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Hi all, I've been a lurker on this board for awhile and have been going to Al Anon on and off. Tonight my boyfriend came home and was extremely flustered - said he thinks he might have killed someone, and proceeds to tell me that he beat his friend into a bloody pulp. After explaining, he begins his 'woe is me' tale - his friend made him do it, he hopes his friend is ok but he couldn't help himself, he thinks he's going to get locked up, he was sober (he most certainly was not), yadda yadda yadda. As soon this starts, I get up and go to the bedroom. A few minutes later, he comes into the bedroom to try to spin his yarn again, and I tell him I don't want to talk about this right now. He goes back into the living room to call his sister because he knows she'll listen to him. To make a long story short, he tried to talk to me a final time and I again told him I would not discuss this matter right now. He's left the house, I'm guessing he's out drinking. I feel like a complete b**** for not even listening to him, but I refuse to get sucked into the drama that comes from his drinking. I'm trying my best to detach with love but it's extremely hard. I just want to wrap my arms around him and tell him everything is going to be ok but I don't want to listen to his lies - and I don't want to cushion his fall in case he might be close to his bottom. Right now I don't know if I did the right thing, even though I know there's not much I can do. Could I have handled this better....or differently? Any advice or kind words would be appreciated.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 8th of April 2014 05:55:13 AM
Good morning Kiora, I have spent many years worrying and arguing with insanity, i think you handled your situation very well, I know I cannot reason with insanity, I think you have put your alanon skills to very good use, I would encourage you to seek out and attend and learn as much as you can to dismiss your feelings of uncertainty, and reinforce the truth of the situation, I suffer from FEAR too, when my son is on a bender, in his absence my mind goes into over drive, often it's false evidence appearing real, and then when he is in front of me talking it would take a saint not to get drawn into their drama and a saint I am not, these days I try not to engage, it helps me to get out of the way, not always possible but once he's home the less interaction the quicker he might fall asleep and we can get some rest too, it's not an ideal situation but for now I feel it's what I need to do until I am strong enough to the next best thing.
Good morning KO .. something I thought as soon as I read your post is good for you regarding your boundary. Had he continue to elaborate he was/is going to make you an accessory let him deal with the fall out. Hugs prayers s ;)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You handled it well. What would have been gained by listening further? When we feel badly in the midst of another person's rants, it is best to do just what you did. In time, as you grow in al anon, you will not longer feel like a bitch when you "say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean". Keep going to face to face meetings, get a sponsor and recover from the effects of this alcoholic dance.
Welcome KiaOra,
So pleased you came out of the shadows and shared - it must have been a ghastly conversation that your boyfriend was trying to have with you. No need to feel guilty about doing what felt right for you at the time and, in my very humble opinion, I think you did good!
When I have my doubts about what I'm doing I talk to others about it - it helps me to hear these things voiced and the reactions of a third party also keep things in perspective for me as well. Looking forward to having you around
You did a wonderful job!! Be proud of you:) This disease is such an insane one!! Good for you for taking care of you
& sticking to a boundary of not buying into this.....
If WE stop doing what we are doing, THEY are forced to do it differently:) In this case, he called his sister who sounds
willing to enable his behavior but as long as it isn't you, is all that counts!
I would like to encourage you to get serious with attending Al-Anon, taking care of you, getting a sponsor that will help you through the steps. This is a WE program, we need one another to get through all things!! I was told at my very first meeting, "You never have to go through anything alone again, unless you choose to."
And I NEVER EVER HAVE since that night:)
Keep Coming Back, It Works If You Work & YOU ARE WORTH IT
Just thinking that maybe you should check on his friend?? If you know who he is. He thinks he might have killed him?? Maybe there is a little truth to that. Who knows?
Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and reassuring words. I was able to make it to a f2f meeting tonight and that helped ease my anxiety tremendously. Even though I'm fairly new to al anon and don't always speak at meetings, somehow I always leave them with a sense of calm. Tonight my boyfriend asked me to help him - he didn't specify with what but I'm pretty sure he was referring to his drinking. I replied that I would be happy to but I can't help him unless he is willing to help himself. I'm so thankful for this program, so many wonderful tools at my disposal!
Hi, Kia: We can't help our loved ones recover directly. That's better left in the hands of others who have been there and are in AA recovery themselves. We can help ourselves by staying in our Al-Anon program and working it. That can indirectly be a help to our As. The best help we can give them often is not to help them and to help ourselves by attending meetings, finding a good sponsor, reading the literature, learning the steps and slogans and applying them to our lives. Keep coming back here, too.
