy in Hawaii. The down side is that these people keep on wandering around the world stirring our emotions up. The up side is that we have our Al-Anon family to turn to when the crazy people try to drag us into CrazyTown. That is good going, Jerry. Hope you are doing something good for yourself today.
Blessed!! I read all your responses and feel like a twin in this family. As part of the healing thinking I have to remember that I am powerless; even from the start of my life. I didn't ask to be here and yet here I am and I wasn't born within and to myself and so I am volunteered to share whether I approve or not. Often I think that the rest of the world should be on a program of principles like the Al-Anon Family Groups and then "of course"!! in spite of that I am not perfect. I am reminded of a recovery event which emphasized that there are such times as "this is a test...this is only a test" and it is not about passing the test it is about becoming stronger thru it and after it. I am not a martyr and I don't make a willing victim; born and raised in the disease of alcoholism I resorted to fighting it when it attempted to suppress or beat me and so I most naturally resist and fight against what I perceive as wrong in life...that is part the character of the Mr. fixit and the rescuer. Should I gut "get over it" ??? consider the consequences of being a victim, martyr and enabler. Oh crap!! we already know. Just burning off adrenalin. Love you all (((((hugs)))))
LOL! Laughed out loud at your last several sentences. I do know if I choose to pick up the butts my neighbor has thrown for some reason he has and throw them away because they are a hazard and they are on my property - I am choosing to do it as a work of service and not as a victim, martyr, or enabler. So, I have to agree - yes, we already know! And I do burn adrenalin off right with ya, brother. Love you, too.
Hi Jerry, Sorry this got to you, but your story and the responses of others have been a great reminder about handling boundaries for me, thank you bro.
I love the scenario that Pinkchip described of two therapists one-uping each other in the middle of the road We all do it!
I love Grateful's gracious acceptance of the butts.
Italy has fairly strong rights to roam so living in the countryside we often have folks step over our land boundaries. A friend in similar circumstances put a fence around his land and a gate and he felt more secure as a result. We talked about doing the same but then decided that we could deal with the occasional hunter walking down the driveway in exchange for watching the deer and other wildlife crossing our land as well. A few of the human hunters did cross too close, firing their guns too close to the house, so when this happens we step outside and, without saying anything, we photograph them. They chose not to come back!
We all do it!