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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New--Frustrated
Post Info TOPIC: New--Frustrated
Jenn86


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New--Frustrated
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I am fairly new to Al anon.  I've been to 6 f2f meetings and a few online meetings.  I currently live in an area that doesn't have f2f Al anon meetings so it's a bit challenging when I need support.  Right now I feel frustrated because my ABF keeps asking me for money I can't afford to give.  I understand this is part of the disease but he makes such a big deal out of getting money from even when I say no and he just won't let it go.  I feel terrible when I give him money because I feel used and unappreciated.  I have been successful a couple of times at saying "no" and sticking to it when he wants beer money.  Now I am leaving to visit my Mom and he wants a substantial amount of money that will continue to set me back.  I don't want to give him the money but I want to live a peaceful life and not be constantly bombarded with reasons I should give him money. 

In January I left him and moved to San Francisco.  I thought I'd be happy being single and independent but I felt miserable because I missed him so much.  I cried the whole time I was there, especially at meetings.  At this moment I want to leave again but since I just started Al Anon I'm hesitant to just take off.  I don't want to control him (what he does with his money that he earns is none of my business), I don't want to hear him complain (or steal/pawn my stuff--I have to leave some very important stuff that's not mine) but I don't want to dig myself deeper in debt.  There's absolutely no talking to him.  Other than money I can do my best to follow Al Anon literature and focus on myself.  I have been pretty happy since I've come back.  This is the first time I feel against the wall again.  Right now I just want to be free and independent.  It's the same feeling I got before I want to San Francisco and felt miserable in a different way.

Thank you everyone for all your support. 

 



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Debilyn


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It may make it easier to say no and mean it when you face the fact this is a disease begging for it. A disease that is killing your loved one!

What would make one struggle with a disease who wants nothing but to fill its own needs? I am sure you do not want to support it!! It is hard to separate the two but its true. Your A is being taken over by a disease that does not care, when we give them money we help the disease.

It can get to where we feel good for protecting our A the disease is holding as hostage.We say no and we mean it.

As you can see the disease keeps harassing you and asking as it KNOWS you will give in. I invite you to say NO and mean it. Would you go out and buy beer and liquor for him? Bring it home? Giving the disease money is doing the same thing.

No wonder you are frustrated. Your A is NOT His disease.When we don't enable, we are not helping them to be sicker. Would you bring a diabetic ice cram and cake? Would  you bring someone who has open wounds sugar?

This was very brave of you to admit. Glad you did! Maybe now you will see it differently and get some comfort for when you say NO.

hugs honey, debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
el-cee


~*Service Worker*~

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See it like teaching a toddler some good behaviour, it might take a week or two but I had to do this with my son. Before you start get all valuables to a safe place that he cant get to, hes a thief. Then put your money, bank cards etc in your underwear or somewhere he cannot get it. Then say no, im no longer doing that. He will protest, harrass, badger. Of course he will, tell him if he continues this behaviour you will leave the room, if he continues leave the room. Very important you follow through. If he follows tell him you will leave the house, and leave if he continues to harrass you. Go for a walk, go have a nice meal, go spend your money that you would have thrown away on this bully. Then, go back home and repeat as neccasary. Dont waver or its a waste of time and will put you in a worse position. Be strong, prepare for it and make a solemn vow to yourself otherwise hes got your power and you will continue to feel weak and angry with yourself. Good luck.


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KennyFenderjazz


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Hi Jenn, welcome back to MIP!

One thing we know is that alcoholism is also a progressive disease. Your ABF won't get better without help, in fact he will continue to get worse most likely. My AW got worse over a couple of years, she went from getting too drunk at parties occasionally to drinking at least a Pont of vodka every day or so. Her behavior continued to get more erratic. It became impossible for me to see her as the same person I had married 24 years before. And my enabling went so far as to buy her wine a few times, figuring she would do it herself anyway if she we're at the grocery anyway. How codependent is that??

I am afraid you will see more if this behavior. My ABIL would buy things from me, not completely pay them off, then I would find them in a pawn shop. It's a horrible disease we are fighting.

I hope you keep coming back here for support.

Kenny

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