The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What is your idea of love? Has it changed since Alanon? How do you know you love your alcoholic and how do you know he loves you as opposed to needing each other?
I believe true love exists when you deeply know you will be fine without the other person. That frees me up to CHOOSE to be with them. I don't need another to pay my way, stop me from feeling lonely, to make me feel good looking, worthy... I get that from self and HP (not perfectly but far more than I used to). The more I am able to be this way instead of the clingy, scared, and change resistant person I used to be, the more I am able to love not just my current partner, but everyone.
Hmmmm that's a good one. I always tell my AH that I love him and will always love him. We have a past together, we made two great kids together. My question, at the moment for myself is "Am I in love with him?" I have to admit that at this exact moment I really don't know. We are apart and all the crazy stuff he did is very fresh in my mind. I have forgiven him for that stuff he did while he was impaired but I have not forgotten it and what my life could quickly turn back into (it's a trust issue now).
Before Al-anon I didn't have my own life---I was entangled with him and if we were not together---I had nowhere to go--I was not whole, lost. Now I have strength, I know that I will be fine without him as my husband. I can move on and live a great life.
That said, I still love him and want a life together with him. I just don't expect it to happen.....it will take a lot of work and it may not work out........ but that is for the future to say and just for today I am GOOD.
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
Love to me is choosing to allow myself and another person the space to be exactly who and what we are without leaping emotionally and working feverishly to "fix" or "change" myself or the other every time our differences come into view. I have more definitions for it than what I've said here, but this is the one that most fits for me today. Good question.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 11th of April 2014 07:44:01 AM
Yes LC my idea about love has changed considerably since I joined alanon and began this Spiritual journey. Before program ,I believed in, and practiced the idea that I was only half a person without my partner-- together we became one whole entity. I was his "better half" he was my all. He was my HP, my provider, my protector, my Knight in shining armor. Love for my family meant I knew everything about them , tried to fix them, rushed to give advise, and solutions when they were in trouble.
Today, I love my (new) partner,while taking complete care of myself. We walk together as equals, with mutual support and understanding knowing that HP will guide me, love me, protect me . We are not connected at the hip and I know that no matter what happens that I will be OK. I do not "Need " this person but do feel connected with love and acceptance,
Love for my family has also changed. I can now love them , supporting them with the tools of this program , accepting who they are without trying to fix or give advice. What freedom!!!
I love what Hotrod wrote above. I do now see myself as a whole person looking for another whole person. I am looking for someone to compliment my life instead of fill up the old empty black whole I have learned to fill up on my own with God leading me through it all the last few years. My old emptiness mixed with my exAH's was too much for me to work through and I thought that was love, but it was so dysfunctionally toxic and mixed up. Now that I am healthier and moving forward on my own, I feel complete within and I am looking for the same in a partner. I am more capable to love people and not care take and enable for them. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Well my perception of love has certainly changed during the short time I have been in alanon.
Love to me, now, is allowing someone else to learn their own lessons and find ways out of their own hardships because I know that when I do that, I grow and feel good about myself and that is far better than having someone else do it for me (which just makes me feel some temporary relief, but also guilt, shame, hopelessness that I couldn't manage it alone). That doesn't mean I can't be kind or supportive or do nice things for them when appropriate, it just means not solving their problems or taking on their burdens or bad feelings.
Previously, love meant watching my "loved ones" like a hawk and looking for any weakness so that I could swoop in, save the day and prove to them that they couldn't live without me.
I've realised that was because I couldn't love MYSELF and I needed other people to depend on me in order to feel as though I was worthwhile. So my concept of "love" has changed from the inside out, really.
I can't answer re my feelings towards "my" alcoholic because I don't think there's any actual love there, just a sad mash-up of feelings that I am slowly working my way out of. I wouldn't know if he loved me or not because I've done such a good job of convincing him that he needs me over the past 8 years that there probably hasn't been room for anything else :-/
I'm still defining this El-cee. Yes, Alanon has changed my perceptions of love. So far: caring without investment in outcomes and without excessive interdependence.
For me, love was a bad word for a while because i used it to justify accepting inaccepatable behaviour, controlling my family, manipulating and obsessing about the people I loved. It was like a word that i used that let me off, got me off the hook, explained my choices and behaviour in much the same way an alcoholic can say , well I was drunk when I done that, I said well I love him, as if this was the perfect excuse to not change things in my life, not take responsibility. Love has been a word used to cop out.
Now, I think like you guys, love is about acceptance, kindness, courtesy and minding my own business. Letting the people I care for make their own decisions and taking my critical eyes off, not giving advice or finding fault. Searching for the good parts and focusing on them but having healthy boundaries. Im getting better at reating myself this way too and that makes it easier to love others.x
My idea now of love is? loving someone totally and completely as they are, I am still getting my head around that one, love in a partnership or marriage is not about two people becoming one, more about two people being totally independent of one another emotionally and by that I mean well alot of my battles with my husband have been really about his lack of love and consideration for me and his children, based on my beliefs, and now I see that i have had huge missperseptions, what anyone else does should not really change who I am and feel but that has been my problem most of my life I have allowed other people to define me, instead of accepting and seeing very clearly I have a great knack of taking things personally and have had my very own personality twisted and bent out of shape, to be who I am regardless of what anyone else is doing and saying is what I am trying to do now, Alanon has taught me dynamics, I don't think I do know if I have ever really loved my husband, I know I certainly care deeply for him, and if ever he needed anything I would do my best to help him, but! that loving emotional and physical love thing is not there with me something has happened I can't explain quite yet because I am still figuring it out, before alanon i would just do things and then try and figure it out, since alanon I try to think alot before, I do anything, being physical with my alchoholic really was the only time I felt any closeness after and before I felt disregarded but I was so desperate for any crumbs of comfort I took it!
There must be progress here because I don't do that now, I can't bare the feelings of hopelessness after perhaps I am finally learning to love myself? I always liken love to my love of animals I have had some right angry unwanted pets, I have written about this before I would always choose the difficult ones noone else wanted, and some were quite evil, but you no what? as much as they bit and scratched at first, some they came good with me and sometimes they just stayed evil lol, but I didn't love them any less, they evil ones didn't ruin my day or make me feel less than, I accepted them totally as they were, so I think it is accpetence!
As for knowing if my husband loves me? I am not sure that matters, it's feeling loved that matters to me feeling cared for and safe and happy!
When my dog comes and sits next to me and leans into me, both of us looking out over the valley, I think that feels like true love. We are both in this world together and both happy to share it as individuals, without wanting to change anything. I used to sit like that with my mother and for me it is a wonderful extended moment of acceptance and peace.
