The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm not sure why I came on the boards today (except to see Mark's good news, LOL), because I'm in a such a bad place today. I just got back last night after spending a week at my mom's across the country. It was hard to be in the car with AH and I realized that if I didn't speak and talk about the trip, he wasn't asking. So, there was no talking. We got in late and my son and I were exhausted. It was just an uncomfortable ride.
I am trying to be grateful for what I have. I am reminding myself of the reasons that I stay: to homeschool my son, which I believe is actually a job and requires my daytime energies, etc. and to be able to still allow my son to participate in his tennis travel and events. If I left and went out on my own, my son's tennis life would dwindle and we'd not have the money for the things we can do today. I know I also stay because I have health insurance and, quite frankly, there's also a LOT of fear I need to face and put to rest as I work my program. Yet, despite these reasons, I feel that they are excuses. And, then I beat myself up for making excuses and finding the 'out' to defend my decision to stay.
I am doing my best to also be thankful for the small things my AH did while we were gone(which honestly was only emptying out the trash cans) instead of seeing all that he didn't do. Man, that's hard. It's so hard to NOT judge or take someone else's inventory. I just look around, though, and see so much work for me to do over the next few days and know that he doesn't care to lighten my burden. He never really did before either, so I don't know why I'm surprised that the house hasn't been vacuumed or the dog poop hasn't been picked up, you know? I mean, when am I going to just completely let go?
I'm venting here, guys. I just spent a week with my mom and her husband who are normal people in a relationship. They disagree but they can move on with their days and still love each other. They serve each other and hug each other and just look like they genuinely enjoy each other's company. I saw all this and know that my mom stayed with my alcoholic father until I was in college and I know that someday I can have that kind of relationship. I just can't see it right now, I can't see anything different for the next few years unless I choose to move out and find a way to work full time and homeschool full time or find a way to pay for the private school that works with kids with serious learning disabilities AND work. My son's issues are so all over the board that it's hard already to get him the help he needs and to make time for it in my schedule: tutors, chiropractor for his tics and shoulder problems, he's doing PT for his shoulder now every other day, tennis tournaments that take me out of town from Friday until Monday, ADHD, Tourette's Syndrome and all that bundle of wax and comorbid conditions that go with it, etc. I still have to find him a decent math tutor who can work with him who understands his working memory issues and I'd like to find him a life skills coach who can teach him how to organize his life and stay on track with things better because he's NOT doing well taking instruction from me. I could go on, but really, I'm just overwhelmed with a special needs child and an alcoholic husband and I see what my mom's life is like now and I realize that I am so far from that peacefulness and serenity. I know I can find serenity, I find it in the little things, but today I just woke up with a VERY heavy weight on my shoulders! Thanks for listening!
I am listening, ILoveDogs.....hang in there.....venting is ok, in fact necessary, you can't keep that all inside, you gotta let it out. ..... in support, One Day At A Time....
og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Oh, grateful, I already read what you wrote and was just coming back to respond, LOL! I can use any words of experience or strength you have to share at this point. I have been sitting on the fence for a very long time and I know my reasons. I just don't know when I'll have hit my wall and have had enough.
Oddly enough, my AH is reading a few books right now: One is called "The Anger Trap" and the other is called "The Happiness Trap". He's also reading a book called, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and thinks I don't know about it. I get the Amazon confirmation emails still, LOL. Anyway, I know he's also going to a therapist every other week and I think she recommended to him to read these books. I hope they help him make his own healthy decisions for himself. And, yes, I'm sitting here taking someone else's inventory and getting all UP in their business in my own head. It's what I do best, UGH!
When I look back on the times I seemed to not be able to think clearly to save my life, it was during times I felt completely trapped, like my life was not my own.
You sound like you've got some great awareness going on (the paragraph about whether to stay or go).
For what it's worth, I read that Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay book also. I thought it was useless. I was more confused than ever afterwards.
ILD: My experience has been that my HP does for me what I can't seem to do for myself. If you're fence sitting and you haven't been pushed either way yet - well - maybe being on the fence is exactly where you need to be today? I didn't separate from my x until an outer push and an inner surge of healthy power moved me off the fence and into making big changes that were necessary. The whole world could have told me to stay or to go or to find new ways to deal with an old situation and I still would have remained on the fence. I made the changes when I knew the changes had to be made and I was given the guidance and power I needed to do it. If you're open to guidance, working your program, and doing the next right thing for yourself and for your son as it is revealed to you one step and one day at a time then who's to say you aren't doing exactly what is needed for now? Your Mom has her journey. Your AH has his. Your son has his. You have yours. As has been quoted here - "comparing is despairing." I know you want what your Mom has for yourself but you may not say that in a year from now - or even six months. What is going to happen in her marriage is yet to be seen.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 23rd of April 2014 07:36:15 PM
I have learned that this is the place to vent. Let it all out and don't apologize for it. One day at a time, some of those days I am okay and some I feel like the loneliest person in the world.
Hugs!! Have had many days like that. Having a special needs child is SO challenging in itself, and parenting basically on your own on top of that. Hang in there and be easy on yourself, no one can do it all.
Reading your post I'm glad you are here IDL .. I guess my only question is this .. what do you want? I see what you want for everyone else however what do YOU want?
As far as leaving or staying .. you will know when you know, I know that sounds trite .. it just is the way it has been for me. When I overstayed the God of my understanding has a way of shoving me out because I just won't get out of my own way .. lol.
I hope you are taking care of you that helps a great deal.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
What do I want? That's easy, LOL! I want to continue homeschooling my son because I believe I was called to do it and because I enjoy doing it. It is a full time job to me at this point in time. I do take time for myself. I'm going to get a pedicure today!
At some point in time, I want to go back to an office job. I have experience in banking and was a stockbroker and worked for a brokerage firm and I love the industry and the pace of the jobs there. I just have to figure out what kind of continuing education I'd need to start back into it since technology and regulations have changed over the years. I have a few friends who are financial advisors and most likely will pick their brains some day for advice.
I'm not leaving my home anytime soon even though I can. I just have NO...NONE...NADA.... expectations or wants from my SO anymore so I can a little better with myself. I can be kind, let go and suck it up for ME.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
