The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I am either figuring out one if my character defects or triggers. I have discovered that I get defensive when someone "talks down" to someone. I guess I would interpret it as condescending. I feel the need to speak up. Not sure what to do with this one.
What I do with that one is pause...wait...ask the person who I think might be offended if they want me to step in and ??? the other person. I use to never ask permission to "rescue" others...my problem was reacting, getting triggered by what "I thought" (without asking) was an offense anywhere anytime. My actual nickname in my early family was the "Lone Ranger" which was fitting two different ways...I use to rescue a lot and I use to run away a lot also. Fight or Flight I did them both cause fear was my greatest emotional character defect. My sponsor gave me the slogan "When in Doubt...Don't". I learned to ask first. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
I have learned when I get defensive or triggered by someone else's behavior, it is often a behavior within me that I don't want to see. It has been humbling and I am grateful that others can provide the necessary mirrors for me.
When I sense somebody is doing a one down number with another, I've learned to let the one downer handle it in their way unless it is someone who is particularly vulnerable and then I might counterbalance the negative with a positive stroke. It all depends for me on what I think my HP is inviting me to do or to say. I don't have a hard and fast rule on it. I have been known to confront attitudes that are damaging to others and hateful and to stand in solidarity with the person who is being beaten down by hatred and bigotry. Again - I don't have a hard and fast rule on what I'll do or say other than the question: "God? What do you want me to say or do in this circumstance?"
And, in agreement with grateful's response. I will quickly take my inventory and ask for guidance in the subtler situations, however, I have instantly intervened in cases of abuse. For instance, I have broken up playground bullying and instances where children are being verbally abused by adults in stores. I usually say "stop!!!!". Again, though, I still look inward to see what is being triggered. I see situations as opportunities for transformation. Interesting post to ponder.
I am wondering if I am being to hard on myself as well because what I did say was "please stop" and "that comment was uncalled for". However, I did know I felt defensive when I said it.
Maybe you are being hard on yourself...there are times I respond and react just because in the moment I know it is the right thing to do. The awareness as to how you felt is awesome, now be gracious with you and accept it
Truth you are growing not toward perfection and just progress...getting better and for me this was the learning process I had to experience until I got to liking learning. I heard it at my morning meeting; the expression of appreciating growth...learning. It was also expressed that learning with the aid of others is what we are about. The title of your post is perfect..."Need Guidance" asked in front of others who knew the footpath. I'm glad we never reach perfection...growing and becoming more aware and self confident is very satisfying...like getting a string of miracles. In working with a sponsee this morning I passed along to him something that my early sponsor gave me when I was doubtful the program was working and I was growing. "If you don't that this works...give it away to someone else and watch them work it". I did and then became assured that the program does indeed work when we work it. Listen...Learn...practice, practice, practice. Thank you AFG and the God that led you here. (((((hugs)))))
