What rewards did you get from the victim role? - Al-Anon Family Group

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

What rewards did you get from the victim role?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

A very quick response LC--- As I see it now, the pay back for being a victim, was that I did not have to assume responsibility for my actions, my decisions, my life. I could blame others and feel angry and resentful filled with self pity and untapped potential. I am so glad alanon forced me to see this and claim my power.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, being a victim helped me keep things the same because I feared letting go of what I did have even if it was beyond horror-filled and spirit killing. I feared there wasn't anything other than what I had to go towards.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I never risked failure because I just assumed nothing would work out. It also allowed me to complain rather than change.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Being a victim distracts me from what the real issue is. I'm giving up responsibility for my actions.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Interesting question. Being a victim kept me from having to face an even greater fear: being alone and in charge of my own life. Scary! But that would be one dose of misery (as I learned and adjusted) instead of even more misery administered daily in small poisonous doses over a long period of time.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I love all the answers and agree with everybody. My mom played the victim and I turned out just like her. Two weeks ago I decided to take my power back and make my life mine, not all about him. It feels good now, but did not when I did play the victim.

oldergal · Senior Member

When I was a victim, I didnt even know what the word meant....I know that I didnt have to think, I just went along with whatever, nothing was my fault. Rewards= didnt need to expend the energy to think and plan and make major decisions about what was right for ME. I was just vegging....sad but true. ......

ct1203 · Member

It is hard to admit but being a victim allows me to always blame someone or something else. It is sad really but I am going to have to work on not playing that part anymore. I have played it for so long that I think everyone must expect it from me.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I got to find Al-Anon, got superior and masterful sponsorship, got my life renewed and back, Have met and touched thousands of wonderful members, found a counselor who was superior, found AA also, lost the victim mentality and role... and beyond that got a relationship with a power greater than myself which both of us like...how great is that?

Mahalo Al-Anon, MIP, HP. ((((hugs)))) smile

oldergal · Senior Member

And what do you think El-Cee?

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Playing the victim allowed me to ignore "red flags" and not be "the bad guy" by staying in a relationship that was clearly not okay with me.

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

If I'm making bad choices it's a lot easier to feel victimised by someone else than honestly address what is going on in me...and it works a treat because when I start playing the victim, the natural "victimisers" in my life seize the opportunity to jump in and start kicking...thus proving my point and releasing me from any responsibility over my own poor behaviour...isn't it great how it works...one hand washes the other!! lol. It starts with me though and that moment when I make a decision to react to something I could just let go of.

Also I've surrounded myself with people who don't LIKE it when I don't play the victim and I NEED them to like me don't I, because no-one normal or healthy would like me and I don't want to be alone...

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I got to not take action. Didn't know what action to take half the time. Made no changes and got to blame others for my unhappiness. I got attention and pity. I got to wallow in self pity. The poor mes, look what everyones doing to poor me. Im good and their bad.x

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Playing the victim role just allowed me not to make any decisions regarding the state of me. I got to point the finger and say look at (insert name) and not me. So no responsibility, allowed me to stay put in denial, and the whole I'm good and they are bad.

However .. there is a difference between being victimized and being a victim. I was victimized in situations that I have been in that is on other people .. remaining the victim is on me. I always have choices after recognizing that the situation has become unhealthy.

Nice topic!! Hugs S :)

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I got to think that I was clever and brave because no matter what happened I dealt with it and just kept climbing out of the mud - only problem was I didn't look where I was going! Not so clever after all!!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I never got any rewards for playing the victim. Just made things worse for me in the long run because nobody really cared if I was a victim or not. What I hear around here ( home )

is suck it up and get a life.

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Thursday 24th of April 2014 09:44:01 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Lol Cathy. I think it's more like "We love you no matter what!!.....But suck it up and get a life."

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to all of the shares. Another insight that came up was the big payoff I thought I would get at the end of my life. Victims suffer; by being the suffering martyr, mother superior, my religion taught me I could get points that might earn me the goodies when I am standing before the pearly gates.

The biggest reward, really, is/was seeing how the victim showed up and how the victim still shows up (quietly now, more like a whisper) so I can make choices that don't victimize me. I can be victorious over the victim because I can see her, she is an alert. I don't believe the victim ever goes away. If I look close enough, I see the presences everywhere. When I eat a piece of food that will give me a stomachache I am victimizing me.

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh me too Paula, that was a big one! Suffer and sacrifice if you want the rewards when you die!! ick.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

All of the above. I got to take a little 20 year vacation from responsibility of having to make my own decisions once I got married. I let my wife do that. Life was too intimidating to make the hard decisions, I could do most of the hard actions but the decisions were the things I had problems with. So she got to make them, and one decision she made was to drink.

I still have problems with big decisions, but at least I understand myself enough now to start to be able to change that.

And, as Jerry said, if I hadn't been a victim I probably wouldn't have found Alanon, so I can't say it was all bad!

Kenny

1911A1 · Senior Member

Instant justification for my complete lack of self-esteem. And, like everyone else has shared, a ready excuse for not taking responsibility for what was going on between my own ears.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

PC I love you!!!!! lol

mm830 · Senior Member

This is learned behavior from my family of origin. And poor me is way easier than putting on my b*tch boots and taking charge. Maybe getting others to feel sorry for me too.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
A very quick response LC--- As I see it now, the pay back for being a victim, was that I did not have to assume responsibility for my actions, my decisions, my life. I could blame others and feel angry and resentful filled with self pity and untapped potential. I am so glad alanon forced me to see this and claim my power.

AND it got me attention, sympathy, to feed my victim role....oh yea...been there...done that..........agree with Betty 100% here

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

This is such a great thread. MM830... I love that - "B*tch boots". I've got some of those around here somewhere...

For me being the victim permitted me to abdicate all responsibility for myself, as well as any kind of objective feelings about myself - whether I was doing the right thing, or doing the wrong thing. I couldn't tell if I was doing a good thing or a bad thing as long as I was a victim. So therefore, no responsibility.

(But then you feel it welling up in your gut and making you sick, and/or giving you recurring nightmares)

Spur · Senior Member

Thank you for this topic and everyone's responses. They all are me as well. This is hard work cleaning out our personal closets and taking responsibility for the parts we've played as adults. I would like to be an adult now and get rid of all my immature thinking and reacting.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I got sympathy, strokes, "you poor thing" etc....It was a "nice" change from being beaten/battered both physically and mentally....when i first got into recovery i wanted everyone to pet me and comfort me

my victim role during the hell??? i think being the victim is like the scapegoat...better to have SOME use to family then be invisible, non existent.....wow...i was soo sick....now?? i am not even remotely close to being anyone's victim......sometimes i am extra sensitive/wary/watchful of anyone trying to use/victimize me but its ok....i am ok with how i handle standing up for me......

also in old days, being a victim only proved that the "gods" in my life were right...i was a total reject and worthless........again....BIG time change thanks to alanon

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow all of these shares resonate with me. Low self esteem, indecisive, let others take charge and make the hard decisions why I let life just happen to me. I didn't even know who I was or what I wanted when I found al-anon, but I knew how to blame and complain about my exAH for all I was worth. Wow this post and all this ESH is so helpful for me today. I have taken charge and control of me and am still cleaning out old useless survival tools that no longer suit me and putting new al-anon tools in my box that better fit my need to be living life with my head held high, moving towards my goals and dreams that I never realized I had before. Thank you MIP, al-anon, my sponsor and so many very patient old timers!

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

I can come up with a lot of reasons and justifications I got from being the victim, but I cannot think of any rewards. I think if I had gotten any rewards from being the victim, I would still be a victim.

Thanks for the thought provoking question.

It works if you work it.

life_is_good · Member

I played the victim quit readily and ashamedly, quite well. What perceived rewards were I receiving? Validation, or so I thought. I needed everyone to feel sorry for me that my now XAH was a cheating alcoholic and that he chose alcohol over his 20 year marriage and family when asked to choose. I thought that validation would make all the pain go away. I thought it would make me forget the hell I and my children (that I sadly volunteered them for) went through. If everyone knew he was a cheating drunk who loved alcohol more than anything else, I would regain some of that self worth I had lost over the years while married to him.

All it did was prevent me from healing and moving forward toward a happier, more productive life with endless possibilities. I have 2 years of Al-anon and this board to thank for pulling myself up and slowly building a new and MUCH happier life.

Fairlee · Senior Member

Yes yes and yes! This is a great thread - I can see myself in many of these responses! Eye opening!

Cindy2b · Newbie

As the victim of cheating stbx AH behavior, I guess my reward is sympathy..., attention, help....from people. I thought it felt good in a way I guess, when I'm not used to getting any type of attention or affection at all for so long. While living with AH, i had on my survival gear and never felt like the victim. I just felt po'd all the time. Being the victim is is a good way to play the poor me game though. It keeps you sad. It keeps you down. That's no reward.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Great topic! Not having to take responsibility for myself and my actions, not having to grow, not having to move out of my comfort zone- and all the while having it be someone else's fault... that would give me the benefit of justifying my anger, resentments, attachments, lack of inertia towards a solution, staying in the muck and inviting more muck so I can justify and rationalize things even further. (honesty is a very humbling process!)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Thread helped me to do an inventory and guess what?...I still have work and change to do. Won't be so hard with Al-Anon and my MIP family in support. ((((hugs)))) smile

aquamom23 · Senior Member

I think I get more rewards from doing victim as martyr. Only because I have a sister who does victim so that role got taken. But is the martyr a victim? Yes. A lone, suffering, don't touch me I'm too busy suffering and sacrificing type victim. The reward is that I get to hold my pain and have an identity which hides the truth. I can drive me to the hospital and give birth alone in silence,make my bed and discharge myself,go back to work the next morning and throw that in your face when you dare to enter my competition of suffering. Yuck! Underneath all the stoicism,I want you to love me. I'm so strong,look at me,am I good enough now? Yuck yuck yuck.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Totally aquamom, did you know me back before alanon? Its people pleasing extreme as well, hadnt saw it from that perspective.

aquamom23 · Senior Member

*smiles*. Well,we do share some nationhood genes? I had to log back on,as I thought some more about it,and wish to add "false sense of moral superiority" to the reward list. Great post El-Cee.

life_is_good · Member

aquamom23 wrote:
I think I get more rewards from doing victim as martyr. Only because I have a sister who does victim so that role got taken. But is the martyr a victim? Yes. A lone, suffering, don't touch me I'm too busy suffering and sacrificing type victim. The reward is that I get to hold my pain and have an identity which hides the truth. I can drive me to the hospital and give birth alone in silence,make my bed and discharge myself,go back to work the next morning and throw that in your face when you dare to enter my competition of suffering. Yuck! Underneath all the stoicism,I want you to love me. I'm so strong,look at me,am I good enough now? Yuck yuck yuck."

Insert "go through cancer treatment alone" instead of giving birth and that's my story. Ugh...word for word description of me. Guess what? Who is the only person who can change that attitude? ME! Thank you aquamom.....you're right...YUCK YUCK YUCK!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I went through ovarian cancer alone with no support, but not sure that really worked out for me in the long run, since I ripped out staples feeding the horses since I wouldn't have asked for help back then. Yes I chose to suffer way too many years.

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