The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok .. I'm big on self introspection today .. I just kind of have tried to keep busy and just be .. I did have an interesting thought today about what has been going on and here it is that I did the rejecting of my STBAX .. hey I told him I didn't want him just stopping by and he still beat me to the punch of making that one line .. I think it's best if we just don't talk to each other unless it's absolutely necessary. Me .. I completely agree!! LOL .. it was a RELIEF to read those words .. now I'm left with the residue.
How dare he beat me to the punch as I was typing in my response .. LOL!
Here I sit being rejected by a reject (I mean in terms of a semi healthy relationship because he's not even there because I KNOW I'm not), .. and I am feeling rejected which is part of my anxiety.
An interesting thought that someone brought up was being rejected by the alcohol and honestly .. I don't have that feeling .. my feelings are more complicated than that because he DID reject me for someone else. He had someone and somewhere else to go when he left. Someone who was skinnier, prettier and so on, and let's face it .. pretty on the outside can be ugly on the inside. She's ugly that way in my eyes. Probably part of why I still feel the need to squash her down is that part still stings in the hurt.
This type of rejection is something that I have been dealing with since I was a baby. This is MY perception of that kind of rejection which makes it real to me. I was adopted (that's big .. even MOM didn't want me) and my adopted mom just once that came up as a topic wouldn't let it go .. LOL .. I don't think any kid needs to hear after they realize the "story of their birth" that they were special and they were chosen and blah blah blah, this was a story I heard at least 1000x, honestly did more damage than good .. because guess what .. adopted dad was a jerk and he left us when I was 5 and they divorced when I was 9 and that was difficult for me as a child to put that together. Life with my mother was not easy emotionally. Life with my dad was even worse in terms of I just ran wild ... literally. Then there was my step dad and OMGOSH HE was a total head trip and the emotional, mental and physical/sexual abuse really twisted how I have thought about men .. it's why I have picked the men I have in my life. I had one steady factor in terms of men and he was passive, my grandpa and he was doting to me. He died suddenly and that was very difficult for me to process.
So I took an emotional risk in stating how I felt with someone who can't meet any emotional needs for themselves without going outside of themselves, and that's not the part that I regret so to speak, .. I'm glad I did take that risk as that was a healthy thing to do. I didn't expect him to meet those needs. I already know he can't and why set myself up to expect him too .. that's silliness on my part. I said how I felt, I meant what I said and I didn't say it mean. Again, I'm ok with that because my words aren't going to change anything .. however hearing me say them was a good thing .. for ME. It put value on ME.
Still I am left with this weird residual feeling of rejection? Why? If he would just accept ME .. I'm really not broken (I don't like to use that term to describe myself, however in the rejection that's how I feel). I'm lovable, I'm ok, I'm smart, pretty, probably not thin .. LOL .. however I'm not bad to look at either. I still have my self worth wrapped up in IF a man will just accept me. UGH .. I HATE THAT FEELING .. that is a helpless feeling and that is a feeling I dislike!!! It was never about him picking the alcohol over me. It has always been about him picking someone else .. regardless of that someone else .. him choosing someone else is the part that cuts like a knife.
Now .. I get this .. what the hell do I do with it?
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
This is a huge, hurtful awareness. When I have these kinds of awarenesses, I stay with them, I journal, I post, I discuss with recovery friends, I do what I call "marinate" in them. I will even allow myself a time based pity party. I put them in God's hands and ask for the wisdom; I have no expectations that answers will come in my time frame, that I will feel better, no expectations. I do continue working with it, though to dig deep. For me, it is important I don't distract myself from the pain. At the same time, I feel the gratitude for the blessings I have (including the pain) and I honor me, no matter what. When I was able to really hold myself in reverence, my past did not keep me a victim, a hostage, as it brought me to where I am now and gently set me down to live and love my life. Stay with this.
^^PP said it... I think you're on your way to an amazing breakthrough, it may feel like a breakdown but you've got the tools and the skills (and us;) to see you through. Trust in yourself and HP. (((Hugs)))
I had a response all written out, but I'm throwing it out since I just read Paula's, it's so much better than anything I had written. Keep up the good work!
I like what Paula said above! Honoring yourself and the feelings that are coming. I don't have a good track record with men, either, and when I did date healthy guys I wound up dumping them because they were boring. OH what I would do for boring now, LOL! Keep posting, keep working through this, girl, you're strong and will come out the other side with some serious serenity! HUGS!
(((((Hugs))))) Serenity.
I struggle with the same feeling of being rejected for another woman - its a tough one.
Paula's reply has helped me to understand a little bit of the journey ahead, so thank you, thank you for sharing. You've no idea how helpful it is to others, as well as yourself I hope. So much to learn!
(((S))) I understand. It does hurt when we believe that a man's love is what is needed in our life. A daughter often sees herself through her father's eyes and gains a sense of her value and worth in that way. That process was interrupted for you. I, too, struggled with my value as a woman until one day I realized that my value and my worth was intrinsic and that I was free to accept, approve and love myself simply because I existed and no one could give that to me or take it away from me. I no longer feel that deep sense of rejection and I also no longer care if there is a man in my life who loves me or doesn't love me. I choose to decide who is worthy of me and not the other way around. And so far, those who are worthy of me are people who treat me well because they can treat themselves well. What Paula said is so true and I do hope you experience a relationship to someone who is very, very worthy of you, sister, when and if the time is ever right. I am very happy on my own. That's not true for all women, but it is true for me. I like the freedom that choice offers me and I like the opportunities I have because I can devote myself to service and not to a marriage or a SO. There might come a time that that changes for me but it until it does, I am at peace. Not only do I pray for you to experience what your heart deeply desires, I pray that you come to know how beautiful and important and valuable you are if you don't already know it or believe it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 25th of April 2014 05:43:48 PM
Powerful awareness and shared with such honesty that I salute you, Serenity. I know that you are working hard on your recovery. Uncovering the hidden source or the old buttons is an extremely important step to letting them go. Exposingthe root of The "rejection button" which does run deep is huge.
As Paula suggests, be gentle with yourself, journal, talk about it and know that this will lift and you will be stronger and wiser and free.
While you are journaling, including a true asset and gratitude list helps tremendously
That was very well written. Lots of ((((hugs)))). That took a lot of emotional maturity.
I remember that feeling so well. I just sat with all the feelings good or bad and did not judge them. Let them come to awareness, feel them, and let go. I tried to journal but at the time found it extremely hard.
I did this for two years. It took a lot of digging, strength, and actually slowing down to allow the feelings.
I did the same as kenny, big long reply but all I really want to say is that I think you have got some deep awareness and acceptance, the action part is in all the good stuff like forgiveness and soothing your own inner child, changing that self talk, loving yourself. Thank you for sharing.x
The kids are suppose to go to their dad's this weekend for a short time on Sunday. Of course .. lol .. he's not called or text because I'm being taught a lesson .. and let's REALLY put this into perspective .. this is who I'm feeling rejected by .. SERIOUSLY?! In the past I would have pursued him like a mad woman .. and I'm embarrassed to admit that .. because obviously I can see clearly now that he's really not OK and why would I settle for someone who needs these kinds of games in order to feel superior (and good about themselves). Someone who would see how his actions hurt and do them anyways? Well, they still hurt just not the same way. At least I don't feel like my world has shifted .. lol .. is that a dramatic enough expression? I'm grateful for the emotional maturity to see it for what it is and try not to get sucked into it.
The time alone will give me a needed break. I do think I'm a little hormonal as well .. ugh .. I really hate the hormone stuff. It doesn't feel like it should be so soon .. I guess when I think about it .. I've been at the new place for almost 4 weeks. I have a good movie to watch and it's a crier of a movie :) I like movies like that, do you know I haven't watched those kinds of movies for a long time, because I was made fun of when I would cry. I wonder why I was so emotionally stoic for so long. I continued to change based upon if it would be good enough for HIM! Now I'm feeling a little angry about that .. LOL. Now I cry when I watch touching video clips .. LOL .. very out of character for me however it feels so good .. that kind of release .. honest emotion.
So the plan today is to take my permit driving daughter out for her first drive! I'm sooo excited for her. I have a great place to drive right behind the house at the school she takes her drivers Ed at. There will be more unpacking of the boxes. It's going to be a lovely day today .. up close to 80 that is going to be a serious heat wave! I think she's headed to the movies with some friends later. My son and I have a hot date with the movie Walking with the Dinosaurs .. so that will be our time together.
I appreciate the feedback as well as support, it helps to figure out what to do with all of this stuff. The last time I was on the verge of this kind of awakening .. I wound up in a fit of rage. It scared me bad. Thankfully, I wasn't so out of control that the kids got the brunt .. however it was shocking and it was at the beginning of last month. Honestly, I experienced so much peace after that fit. It's like it cleared out a bunch of garbage. Some of this emotional awareness is just very new to me and I don't always understand the feelings that go with it. I repressed so much as a kid.
Anyway, thanks for being here .. I'm so glad I have internet now!!!
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
In the process of healing, I started having flashback memories that were so vivid at times I'd have to leave the room where I was sitting or standing and find a quiet place to commune with my HP. I'd never had those things happen and they were very unnerving. I was afraid to tell anybody what was happening and I was able to talk it over with my HP. I am so glad you have people to share these experiences with personally and your HP, too. Happy driving lesson day. That would be enough for me to go into a high anxiety state. I'd only agree to accompany my daughter as she was first learning to drive on a high school parking lot where we'd drive around aimlessly with no traffic until she got used to using a stick shift. Then, I agreed to go with her on the roads. I asked a braver friend than I was to take her on the highways for practice. I was too much of a control freak at that time to do it. You are one brave mama, Serenity. Thank you for your trust in sharing your emotional experiences with us. Your healing is apparent to me. I'm glad to see it.
Didn't make it to the driving lesson turns out there was some kind of athletic thing at the school my daughter was very upset. I'm sorry the child has never been behind the wheel of a car (that's soooo on me it just never dawned on me that she was getting her permit .. like .. THIS year .. LOL! Even living in the country .. it still bothers me because the roads are as narrow. I WISH she could learn to drive stick as it is important to know how to do. I miss my stick shift soooo much. We are going to try this AM and see how it goes.
I remember my lessons I pretty much refused to be in the car with my mom because she was such a control freak it made me horribly hard, nervous doesn't begin to describe how I felt. I only went to a driving school and then a friend of hers taught me to drive stick. I did lots of street driving .. honestly I don't think I did the amount of time you are suppose to .. my s/dad would let me drive to the store alone all the time .. LOL .. that was his way of being a "nice guy" .. LOL. I do understand why my mom was the way she was kind of thing .. LOL .. to this day she doesn't like to be in the car with me driving and ironically .. I don't feel safe with her driving either .. we are equal in that regard. It's kind of funny/ironic if you think about it. The day I had my daughter .. being in the car with her is extremely stressful at times. I did really well the last trip out there .. I said a prayer ever time we were in the car and just was able to let it go .. it was the early stages of break up so I think really I was more detached from what she was or wasn't doing even though the kids were in the car .. I had a thought of oh well if we go we all go together .. lol. Terribly morbid I know .. that's my humor.
I think some of these emotional memories are the best way I can describe how I experience PSTD .. at least very much so in the past and now that some of those emotional doors have been unlocked and I'm willing to take a peek about once a month a door pops open on its own. I'm ready for it because for me those doors just don't unstick in this way .. I have to be ready .. literally ready or not. These emotional feelings used to be so much worse and part of the reason I just hunkered down.
Anyway, it's all good and I do feel better today .. just another healing phase.
Hugs, S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
