The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everybody! Here we all are again on this fine day, and I hope you all are having a great Sunday. Many people are celebrating Easter and I have many fond memories of hunting for those sneaky eggs;) As I've gotten older and my kids are grown, this has turned into a more reflective time, and I usually find myself thinking about the natural world's time of rebirth, renewal and such. This past year has been a little more poignant than in recent years, because AlAnon has stripped away many of my blinders and excuses that have sustained me for so many years. Like I was telling Jerry last night, my world has for the longest time been focused on a tiny little window and recently I've pulled back and started to see the bigger picture. My nature is optimistic, but lately I've been myopic more often than not. And so I'm beginning to understand why, and am hunkering down for the seismic activity it will take to break the old beliefs and attachments that have bound me to a pile of junk in a dingy little house in a place I don't want to be. I put myself here and I bound myself to the junk piles that symbolize all the failures for which I've blamed myself since I was about 4 years old. Can you believe that? Yes, a lot of old memories are starting to come back, and they're painful, especially when I realized the self-hatred I've carried since I was a tiny child. I don't think that the self hatred simply appeared, and I remember the family member who taught me those feelings. I have to forgive him and let those ancient wounds heal. I have a truer understanding now of the term "generational curses." I always refer to hope and hopefully in just about everything I write, lol, so I think that even though a lot of memories of terror and abuse and the gamut of negativity have started to cascade around me, I can offer these to my HP and Hopefully move on to brighter days. Namaste:)
Mahalo Raven for me the window widened this morning at my meeting and I could see more and understand more. Made an appointment with my sponsor for later on in the week...and I asked him for at least 2 hours solid and he agreed...Will do time with my HP in between now and then. Thanks so much for the earlier input cause it worked. (((((hugs))))
Happy restoration and renewal, Raven. Makes me sad to read that you were hurt so badly as a little girl. Makes me happy to read your intention isn't to stay there but to heal!
Thank you for sharing your awareness and deep pain with us. This program does work in mysterious ways . I did find that when I was willing to go deeper and let HP be my guide , all the old hurts, pain, and disappointments did surface. That is one of the reasons that it is suggested that we work the Steps with a sponsor, and that we never go into our minds alone as when we do we are behind enemy lines.
The awareness of past hurts, only remains for a time so that we can look at them, see how destructive they have been to our self esteem AND then be willing to have HP lift them. When they are lifted then our constructive tools of courage, wisdom, compassion and forgiveness will shine through .
(((RavensJ))) I have found your posts hopeful, introspective and wise. The hug is for the harmed little girl and the brave, kind woman. Knowing the power of the generational curses will help you to forgive in your time and for you.
I can relate to that awareness when we realise we have given ourselves the life we have got. It can be hard to face the facts but when I faced some hard truths things changed for me. The truth of who we are, the good, bad and ugly allows us to be free, even though we spent our whole lives hiding from the truth of us, fearful and ashamed of what we would find.
I understand the self loathing, I think most people who are attracted to alcoholics have some form of self loathing and the alcoholics behaviour and attitude can reinforce it and this is comfortable and familiar for us. I believe the alcoholic is the perfect partner for people who hate themselves because their addiction keeps them at arms length and they dont see our flaws that we hate and believe others can see clearly. So we remain in our comfort zone that is in fact really uncomfortable.
Digging deep into me, and rooting out the self loathing has been very important in my recovery. Looking into my childhood and seeing that it was not perfect and set the scene for me and my future was helpful but I also came to see that the people from my childhood were human, with flaws and their own deep issues. Being angry and resentful and blaming my past kept me in the cycle that I have lived with my whole life. This was my choice. Accepting that im not perfect, never have been and never will be, has allowed me to forgive the ghosts of the past, move on and take responsibility for my choices and my own life. This has liberated me, a very simple leap in my development that some healthy people go through in their younger days took me until I reached 40. Im still grateful that it happened, ive finally grown up in many ways thanks to this program. I have tools that help me now, when my old comfortable friends return into my life, fear, self loathing, resentment, guilt, shame, self pity. I can face them and work to get rid of them usually through looking into me. Thanks for sharing.x
I can sure relate to what you have shared RJ, .. big hugs. It has taken me years to figure out how much of my own pain from a situation that I was victimized in I have caused myself even in relationships. Those old survival tactics just don't work anymore and that's how it should be, I'm no longer a child and I'm no longer in need of someone else who failed, to protect me, even parent me. I can find those needs in myself or my higher power. It IS a generational thing and it's weird how those things are passed to each generation.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
