The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK so this weekend I've been trying to get back to that "let go and let God" and "do the next right thing" combo that was working so well for me. Because I've come to realise that when I get caught up in the "big picture" and how everyone fits into it and what I need THEM to do to make my outcomes work...well it's all so overwhelming that I don't end up doing anything but worrying about it and feeling miserable. But focusing on the next task at hand- and then the next-and then the next- well lo and behold at the end of each day I've achieved a lot and feel much more in "control" of my life!! So right now it's Sunday night, and I haven't done my job as Manager of The Universe this weekend but I DO have a clean house, cupboards full of clean clothes and sheets and towels, some 'reading to expand my mind" under my belt and a happy daughter who has been entertaining a friend here all weekend. Oh the joyful sound of giggling pre-teen girls at midnight. And at 2am. And at 4am...lol
Less thought, more action seems to be an extra mantra that I need to add to my daily reminders. I think I need to write these 3 things down on tiny post-it notes and stick them to the inside of my glasses.
Anyway the weekend has gone by and I am just now pausing to reflect a little on how peaceful and content I feel, and how much better life is when I take time off from managing the universe and let HP have a go at it instead. HP seems to manage it just fine and I don't even seem to need to check that things are being done properly!
One thing that really stands out to me is this. Please excuse the references to He Who Must Not Be Named, since he was my obsession for 8 long years I can't help but celebrate the changes in my responses (or lack of them) to his behaviour.
After a couple of months of very half-a'd attempts to get back into my good books, the alcoholic I live with has begun a new online computer game. Long story short- he hasn't emerged from his room all weekend, has been missing days of work and seems to have forgotten all about me rather suddenly. And this is a good thing, isn't it? Seeing how quickly he has dropped his "love" for me on the very day the new game was released really helps dispel any nagging doubts I might have had. So anyway what he is doing isn't important, but how I feel about it and react to it is. Isn't it funny that the very reason I originally started reading books about codependence and searching for ways to help myself, eventually finding my way to alanon- was because I couldn't bear the way he just did whatever he wanted and completely neglected and ignored me? Now here he is ignoring me more than ever before and I'm feeling good and strong and happy. Who woulda thunk? I didn't need someone else to make me feel important, it was in me the whole time! Now, if I flap my ears hard enough, I wonder if I can fly? lol.
But I did notice some screwy old thinking trying to distract me earlier. And it was this. "Now he's obsessed with his new game. And I have rejected him for months so there's nothing for him to miss and he could just happily game his life away forever now and he won't ever even feel bad about wrecking things between us because I have been the one to push him away and he'll think it was my fault we broke up". HA!! There is the very thinking that I used to chain myself to misery for all of these years. Don't worry, I can see how very sad and destructive that thought is, but what amazes me is that this is how I thought, all the time! For years and years! I had so little ability to like or love myself that I would engage in all kinds of weird head-games to convince myself that I was wanted and needed. What a crazy mess it was inside my head. I'm so glad to be breaking free of it at last.
Anyway, onwards towards the next right thing.
Excuse me if I am over-posting a bit; I only have 1 meeting a week and sharing here helps me keep in a good frame of mind in between. Another good reason to move to a little place in town; more meetings
There is a beautiful poem - Comes the Dawn - that can researched on-line if you have never read it or heard it. It comes to my mind as I read your post and your growth. And by the way, Melly - you are wanted and needed. I trust this because you exist, sister! And I'm glad that you do.
What a great share. I don't even think your rejecting him but taking a liking to what you can do for yourself to make you happy. We can't depend on anyone else to do it even if they weren't an A. If it isn't a give and take relationship then it's time to move on when we are ready in our own mind and look forward to finding what we really want out of life. It takes time....I have learned because we have to learn all over again to love ourselves again and let the happiness begin with us. Then it will be time to let others in.
Catherine is right you are wanted and needed here and everywhere your life is. Take time to learn and practice what you have learned and let your HP be your guide.
Faith.....a biggie for me now.
((( hugs )))
"Comes The Dawn"
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning
And company doesnt mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses arent contracts
And presents arent promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Dear Melly, I was extremely happy to read that you did not show up for your job as:'Manager of the Universe" this weekend . I do believe I held that title for many years and was so glad when HP relieved me of the task and told me He was capable of handling it all by Himself.
Loved the Poem;" Comes the Dawn" because it is so very true for each of us who are working this alanon program
It is amazing how simply focusing on ourselves truly helps our world to get better. Laundry done, clean cloths in the closet, food in the new refrig. and giggly girls in the bedroom--- all sound as if you managed your universe extremely well.
I can so identify with the distorted thinking of not wanting to be responsible for the breakup of the relationship. I remember telling myself I'm not going to be the responsible person. The breakup of this marriage is all his fault and he's going to do it. Before Al-Anon, this was how my mind functioned and I saw nothing wrong with it. Today, like yourself, I can see that this type thinking is what kept me stuck and unable to take care of myself in a destructive environment. I'm glad that you are seeing your thoughts in action as this is the first big step towards acceptance and action.
Please never apologize for your shares as they contain so much recovery and wisdom.
I read that poem the first time when I was 30 or so and finding a way to say goodbye to the woman I once was and thanking her for getting me to a new life that my heart had been seeking. The wisdom in it wasn't yet experienced by me and now I can say that it has been and what is written is so true. I see myself in you in many ways, Melly. I trust that your longings and your HP will guide you down a road that you may not be able to see right now but will in time. You were born to bless others in ways that you have been doing and in ways that are yet to be. I am glad that we both share a love for the wisdom in that poem and this connecting place called MIP.
Melly, im so happy to read about your growing awareness, its like watching something amazing happen right before your very eyes. I love your patter, I dont know if you know that word, where I come from it means your way of expressing yourself, your humour. Lovely post and replys, thank you.x
I love reading your stories Melly, and please keep on over posting There is so much to glean from your writings, "Oh and that Comes the dawn poem" wow it's so gorguss!
The breakup of this marriage is all his fault and he's going to do it. Before Al-Anon, this was how my mind functioned and I saw nothing wrong with it. Today, like yourself, I can see that this type thinking is what kept me stuck and unable to take care of myself in a destructive environment. I'm glad that you are seeing your thoughts in action as this is the first big step towards acceptance and action.