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So my AH is "in control" (his words) of his drinking, meaning only drinking every other weekend. This has been going on for almost 3 months which is longer than any other time and he says it's because he realized how bad it was for me and doesn't want to lose me and the kids, blah blah blah. He's not going to AA or anything .. And every other weekend is better than every other night but from what I've been reading and all the wonderful experience here it's not going to last. It seems he's doing just enough to manipulate me and make me doubt myself again and again. in these months he's also started being a dad to our son, who now waits for him to be home and allows him to do bedtime, etc. which makes thinking of leaving harder as I don't want our son to be disappointed And hurt. We haven't been back to marriage counseling since Feb as he is still waiting for the alcohol eval to come back, just seems like I'm in limbo - it's better why would we separate, cant trust him what kind of relationship is that, don't know if I will be able to get past what's been done so what am I waiting for? It just seems i should have left while it was still out of control, at least every other night if not more during the week and all weekend having him drunk, stupid, then passing out.
I'm not wrong in thinking there is no controlling drinking once you've gone past the point of no control before?
also want to share my counselor suggested I write out how drinking has affected everything and give examples, put it in writing so he doesn't interrupt and become defensive. Well he wrote out an "apology" but there was a but or justification for everything, turning it back to me! He even accused me of cheating over 10 years ago as I was always tired or busy and that's why he started drinking more - for a brief moment I started feeling guilty and thinking why that would be then it dawned on me- yes you *#*##! I was tired, I was supporting your ass as you quit your job to go back to school full time (not working at all) for 2nd degree, I was teaching full time, working nights and weekends for 2nd job, and completing my masters program. A couple months ago I would have been feeling guilty and very low by what he said, now I can (almost) laugh about it. this site has truly helped recover my sanity, still very conflicted and know I have a lot to do but don't feel crazy nearly as much as I used too. Thank you!
Do you have a meeting? Living with someone who's not working a real program of recovery can be so stressful -- you never know when the other shoe is going to drop.
My AH (now ex) had what sounds like a similar pattern. He drinks to terrible excess every once in a while for an unpredictable amount of time a week, a month and then he has long dry periods. For the first maybe twenty dry periods I believed him when he said he'd stopped for good, or it was under control, or I was crazy to worry about it. But every single time there would come another bout of terrible drinking. Belligerence, passing out, DUIs, stealing, lying... Big crisis time. Then it was over again and he'd expect me to act like it never happened. I found out once as we were having a big argument that for him it often didn't ever happen. He literally could not remember those times. He had literally blacked out. So no wonder he accused me of being crazy. (That and the old standard alcoholic denial.) Because he also refused to believe that those bad things had happened, no matter how much I tried to make him understand.
Anyway, this is my long-winded way of saying that for him, the dry periods always came to an end. It is twenty years later and he is still drinking. Same old pattern.
My thought about these folks is that if they're so willing to do anything to reassure us, why aren't they willing to work a formal program of recovery? It's like they promise the moon, but walking through the door of AA is something they never get around to. That shows me what's the talk and what's the walk.
I hope you'll keep on taking good care of yourself.
When my denial began to drop away, it appeared as though I was pessimistic, at least my definition of pessimism. Really it was seeing things as they were instead of how my messed up thinking wanted to see them. This is an unfamiliar way of being for you, so it will feel unsettling and uncomfortable and you will do what you have probably usually done to cope, circle around his words/behaviors and bring the stuff right back to your doorstep to try and "make it all better". You sound like you are beginning to recover; when you begin to ask yourself things, like "am I being too........", stop and breathe before those thoughts get a foothold and call your sponsor.
No, you are being realistic. 3 months of semi-controlled drinking coupled with dry drunk blaming, rationalizing, and defensiveness is hardly a reason to drop all your boundaries. Normal drinkers don't schedule routine times to get drunk. That's not control. 1 or 2 drinks when drinking is control.
I can relate to what you are describing here since AH and I are in a similar situation.
That phrase 'keeping the focus on oneself' helps me, especially when I start to project into the future about how I'll react if AH starts drinking or having an affair again.
I agree with the others - you are being realistic and I love PP's understanding of how unfamiliar that feels. I've worn rose tinted glasses all my life - and in many ways they have served me well - sometimes I miss them!
For me my new realism is bringing a sense of sadness and confusion - I thought that I was doing the right thing when I was trying so hard to protect my naivety - but it is also bringing me a spine tingling sense of empowerment as well. While I'm making my transitions I try to remember 'Just for today.' and live in the now as much as I can. I am aware of how I actively step aside when my husband comes into my thoughts and that is just me protecting myself.
Yes realism - it is easier to deny what's happening - a few months ago I didn't have a clue about alcoholism and knew my AH drank too much but didn't think he was an alcoholic. It is hard waiting for what will inevitably come - there are some family functions (on his side) coming up and he has never been able to control drinking around them, and they all drink starting mid morning, so I need to decide what I will do.
I just want to stop the internal debate, stay or go, justify either way, worrying about either choice. I do have choices, they are just SOOO hard to make.
I did have a F2f meeting today and feel calmer, one day at a time. The kids and I are safe and healthy, the rest will wait.
You can choose not to choose until you are ready to choose. When it is time to make choices, talk them over with a person in recovery (sponsor is best) so you can identify your feelings and what might be best for you. Remember TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE. Beloved friend and family don't provide the most effective support, usually. I found when family was involved, I needed to have a plan B. For example, ""A" if you choose to drink during this gathering, I will leave, drive home by myself and you will be left to find an alternate way home". The internal debates can be replaced with the serenity prayer and slogans. I like "easy does it", "one step at a time", Let go and let God". Keep working your program and you will discover what you want, in time.
) of his drinking, meaning only drinking every other weekend. This has been going on for almost 3 months which is longer than any other time and he says it's because he realized how bad it was for me and doesn't want to lose me and the kids, blah blah blah. He's not going to AA or anything .. And every other weekend is better than every other night but from what I've been reading and all the wonderful experience here it's not going to last. It seems he's doing just enough to manipulate me and make me doubt myself again and again. in these months he's also started being a dad to our son, who now waits for him to be home and allows him to do bedtime, etc. which makes thinking of leaving harder as I don't want our son to be disappointed And hurt. We haven't been back to marriage counseling since Feb as he is still waiting for the alcohol eval to come back, just seems like I'm in limbo - it's better why would we separate, cant trust him what kind of relationship is that, don't know if I will be able to get past what's been done so what am I waiting for? It just seems i should have left while it was still out of control, at least every other night if not more during the week and all weekend having him drunk, stupid, then passing out. 